You can't just break the chains.

People have asked me many times in my life what depression is like. It's associated with sadness, and that is definitely one of the emotions that you experience in those dark moments. But depression isn't just about being sad. It isn't a choice. People with depression don't actively choose to be unhappy.

Being depressed is like being chained to the floor in a pitch-black room. You can't see anything around you. You don't know how to get out. You fight and fight to try to escape from these chains until your body is beyond exhausted and you have to take a break. You lay back, completely drained of energy, thinking about how terrible you feel and how awful this situation is. You're lonely, and sad, and scared and you just want to get up and walk out.

But you can't.

After you rest, you begin to feel some sense of hope again. You calmly sit up and take a deep breath as you once again attempt to break those chains. Then, you feel something bump into your leg. You reach down and feel a flashlight at your side. You switch it on and immediately the whole room is illuminated. You see a key on the ground next to you and you use it to unlock the chains.

You feel silly, stupid almost, for having fought so hard when you could have "easily" just gotten up and walked out. The key was right there the whole time. But when you were surrounded by that darkness, you didn't feel hope, you felt fear...you felt alone and exhausted. You couldn't see a way out.

If someone had been sitting in the corner of that room trying to give you a pep talk, it would not have given you the strength to snap that metal.

If they sat there while you thrashed in your chains saying "you'll get through it", the metal would not have magically released you.

If they had said "just get up and walk out of the darkness", it doesn't mean you would have gotten very far before you reached the end of your metaphorical leash.

Simply cheering someone on or trying to "send them positivity" doesn't make it possible for them to do the impossible.

You need a flashlight in the darkness.

Depression leaves you in a dark dungeon that you can't escape from. There's no magic word, there's no secret path. It's something that only you can release yourself from. The trick is, like being chained in the dark, you don't really know HOW to release yourself. Until the light finds its way back into your life, you are trapped.

There's a difference between having depression and BEING depressed. I have lived with depression for my entire adult life and half of my teenage years. I have fought that battle, I have been locked in that dungeon, I have searched for so many flashlights. But it doesn't mean that I am always sad or angry or lost. It is, however, beyond my control. I don't get to decide when the darkness comes. It sneaks right in - usually at the most inopportune times.

This is the first summer break that I have actually taken as a teacher. I have always worked because I know that my brain functions better with schedule and routine. But this year, I knew my brain would function best with rest and relaxation. It didn't take long for that depression to kick me right in the ass.

I found myself scrolling aimlessly through social media. I watched people enjoy time with their families, fall more in love with their significant others, and go on amazing trips around the world. I watched all of this from the comfort of my couch. And I slowly began to feel as though my life was not as "magical" as everyone else's. I compared myself to the people on the other side of my screen. I found myself wishing I could do all the things that everyone else was doing.

After spending a long time chained to the floor of my own dark dungeon, I realized how silly it all was. I was letting social media tell me how wonderful or miserable my life was. I was letting people that I met at a party one time and subsequently ended up friending on Facebook dictate my emotions. I decided I didn't want that anymore. I didn't want to see the happiest moments of everyone else's life when I was living some of the hardest ones of mine.

Stepping away from all of it was the best decision I could've made. There are parts about it that I miss, but in all honesty, it was like breaking an addiction. Once I stopped doing it and filled my time with things that were so much more meaningful, I didn't really think about it.

Yes, I posted this blog on my Facebook page - is that hypocritical? I sure hope you don't think so. I'm not here to tell you how wonderful my life is. In fact, I've been struggling more in the last few months than I have in a LONG time. I guess I'm just here for the one person that reads this and realizes they aren't the only one struggling through life.

You don't get to choose your emotions when you have depression. But you do get to choose how to deal with it. This is me dealing with it.

It's amazing what can happen in a year

This morning I was flipping through my Timehop and it made me realize what my life was like a year ago. It's not something I enjoy thinking about, but when it resurfaces, it hits me pretty hard.

A year ago at this time, I was in the worst shape of my life - mentally speaking. Although, if I'm honest, I was also in the worst shape physically and emotionally. I was unsure about my future. I didn't see my value as a person or as a professional. I struggled to get out of bed every day because it felt like there wasn't a good reason to do so. Food was a constant in my life because it was something I could control.

At the time, I didn't have control over much of anything. I didn't have much control over where I lived because I didn't have an income. I didn't have control over what I drove because (again, no income) my car had crapped out on me and I had to borrow from a friend.

(Sidenote: an amazing friend who let me "have" her car until I could get one of my own - no strings attached. Who can say they have a friend like that?!)

I had no idea where I would work when the fall finally came, but I knew I had to have a job or the slope I was sliding down would become steeper. I was strained financially by daily/monthly costs, medical bills, and student loans that wouldn't go away.

None of my clothes fit, so I wore sweatpants - Regina George style - almost every day. I chose to spend my days floating in the pool because tan fat looks better than pale fat. Am I right, ladies?! I had no desire to go out with friends or to be in a social environment. I really struggled to get through each and every day. I started running, which only made things worse because I developed shin splints and saw no change in my body. I was discouraged.

I remember having an emotional breakdown in my bedroom. I was living in someone else's home so the only space that was private to me was the bedroom. It was the only place I could go to be alone, and alone was the only place I wanted to be. One day, I got another bill and it just broke me. I knew I couldn't pay it, I knew I literally did not have a way to pay it. I didn't know if I would be able to anytime soon. I didn't know what the future held for me. I was so broken and felt so alone; I just laid on the floor and listened to "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. This is the song I listen to when I just need to break.

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushedBy the weight of this worldAnd I know that you can give me restSo I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption winLet me know the struggle endsThat you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can riseFrom the ashes of a broken lifeAnd all that's dead inside can be rebornCause I'm worn

I laid in silence for a long time. Tears flowed down my face and across my cheeks. The carpet began to soak them all in. That's all I remember; I woke up the next morning laying in same spot on the floor next to my bed, eyes red and swollen and the carpet still damp. But my heart didn't feel the heaviness that I had felt just the night before. I got up, showered, got dressed, and I went on my way. I went out. I went alone…but I went out. 

Once the summer came, I went on interview after interview. I was denied time after time. I was made to feel worthless over and over. I knew it wasn't their intention, but it was the result. I prayed, and I felt nothing. (Looking back, I know it's because I wasn't listening and I wasn't trusting.)

Two months into this interviewing process, I headed down to Austin for an interview. This position seemed promising and I was so excited. Long story short, the position was not what I had expected and the interview did not go well. I came home and was so incredibly defeated once again. I got online to begin applying for MORE jobs.

Suddenly I came across an opening in the district that I ultimately wanted to work in. It had just been posted one hour earlier. I stared in disbelief for a moment. Then I clicked through and filled out my application. It was a Friday night so I expected to receive no result for quite some time. The following Monday I received a phone call. It was my former assistant principal that wanted to do a quick screening over the phone so I could be put into the interview pool. We scheduled it for Tuesday morning.

9 a.m. Tuesday morning, I went through the screening process and began to feel a little bit of hope. I hung up the phone and just took a deep breath. This time, I thanked The Lord for the opportunity. One hour later, my phone rang and an assistant principal from the high school wanted me to come in for an interview that afternoon. I stumbled through my nonchalant "yes" as the excitement bubbled up inside of me.

I received the job offer two days after my interview. They couldn't officially offer it because the job hadn't been posted for 10 days, but the job was mine. I was blown away. I had so much emotion coursing through my body, I couldn't react. I finally let out a scream.


So here I am, one year later.
This past year has been one of the most challenging and rewarding years of my life. I have learned so much about myself and I have learned just how much room I have to grow. I have had extreme highs and extreme lows. I am wearing clothes that have been tucked in the back of my closet for years because they didn't fit. I am living a healthy life, developing a knack for cooking, and rekindling my love for exercise. I am living in my own apartment with my pup, soaking in what I have worked for. I have a car that I can depend on because I worked my tail off to earn it. I am working a job that I love and enjoying going to [almost] every day. (hey, some days the bed seems so much more appealing…)

I am now in the place that I had pictured for myself a year ago. I have done things that I always wished I could do. I have gone places I had dreamed of going. I have accomplished things that I thought weren't possible. I have opened myself up and learned to trust in The Lord. I have learned that the path I create is not always the path I will walk down.

It is amazing what can happen in one year. It's so hard to remember the darkness that I found myself in just last year. But to see myself in the bright light that I now live in gives me hope for my future. I know that I can overcome anything. I know that if you dream it, you can do it. And to wrap up with another cliche, nothing is impossible.

I'm Not Thankful for What I Have

I haven't been able to spend much time with my thoughts lately. Unfortunately, when I don't filter through my thoughts, they begin to mess with my emotions. Last night, I was so overwhelmed and over-exhausted that I decided to take today off - a "mental health day" if you will.

I've spent my morning in a coffee shop listening to conversations about Christmas plans and new boyfriends and life's troubles. And while it has been nice to be able to just sit, I have been reminded of a thought that recurs often. I am not thankful for what I have.

Don't get me wrong, I am so appreciate of the things that I have. I have worked so hard for them. But I have realized that what I am the most thankful for - the most appreciative of - is all the things I didn't have.

I am so thankful that I didn't have a place to live:

• Because I was blessed with an amazing family that welcomed me into their new home. They had a child and raised her while I lived under their roof. They provided comfort and support. They offered words of wisdom when I didn't request them but The Lord was pressing on their hearts because He knew it was what I needed.
• Because I was blessed with family that opened their doors to me. They allowed me to take over part of their house. They cooked for me and loved on me when I was at my lowest point. They helped me through one of the hardest phases of my life. And even though I'm no longer living there, they love me and care for me continuously. 
• Because now that I have an apartment of my own with my fur child and my own space and can live on my own time frame, I am filled with joy. I appreciate being on my own because I know how hard I worked. I know that up to this point, I have not legitimately had a place that I could call my own.

I am so thankful that I didn't have a car:

• Because I had to learn to rely on others. I had to learn that it's okay to ask for help. I had to learn that possessions do not define a person. I had to learn that the value of my things does not define my value.
• Because my eyes were opened to just how amazing my best friend is. I have a friend who is willing to give me her car with no strings attached - no questions asked. My friend is willing to give me a car that SHE worked so hard to buy so that I could continue going to work.
• Because I busted my butt to save up enough money to get my own car and give my friend her car back. And now that I have it, I love it. It is not fancy, it is not perfect, and I do not care. I worked so hard to have it and I accomplished that.

I am so thankful that I didn't have a job:

• Because I was made aware of just how amazing my friends and family are. When I was working 40+ hours a week and making a total of $0.00 every month, they stepped up and took care of me. People fixed meals for me, took me to eat, bought me things that I needed and even things that I didn't need.
• Because I learned to really value my work. I was challenged to continue doing my best work even though there was technically no incentive. I was not being paid to do my job and I was not being acknowledge for the work I was doing; I had to remind myself of who I am and how I was raised so that I could continue to do my best work when I felt that I shouldn't have to.
• Because I made some amazing friends and I learned some amazing things. The Lord knew what he was doing when he placed me there. I wouldn't have the job I have today if it weren't for the experiences I had and the people I came in contact with.

I am so thankful that I didn't have my life figured out:

• Because I learned that it's okay to not know.
• Because I learned that the struggle is worth the reward.
• Because I got to experience so many things and meet so many people on the long journey.
• Because God reminded me that the plan I made for myself was not the plan He made for me. Had I continued down the path I was on, there is no telling where I would be. I can only imagine that I would be working some 60-hours-a-week job and hating my existence. I would be stressing for reasons other than I face now. I would be unhappy for reasons other than I am now. I would hate my job more often than I love it.
• Because the journey I am on is ever-changing and wonderful. Every day I get to do what I love and change lives. Even if it isn't clear every day, I am reminded when I need it the most.

I am so thankful for all of the things I didn't have. They make the things I do have even more incredible.

When I first got hired for my job, I was so excited that I would be able to have all of these things that I had "gone without". I was so excited to have a steady paycheck and a new car and a nice apartment of my own. My eyes were on the wrong prize. I'm thankful for this journey that continues to remind me of what is truly important.

Who determines my worth?

I have always struggled with the idea that I am "not good enough".

I know that I'm intelligent. I know that I have many talents. I know that I am capable of so many things. I know that I am independent, yet sometimes I rely on others. I am smart, but there is always something to learn. I am strong, but sometimes the weakness overtakes me.

But the "I'm not good enough" voice is always in the back of my head - whispering, yelling, echoing through my thoughts.

In school, I always had A's. When I got to my senior year, I decided I didn't want to try so hard. I wanted to enjoy my learning. There was one class that was SO HARD for me - AP Anatomy with Janet Williamson. For most of that class, I battled the "I'm not good enough". She helped me through that by telling me how great I really am.

Then I lost my dad. I lost one of my biggest supporters. I lost a person who constantly told me he believed in me and that no matter what I did, I would be great at it. That continues to push me to this day.

I have my mom. She supports me. But losing a parent, one of the only people who will tell you how much you mean to them even when you're failing…that makes things feel impossible sometimes.

I have had terrible relationships, as we all have. Each one of them has pointed out some kind of flaw that I have. I have to find the person who loves every one of my flaws. Instead, I find the ones who point them out. Each time, I crawl back a little farther into my hole.

I went to college. I graduated. I got a degree. I couldn't get a job in the field that I thought I was meant for. After lots of prayer, I realized my calling was teaching. I enrolled in graduate school. While I was doing that, I started substitute teaching. As a sub, I always felt like people talked down to me because I was "just a sub". Then I got hired!! I got to work at an amazing school with an amazing [work] family. Then I was sometimes made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just an aide". Then I got to leave the Elementary and go student teach at a high school. Then I was made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just a student teacher".

Then I officially got my certification. I spent a summer searching for jobs and constantly getting turned down or receiving nothing at all. I felt more defeated during that summer that I can remember feeling in a long time. Two days after I applied for my current job, I got an interview. Two days after my interview, I got the job offer. I felt "good enough" for the first time in a long time.

Then the year started and I became "just a first year teacher" to some. This is when I realized that I will always seem like "less than" to someone.

There will always be someone
     smarter
          faster
               more experienced
                    stronger
                         better.

I have achieved SO MANY things. I should be SO PROUD of myself. I think losing one of my biggest supporters has been a huge reason for this constant feeling of "not enough". I'm caught in this downward spiral of achieving something amazing and then finding something else that I need to make better. I need to be in the moment. I need to be satisfied. I need to allow myself to feel accomplished and proud.

I don't say any of this looking for attention or affection or affirmation. I say this because if it is something that I struggle with to this extent, someone - somewhere - struggles with the same thing.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."

However, regardless of anyone's opinion of you, it is important to remember just how valuable you are.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

You make me brave.

I couldn't breathe. The tears wouldn't stop. My mind spun in circles like a windmill, powered by a never-ending force. Anxiety has the ability to control my life. It's not something I like, and it's not something I'm proud of. But it's something I know to be true and it's something I have had to learn to live with.

"When it rains, it pours."

MAN has that been proven true in my life. Sometimes my life is chugging along- a force to be reckoned with. Then, all of a sudden, something falls. Everything else dominoes behind it.

My flaw:

• When all the pieces of my life are falling into place, I feel at peace. I am strong, I am confident, I am powerful. The Lord is on my side and I can feel his presence. Nothing can get in my way.

• …Until something gets in the way. Those pieces that fit together so flawlessly are suddenly tearing apart. One thing after another goes wrong. My life seems to be defined by a single word: malfunction. Suddenly, I am weak, I am vulnerable, I am helpless. I don't feel God near me. I feel alone and scared and I don't want to fight.

The last several days have been a true test for me. My anxiety surfaced with a vengeance after another "domino effect". I found myself curled up on the floor crying out to someone, something. But this time, I didn't know what I was crying out for. The feelings surging through my body were those of desolation and uncertainty. Had I chosen the right path for my life? Was it even my choice? Was I listening and following or was I searching and leading? In my life, I have always felt for The Lord's outstretched arms in my times of trouble. I have always found peace in Him. I can call out His name and this calm rushes over my body. But not this time.

This time, I could feel nothing. I could think nothing. I wanted… nothing. I was scared, truly scared. Even when my father took his own life, I didn't question my god. I didn't ask him why He would put me through this or why He would let my dad make this decision. I relied on my faith. I knew that there was something more; I knew this would be a part of my life, His plan.

But as I was curled up on my bedroom floor resting in a puddle of tears, I didn't feel that. I didn't feel His presence. I didn't feel His arms comfort me. I questioned Him - out loud. He was obviously not there for me. I obviously didn't choose the path He wanted for me because if I had, I wouldn't be hurdling all these obstacles. I know this is absurd, being in my right mind. But at that moment, nothing was right.

We are not only the body of Christ; we are Christ's physical body. We are His hands that touch others' lives. We are His feet that walk this earth to spread His word. We are His eyes that see the good in this world and in others. I reached out to someone, a part of Christ's body, that I knew would help shine a light and lead me out of the darkness. We went to church last night- to worship, to listen, to reflect, and to hear The Lord speak through someone. It was everything I needed.

The Lord suffers when we suffer. He is our father and he does not wish pain upon us. He is a gracious God, extending his love to us. It is up to us to receive it. As I sang to The Lord, lifting my hands to Him, I felt Him enter my body. I felt His arms wrap around me. I heard the words flow through my spirit.

You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises you've made. I was sitting on the shore and He called me out into the waves, into all the things that were falling down around me. I had to be brave, as He has made me, and persevere through the powerful waves crashing into me. I need to use the strength that He has given me, the wisdom He has given me, the will He has given me. When I get through these waves and pass through to the calm seas, I will be stronger in Him.

I will let go of my fears, for He has promised provision. I will let go of my anxieties, for He has promised me comfort. I will let go of my feelings of loneliness, for he Has promised me love. While these waves crash around me, I will hold fast to His promises and trust in Him.

Time.

Fast and slow.

The hand moves around the clock.
Tick tock. Tick tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.

One moment here.
The next, gone.
Time passes like a breeze
through the trees.
Quietly.
Distant memories.

Like yesterday.
Like ten years past.
The blink of an eye,
the turn of a page.
Over.
A brand new day.

The sun rises.
Eyes open.
The new day begins.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Quicker, time passes,
No longer molasses.

Like tomorrow.
Like future dreams.
The brush of a hand,
the rush of a kiss.
Hope,
For all new memories.

Metamorphosis

It was a blazing hot day back in 2009. The truck was loaded up with all of my belongings that I would need for college. Dorm supplies filled the trunk of my car and tissues filled the pockets of my mother's shorts, heaven forbid I be away from her for more than one day. (Love you, Mom.)

I walked into this giant building bustling with people: students, siblings, parents, grandparents. I entered my new home, a small room with two beds and a wall lined with shelves and two desks. On the opposite wall were two small closets, a tiny sink, and a door leading to the suite through the bathroom. There, I met my two new suite-mates. We unloaded my life into my little room, and then Mom and Robert took me shopping for the essentials: groceries that could be eaten in a dorm room, a shower head that would actually spray more than a cup of water per minute, and cleaning supplies because I was going to "clean every weekend".

Mom and Robert went back home and college started. My roommate and my suite-mates joined me at a party. I remember walking around with all of these people that I didn't know and thinking, "Ah, college. This is my life now". Little did I know, I was going to be an Art Major. I had no life. I spent late nights in the common area with the other Arty Fartsies doing our homework and our projects. It was the pits.

I realized I didn't belong in the Art Department, so I changed my major. Then, I got to have a "college life". We went to parties, we took trips, we stayed up past our bed times. It was joyous. (We also paid the price with dark circles under our eyes, mornings hunched over toilets, and full days of wearing sunglasses and headphones to muffle the noises and dim the lights.)

It didn't change much when I moved into my new apartment. We had parties at our place, met lots of new people, and went on adventures. The most memorable one is probably when we tried to venture to Walmart to get groceries during the Icepocolypse of 2011. A week cooped up inside was far too long. Carson drove her jeep and we got stuck on Bonnie Brae about a block from the complex. We ended up pushing the jeep across the street into the Women's Center parking lot BY OURSELVES as men drove by and waved. Four girls in pretty colored scarves, gloves, and rain boots slipping and sliding on the ice as they push a jeep. You can imagine, I'm sure. So we trekked back, stopping at the gas station for as many "creative items" as we could to try to prepare a meal together.

Basically, we ate Cheetos and candy for a week...

Throughout the next year or so, I enjoyed (for the most) the life of a typical college kid. Then things started to change. Things inside of me. I grew up, for some unknown reason, and didn't want to go to the bars. I didn't want to go to parties. I liked hanging out with my friends, but I didn't want to do the "college things" I did before. My life became homework, dinner with friends, a night out dancing and playing pool at Red River, having game nights at the house. I was absolutely content with it. It became my life. I had amazing friends that were always there for me when I needed them. I also had the friends that were not there anymore because I was not at the bars and the parties that they were at.

Why do we have a "college phase"? I hear people say "I don't do the bar thing anymore" all the time. Shoot, I've said it too. I like going to get some drinks with friends every once in a while. I like going and listening to live music. But, I'm not a fan of these overly crowded places filled with smoke and drunks. Is there a switch inside of us that gets flipped? Honestly, I miss the spontaneous, free, do-what-I-want times. But, then again, I love the relaxing, quiet, watch-a-movie-at-home times.

Now my life is grading papers, making lesson plans, rubbing icy hot on my neck and shoulders, and going to happy hour with my coworkers after a long day. And even on those happy-hour days, I'm home and in bed before late. When I think about it, sometimes I feel so old. I feel alone. I miss going out with my friends and staying up late. I miss feeling over-scheduled with fun things. I don't get the invitations like I used to. I guess people "know" what I'm doing already. I like coming home from work and putting on my sweats, laying on the couch, vegging out for a few minutes, and letting my mind slow down. I like the occasional night out, too.

Growing up is a strange thing. Suddenly, you have all of these responsibilities to remember. You have to pay bills, you have to go to work to get money to pay the bills, you have to monitor the bank account that has the money you use to pay your bills. Can you tell I have lots of bills?

You watch your friends move away and get jobs, or get married, or have kids. And you sit back, watching your life change, and wonder what's next. I feel like my life has become very mundane. I'm taking huge steps for my life. I know that. But I still feel like I'm running and running and running, but I can't catch up to where I want to be. I miss "the old days". (Yeah, yeah. My old days weren't that long ago. Blah blah blah. I've heard it before.) I want to try to find a balance. I want some of the old days and some of the new days to come.

I just watched my best friend bring a baby into the world. It's crazy. We used to have spontaneous adventures, go to random concerts, meet for a random happy hour because…we "needed it". Those days are going to be much fewer and further between; I'm okay with that. Now our days will be something much different. Maybe wine in the living room while baby snores in the room next to us. But I can't help but wonder when I'll "catch up" to my friends. Their lives have slowed down because of jobs, husbands, children. I don't need any of those right now. But it would be nice to see that I'm on the path to that. Right now, I'm in limbo. I'm in between. And I'm hanging on for this wild (not-so-wild) ride.