People have asked me many times in my life what depression is like. It's associated with sadness, and that is definitely one of the emotions that you experience in those dark moments. But depression isn't just about being sad. It isn't a choice. People with depression don't actively choose to be unhappy.
Being depressed is like being chained to the floor in a pitch-black room. You can't see anything around you. You don't know how to get out. You fight and fight to try to escape from these chains until your body is beyond exhausted and you have to take a break. You lay back, completely drained of energy, thinking about how terrible you feel and how awful this situation is. You're lonely, and sad, and scared and you just want to get up and walk out.
But you can't.
After you rest, you begin to feel some sense of hope again. You calmly sit up and take a deep breath as you once again attempt to break those chains. Then, you feel something bump into your leg. You reach down and feel a flashlight at your side. You switch it on and immediately the whole room is illuminated. You see a key on the ground next to you and you use it to unlock the chains.
You feel silly, stupid almost, for having fought so hard when you could have "easily" just gotten up and walked out. The key was right there the whole time. But when you were surrounded by that darkness, you didn't feel hope, you felt fear...you felt alone and exhausted. You couldn't see a way out.
If someone had been sitting in the corner of that room trying to give you a pep talk, it would not have given you the strength to snap that metal.
If they sat there while you thrashed in your chains saying "you'll get through it", the metal would not have magically released you.
If they had said "just get up and walk out of the darkness", it doesn't mean you would have gotten very far before you reached the end of your metaphorical leash.
Simply cheering someone on or trying to "send them positivity" doesn't make it possible for them to do the impossible.
You need a flashlight in the darkness.
Depression leaves you in a dark dungeon that you can't escape from. There's no magic word, there's no secret path. It's something that only you can release yourself from. The trick is, like being chained in the dark, you don't really know HOW to release yourself. Until the light finds its way back into your life, you are trapped.
There's a difference between having depression and BEING depressed. I have lived with depression for my entire adult life and half of my teenage years. I have fought that battle, I have been locked in that dungeon, I have searched for so many flashlights. But it doesn't mean that I am always sad or angry or lost. It is, however, beyond my control. I don't get to decide when the darkness comes. It sneaks right in - usually at the most inopportune times.
This is the first summer break that I have actually taken as a teacher. I have always worked because I know that my brain functions better with schedule and routine. But this year, I knew my brain would function best with rest and relaxation. It didn't take long for that depression to kick me right in the ass.
I found myself scrolling aimlessly through social media. I watched people enjoy time with their families, fall more in love with their significant others, and go on amazing trips around the world. I watched all of this from the comfort of my couch. And I slowly began to feel as though my life was not as "magical" as everyone else's. I compared myself to the people on the other side of my screen. I found myself wishing I could do all the things that everyone else was doing.
After spending a long time chained to the floor of my own dark dungeon, I realized how silly it all was. I was letting social media tell me how wonderful or miserable my life was. I was letting people that I met at a party one time and subsequently ended up friending on Facebook dictate my emotions. I decided I didn't want that anymore. I didn't want to see the happiest moments of everyone else's life when I was living some of the hardest ones of mine.
Stepping away from all of it was the best decision I could've made. There are parts about it that I miss, but in all honesty, it was like breaking an addiction. Once I stopped doing it and filled my time with things that were so much more meaningful, I didn't really think about it.
Yes, I posted this blog on my Facebook page - is that hypocritical? I sure hope you don't think so. I'm not here to tell you how wonderful my life is. In fact, I've been struggling more in the last few months than I have in a LONG time. I guess I'm just here for the one person that reads this and realizes they aren't the only one struggling through life.
You don't get to choose your emotions when you have depression. But you do get to choose how to deal with it. This is me dealing with it.
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Saturday, May 7, 2016
It's amazing what can happen in a year
This morning I was flipping through my Timehop and it made me realize what my life was like a year ago. It's not something I enjoy thinking about, but when it resurfaces, it hits me pretty hard.
A year ago at this time, I was in the worst shape of my life - mentally speaking. Although, if I'm honest, I was also in the worst shape physically and emotionally. I was unsure about my future. I didn't see my value as a person or as a professional. I struggled to get out of bed every day because it felt like there wasn't a good reason to do so. Food was a constant in my life because it was something I could control.
At the time, I didn't have control over much of anything. I didn't have much control over where I lived because I didn't have an income. I didn't have control over what I drove because (again, no income) my car had crapped out on me and I had to borrow from a friend.
None of my clothes fit, so I wore sweatpants - Regina George style - almost every day. I chose to spend my days floating in the pool because tan fat looks better than pale fat. Am I right, ladies?! I had no desire to go out with friends or to be in a social environment. I really struggled to get through each and every day. I started running, which only made things worse because I developed shin splints and saw no change in my body. I was discouraged.
I remember having an emotional breakdown in my bedroom. I was living in someone else's home so the only space that was private to me was the bedroom. It was the only place I could go to be alone, and alone was the only place I wanted to be. One day, I got another bill and it just broke me. I knew I couldn't pay it, I knew I literally did not have a way to pay it. I didn't know if I would be able to anytime soon. I didn't know what the future held for me. I was so broken and felt so alone; I just laid on the floor and listened to "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. This is the song I listen to when I just need to break.
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushedBy the weight of this worldAnd I know that you can give me restSo I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption winLet me know the struggle endsThat you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can riseFrom the ashes of a broken lifeAnd all that's dead inside can be rebornCause I'm worn
I laid in silence for a long time. Tears flowed down my face and across my cheeks. The carpet began to soak them all in. That's all I remember; I woke up the next morning laying in same spot on the floor next to my bed, eyes red and swollen and the carpet still damp. But my heart didn't feel the heaviness that I had felt just the night before. I got up, showered, got dressed, and I went on my way. I went out. I went alone…but I went out.
A year ago at this time, I was in the worst shape of my life - mentally speaking. Although, if I'm honest, I was also in the worst shape physically and emotionally. I was unsure about my future. I didn't see my value as a person or as a professional. I struggled to get out of bed every day because it felt like there wasn't a good reason to do so. Food was a constant in my life because it was something I could control.
At the time, I didn't have control over much of anything. I didn't have much control over where I lived because I didn't have an income. I didn't have control over what I drove because (again, no income) my car had crapped out on me and I had to borrow from a friend.
(Sidenote: an amazing friend who let me "have" her car until I could get one of my own - no strings attached. Who can say they have a friend like that?!)I had no idea where I would work when the fall finally came, but I knew I had to have a job or the slope I was sliding down would become steeper. I was strained financially by daily/monthly costs, medical bills, and student loans that wouldn't go away.
None of my clothes fit, so I wore sweatpants - Regina George style - almost every day. I chose to spend my days floating in the pool because tan fat looks better than pale fat. Am I right, ladies?! I had no desire to go out with friends or to be in a social environment. I really struggled to get through each and every day. I started running, which only made things worse because I developed shin splints and saw no change in my body. I was discouraged.
I remember having an emotional breakdown in my bedroom. I was living in someone else's home so the only space that was private to me was the bedroom. It was the only place I could go to be alone, and alone was the only place I wanted to be. One day, I got another bill and it just broke me. I knew I couldn't pay it, I knew I literally did not have a way to pay it. I didn't know if I would be able to anytime soon. I didn't know what the future held for me. I was so broken and felt so alone; I just laid on the floor and listened to "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. This is the song I listen to when I just need to break.
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushedBy the weight of this worldAnd I know that you can give me restSo I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption winLet me know the struggle endsThat you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can riseFrom the ashes of a broken lifeAnd all that's dead inside can be rebornCause I'm worn
Once the summer came, I went on interview after interview. I was denied time after time. I was made to feel worthless over and over. I knew it wasn't their intention, but it was the result. I prayed, and I felt nothing. (Looking back, I know it's because I wasn't listening and I wasn't trusting.)
Two months into this interviewing process, I headed down to Austin for an interview. This position seemed promising and I was so excited. Long story short, the position was not what I had expected and the interview did not go well. I came home and was so incredibly defeated once again. I got online to begin applying for MORE jobs.
Suddenly I came across an opening in the district that I ultimately wanted to work in. It had just been posted one hour earlier. I stared in disbelief for a moment. Then I clicked through and filled out my application. It was a Friday night so I expected to receive no result for quite some time. The following Monday I received a phone call. It was my former assistant principal that wanted to do a quick screening over the phone so I could be put into the interview pool. We scheduled it for Tuesday morning.
9 a.m. Tuesday morning, I went through the screening process and began to feel a little bit of hope. I hung up the phone and just took a deep breath. This time, I thanked The Lord for the opportunity. One hour later, my phone rang and an assistant principal from the high school wanted me to come in for an interview that afternoon. I stumbled through my nonchalant "yes" as the excitement bubbled up inside of me.
I received the job offer two days after my interview. They couldn't officially offer it because the job hadn't been posted for 10 days, but the job was mine. I was blown away. I had so much emotion coursing through my body, I couldn't react. I finally let out a scream.
So here I am, one year later.
This past year has been one of the most challenging and rewarding years of my life. I have learned so much about myself and I have learned just how much room I have to grow. I have had extreme highs and extreme lows. I am wearing clothes that have been tucked in the back of my closet for years because they didn't fit. I am living a healthy life, developing a knack for cooking, and rekindling my love for exercise. I am living in my own apartment with my pup, soaking in what I have worked for. I have a car that I can depend on because I worked my tail off to earn it. I am working a job that I love and enjoying going to [almost] every day. (hey, some days the bed seems so much more appealing…)
I am now in the place that I had pictured for myself a year ago. I have done things that I always wished I could do. I have gone places I had dreamed of going. I have accomplished things that I thought weren't possible. I have opened myself up and learned to trust in The Lord. I have learned that the path I create is not always the path I will walk down.
It is amazing what can happen in one year. It's so hard to remember the darkness that I found myself in just last year. But to see myself in the bright light that I now live in gives me hope for my future. I know that I can overcome anything. I know that if you dream it, you can do it. And to wrap up with another cliche, nothing is impossible.
Two months into this interviewing process, I headed down to Austin for an interview. This position seemed promising and I was so excited. Long story short, the position was not what I had expected and the interview did not go well. I came home and was so incredibly defeated once again. I got online to begin applying for MORE jobs.
Suddenly I came across an opening in the district that I ultimately wanted to work in. It had just been posted one hour earlier. I stared in disbelief for a moment. Then I clicked through and filled out my application. It was a Friday night so I expected to receive no result for quite some time. The following Monday I received a phone call. It was my former assistant principal that wanted to do a quick screening over the phone so I could be put into the interview pool. We scheduled it for Tuesday morning.
9 a.m. Tuesday morning, I went through the screening process and began to feel a little bit of hope. I hung up the phone and just took a deep breath. This time, I thanked The Lord for the opportunity. One hour later, my phone rang and an assistant principal from the high school wanted me to come in for an interview that afternoon. I stumbled through my nonchalant "yes" as the excitement bubbled up inside of me.
I received the job offer two days after my interview. They couldn't officially offer it because the job hadn't been posted for 10 days, but the job was mine. I was blown away. I had so much emotion coursing through my body, I couldn't react. I finally let out a scream.
So here I am, one year later.
This past year has been one of the most challenging and rewarding years of my life. I have learned so much about myself and I have learned just how much room I have to grow. I have had extreme highs and extreme lows. I am wearing clothes that have been tucked in the back of my closet for years because they didn't fit. I am living a healthy life, developing a knack for cooking, and rekindling my love for exercise. I am living in my own apartment with my pup, soaking in what I have worked for. I have a car that I can depend on because I worked my tail off to earn it. I am working a job that I love and enjoying going to [almost] every day. (hey, some days the bed seems so much more appealing…)
I am now in the place that I had pictured for myself a year ago. I have done things that I always wished I could do. I have gone places I had dreamed of going. I have accomplished things that I thought weren't possible. I have opened myself up and learned to trust in The Lord. I have learned that the path I create is not always the path I will walk down.
It is amazing what can happen in one year. It's so hard to remember the darkness that I found myself in just last year. But to see myself in the bright light that I now live in gives me hope for my future. I know that I can overcome anything. I know that if you dream it, you can do it. And to wrap up with another cliche, nothing is impossible.
Friday, December 11, 2015
I'm Not Thankful for What I Have
I haven't been able to spend much time with my thoughts lately. Unfortunately, when I don't filter through my thoughts, they begin to mess with my emotions. Last night, I was so overwhelmed and over-exhausted that I decided to take today off - a "mental health day" if you will.
I've spent my morning in a coffee shop listening to conversations about Christmas plans and new boyfriends and life's troubles. And while it has been nice to be able to just sit, I have been reminded of a thought that recurs often. I am not thankful for what I have.
Don't get me wrong, I am so appreciate of the things that I have. I have worked so hard for them. But I have realized that what I am the most thankful for - the most appreciative of - is all the things I didn't have.
I am so thankful that I didn't have a place to live:
I've spent my morning in a coffee shop listening to conversations about Christmas plans and new boyfriends and life's troubles. And while it has been nice to be able to just sit, I have been reminded of a thought that recurs often. I am not thankful for what I have.
Don't get me wrong, I am so appreciate of the things that I have. I have worked so hard for them. But I have realized that what I am the most thankful for - the most appreciative of - is all the things I didn't have.
I am so thankful that I didn't have a place to live:
- Because I was blessed with an amazing family that welcomed me into their new home. They had a child and raised her while I lived under their roof. They provided comfort and support. They offered words of wisdom when I didn't request them but The Lord was pressing on their hearts because He knew it was what I needed.
- Because I was blessed with family that opened their doors to me. They allowed me to take over part of their house. They cooked for me and loved on me when I was at my lowest point. They helped me through one of the hardest phases of my life. And even though I'm no longer living there, they love me and care for me continuously.
- Because now that I have an apartment of my own with my fur child and my own space and can live on my own time frame, I am filled with joy. I appreciate being on my own because I know how hard I worked. I know that up to this point, I have not legitimately had a place that I could call my own.
I am so thankful that I didn't have a car:
- Because I had to learn to rely on others. I had to learn that it's okay to ask for help. I had to learn that possessions do not define a person. I had to learn that the value of my things does not define my value.
- Because my eyes were opened to just how amazing my best friend is. I have a friend who is willing to give me her car with no strings attached - no questions asked. My friend is willing to give me a car that SHE worked so hard to buy so that I could continue going to work.
- Because I busted my butt to save up enough money to get my own car and give my friend her car back. And now that I have it, I love it. It is not fancy, it is not perfect, and I do not care. I worked so hard to have it and I accomplished that.
I am so thankful that I didn't have a job:
- Because I was made aware of just how amazing my friends and family are. When I was working 40+ hours a week and making a total of $0.00 every month, they stepped up and took care of me. People fixed meals for me, took me to eat, bought me things that I needed and even things that I didn't need.
- Because I learned to really value my work. I was challenged to continue doing my best work even though there was technically no incentive. I was not being paid to do my job and I was not being acknowledge for the work I was doing; I had to remind myself of who I am and how I was raised so that I could continue to do my best work when I felt that I shouldn't have to.
- Because I made some amazing friends and I learned some amazing things. The Lord knew what he was doing when he placed me there. I wouldn't have the job I have today if it weren't for the experiences I had and the people I came in contact with.
I am so thankful that I didn't have my life figured out:
- Because I learned that it's okay to not know.
- Because I learned that the struggle is worth the reward.
- Because I got to experience so many things and meet so many people on the long journey.
- Because God reminded me that the plan I made for myself was not the plan He made for me. Had I continued down the path I was on, there is no telling where I would be. I can only imagine that I would be working some 60-hours-a-week job and hating my existence. I would be stressing for reasons other than I face now. I would be unhappy for reasons other than I am now. I would hate my job more often than I love it.
- Because the journey I am on is ever-changing and wonderful. Every day I get to do what I love and change lives. Even if it isn't clear every day, I am reminded when I need it the most.
I am so thankful for all of the things I didn't have. They make the things I do have even more incredible.
When I first got hired for my job, I was so excited that I would be able to have all of these things that I had "gone without". I was so excited to have a steady paycheck and a new car and a nice apartment of my own. My eyes were on the wrong prize. I'm thankful for this journey that continues to remind me of what is truly important.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Who determines my worth?
I have always struggled with the idea that I am "not good enough".
I know that I'm intelligent. I know that I have many talents. I know that I am capable of so many things. I know that I am independent, yet sometimes I rely on others. I am smart, but there is always something to learn. I am strong, but sometimes the weakness overtakes me.
But the "I'm not good enough" voice is always in the back of my head - whispering, yelling, echoing through my thoughts.
In school, I always had A's. When I got to my senior year, I decided I didn't want to try so hard. I wanted to enjoy my learning. There was one class that was SO HARD for me - AP Anatomy with Janet Williamson. For most of that class, I battled the "I'm not good enough". She helped me through that by telling me how great I really am.
Then I lost my dad. I lost one of my biggest supporters. I lost a person who constantly told me he believed in me and that no matter what I did, I would be great at it. That continues to push me to this day.
I have my mom. She supports me. But losing a parent, one of the only people who will tell you how much you mean to them even when you're failing…that makes things feel impossible sometimes.
I have had terrible relationships, as we all have. Each one of them has pointed out some kind of flaw that I have. I have to find the person who loves every one of my flaws. Instead, I find the ones who point them out. Each time, I crawl back a little farther into my hole.
I went to college. I graduated. I got a degree. I couldn't get a job in the field that I thought I was meant for. After lots of prayer, I realized my calling was teaching. I enrolled in graduate school. While I was doing that, I started substitute teaching. As a sub, I always felt like people talked down to me because I was "just a sub". Then I got hired!! I got to work at an amazing school with an amazing [work] family. Then I was sometimes made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just an aide". Then I got to leave the Elementary and go student teach at a high school. Then I was made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just a student teacher".
Then I officially got my certification. I spent a summer searching for jobs and constantly getting turned down or receiving nothing at all. I felt more defeated during that summer that I can remember feeling in a long time. Two days after I applied for my current job, I got an interview. Two days after my interview, I got the job offer. I felt "good enough" for the first time in a long time.
Then the year started and I became "just a first year teacher" to some. This is when I realized that I will always seem like "less than" to someone.
There will always be someone
smarter
faster
more experienced
stronger
better.
I have achieved SO MANY things. I should be SO PROUD of myself. I think losing one of my biggest supporters has been a huge reason for this constant feeling of "not enough". I'm caught in this downward spiral of achieving something amazing and then finding something else that I need to make better. I need to be in the moment. I need to be satisfied. I need to allow myself to feel accomplished and proud.
I don't say any of this looking for attention or affection or affirmation. I say this because if it is something that I struggle with to this extent, someone - somewhere - struggles with the same thing.
One of my favorite quotes is:
However, regardless of anyone's opinion of you, it is important to remember just how valuable you are.
I know that I'm intelligent. I know that I have many talents. I know that I am capable of so many things. I know that I am independent, yet sometimes I rely on others. I am smart, but there is always something to learn. I am strong, but sometimes the weakness overtakes me.
But the "I'm not good enough" voice is always in the back of my head - whispering, yelling, echoing through my thoughts.
In school, I always had A's. When I got to my senior year, I decided I didn't want to try so hard. I wanted to enjoy my learning. There was one class that was SO HARD for me - AP Anatomy with Janet Williamson. For most of that class, I battled the "I'm not good enough". She helped me through that by telling me how great I really am.
Then I lost my dad. I lost one of my biggest supporters. I lost a person who constantly told me he believed in me and that no matter what I did, I would be great at it. That continues to push me to this day.
I have my mom. She supports me. But losing a parent, one of the only people who will tell you how much you mean to them even when you're failing…that makes things feel impossible sometimes.
I have had terrible relationships, as we all have. Each one of them has pointed out some kind of flaw that I have. I have to find the person who loves every one of my flaws. Instead, I find the ones who point them out. Each time, I crawl back a little farther into my hole.
I went to college. I graduated. I got a degree. I couldn't get a job in the field that I thought I was meant for. After lots of prayer, I realized my calling was teaching. I enrolled in graduate school. While I was doing that, I started substitute teaching. As a sub, I always felt like people talked down to me because I was "just a sub". Then I got hired!! I got to work at an amazing school with an amazing [work] family. Then I was sometimes made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just an aide". Then I got to leave the Elementary and go student teach at a high school. Then I was made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just a student teacher".
Then I officially got my certification. I spent a summer searching for jobs and constantly getting turned down or receiving nothing at all. I felt more defeated during that summer that I can remember feeling in a long time. Two days after I applied for my current job, I got an interview. Two days after my interview, I got the job offer. I felt "good enough" for the first time in a long time.
Then the year started and I became "just a first year teacher" to some. This is when I realized that I will always seem like "less than" to someone.
There will always be someone
smarter
faster
more experienced
stronger
better.
I have achieved SO MANY things. I should be SO PROUD of myself. I think losing one of my biggest supporters has been a huge reason for this constant feeling of "not enough". I'm caught in this downward spiral of achieving something amazing and then finding something else that I need to make better. I need to be in the moment. I need to be satisfied. I need to allow myself to feel accomplished and proud.
I don't say any of this looking for attention or affection or affirmation. I say this because if it is something that I struggle with to this extent, someone - somewhere - struggles with the same thing.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
However, regardless of anyone's opinion of you, it is important to remember just how valuable you are.
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
You make me brave.
I couldn't breathe. The tears wouldn't stop. My mind spun in circles like a windmill, powered by a never-ending force. Anxiety has the ability to control my life. It's not something I like, and it's not something I'm proud of. But it's something I know to be true and it's something I have had to learn to live with.
"When it rains, it pours."
MAN has that been proven true in my life. Sometimes my life is chugging along- a force to be reckoned with. Then, all of a sudden, something falls. Everything else dominoes behind it.
My flaw:
"When it rains, it pours."
MAN has that been proven true in my life. Sometimes my life is chugging along- a force to be reckoned with. Then, all of a sudden, something falls. Everything else dominoes behind it.
My flaw:
- When all the pieces of my life are falling into place, I feel at peace. I am strong, I am confident, I am powerful. The Lord is on my side and I can feel his presence. Nothing can get in my way.
- …Until something gets in the way. Those pieces that fit together so flawlessly are suddenly tearing apart. One thing after another goes wrong. My life seems to be defined by a single word: malfunction. Suddenly, I am weak, I am vulnerable, I am helpless. I don't feel God near me. I feel alone and scared and I don't want to fight.
The last several days have been a true test for me. My anxiety surfaced with a vengeance after another "domino effect". I found myself curled up on the floor crying out to someone, something. But this time, I didn't know what I was crying out for. The feelings surging through my body were those of desolation and uncertainty. Had I chosen the right path for my life? Was it even my choice? Was I listening and following or was I searching and leading? In my life, I have always felt for The Lord's outstretched arms in my times of trouble. I have always found peace in Him. I can call out His name and this calm rushes over my body. But not this time.
This time, I could feel nothing. I could think nothing. I wanted… nothing. I was scared, truly scared. Even when my father took his own life, I didn't question my god. I didn't ask him why He would put me through this or why He would let my dad make this decision. I relied on my faith. I knew that there was something more; I knew this would be a part of my life, His plan.
But as I was curled up on my bedroom floor resting in a puddle of tears, I didn't feel that. I didn't feel His presence. I didn't feel His arms comfort me. I questioned Him - out loud. He was obviously not there for me. I obviously didn't choose the path He wanted for me because if I had, I wouldn't be hurdling all these obstacles. I know this is absurd, being in my right mind. But at that moment, nothing was right.
We are not only the body of Christ; we are Christ's physical body. We are His hands that touch others' lives. We are His feet that walk this earth to spread His word. We are His eyes that see the good in this world and in others. I reached out to someone, a part of Christ's body, that I knew would help shine a light and lead me out of the darkness. We went to church last night- to worship, to listen, to reflect, and to hear The Lord speak through someone. It was everything I needed.
The Lord suffers when we suffer. He is our father and he does not wish pain upon us. He is a gracious God, extending his love to us. It is up to us to receive it. As I sang to The Lord, lifting my hands to Him, I felt Him enter my body. I felt His arms wrap around me. I heard the words flow through my spirit.
You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises you've made. I was sitting on the shore and He called me out into the waves, into all the things that were falling down around me. I had to be brave, as He has made me, and persevere through the powerful waves crashing into me. I need to use the strength that He has given me, the wisdom He has given me, the will He has given me. When I get through these waves and pass through to the calm seas, I will be stronger in Him.
I will let go of my fears, for He has promised provision. I will let go of my anxieties, for He has promised me comfort. I will let go of my feelings of loneliness, for he Has promised me love. While these waves crash around me, I will hold fast to His promises and trust in Him.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Time.
Fast and slow.
The hand moves around the clock.
Tick tock. Tick tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
One moment here.
The next, gone.
Time passes like a breeze
through the trees.
Quietly.
Distant memories.
Like yesterday.
Like ten years past.
The blink of an eye,
the turn of a page.
Over.
A brand new day.
The sun rises.
Eyes open.
The new day begins.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Quicker, time passes,
No longer molasses.
Like tomorrow.
Like future dreams.
The brush of a hand,
the rush of a kiss.
Hope,
For all new memories.
The hand moves around the clock.
Tick tock. Tick tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
One moment here.
The next, gone.
Time passes like a breeze
through the trees.
Quietly.
Distant memories.
Like yesterday.
Like ten years past.
The blink of an eye,
the turn of a page.
Over.
A brand new day.
The sun rises.
Eyes open.
The new day begins.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Quicker, time passes,
No longer molasses.
Like tomorrow.
Like future dreams.
The brush of a hand,
the rush of a kiss.
Hope,
For all new memories.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Metamorphosis
It was a blazing hot day back in 2009. The truck was loaded up with all of my belongings that I would need for college. Dorm supplies filled the trunk of my car and tissues filled the pockets of my mother's shorts, heaven forbid I be away from her for more than one day. (Love you, Mom.)
I walked into this giant building bustling with people: students, siblings, parents, grandparents. I entered my new home, a small room with two beds and a wall lined with shelves and two desks. On the opposite wall were two small closets, a tiny sink, and a door leading to the suite through the bathroom. There, I met my two new suite-mates. We unloaded my life into my little room, and then Mom and Robert took me shopping for the essentials: groceries that could be eaten in a dorm room, a shower head that would actually spray more than a cup of water per minute, and cleaning supplies because I was going to "clean every weekend".
Mom and Robert went back home and college started. My roommate and my suite-mates joined me at a party. I remember walking around with all of these people that I didn't know and thinking, "Ah, college. This is my life now". Little did I know, I was going to be an Art Major. I had no life. I spent late nights in the common area with the other Arty Fartsies doing our homework and our projects. It was the pits.
I realized I didn't belong in the Art Department, so I changed my major. Then, I got to have a "college life". We went to parties, we took trips, we stayed up past our bed times. It was joyous. (We also paid the price with dark circles under our eyes, mornings hunched over toilets, and full days of wearing sunglasses and headphones to muffle the noises and dim the lights.)
It didn't change much when I moved into my new apartment. We had parties at our place, met lots of new people, and went on adventures. The most memorable one is probably when we tried to venture to Walmart to get groceries during the Icepocolypse of 2011. A week cooped up inside was far too long. Carson drove her jeep and we got stuck on Bonnie Brae about a block from the complex. We ended up pushing the jeep across the street into the Women's Center parking lot BY OURSELVES as men drove by and waved. Four girls in pretty colored scarves, gloves, and rain boots slipping and sliding on the ice as they push a jeep. You can imagine, I'm sure. So we trekked back, stopping at the gas station for as many "creative items" as we could to try to prepare a meal together.
Why do we have a "college phase"? I hear people say "I don't do the bar thing anymore" all the time. Shoot, I've said it too. I like going to get some drinks with friends every once in a while. I like going and listening to live music. But, I'm not a fan of these overly crowded places filled with smoke and drunks. Is there a switch inside of us that gets flipped? Honestly, I miss the spontaneous, free, do-what-I-want times. But, then again, I love the relaxing, quiet, watch-a-movie-at-home times.
Now my life is grading papers, making lesson plans, rubbing icy hot on my neck and shoulders, and going to happy hour with my coworkers after a long day. And even on those happy-hour days, I'm home and in bed before late. When I think about it, sometimes I feel so old. I feel alone. I miss going out with my friends and staying up late. I miss feeling over-scheduled with fun things. I don't get the invitations like I used to. I guess people "know" what I'm doing already. I like coming home from work and putting on my sweats, laying on the couch, vegging out for a few minutes, and letting my mind slow down. I like the occasional night out, too.
Growing up is a strange thing. Suddenly, you have all of these responsibilities to remember. You have to pay bills, you have to go to work to get money to pay the bills, you have to monitor the bank account that has the money you use to pay your bills. Can you tell I have lots of bills?
You watch your friends move away and get jobs, or get married, or have kids. And you sit back, watching your life change, and wonder what's next. I feel like my life has become very mundane. I'm taking huge steps for my life. I know that. But I still feel like I'm running and running and running, but I can't catch up to where I want to be. I miss "the old days". (Yeah, yeah. My old days weren't that long ago. Blah blah blah. I've heard it before.) I want to try to find a balance. I want some of the old days and some of the new days to come.
I just watched my best friend bring a baby into the world. It's crazy. We used to have spontaneous adventures, go to random concerts, meet for a random happy hour because…we "needed it". Those days are going to be much fewer and further between; I'm okay with that. Now our days will be something much different. Maybe wine in the living room while baby snores in the room next to us. But I can't help but wonder when I'll "catch up" to my friends. Their lives have slowed down because of jobs, husbands, children. I don't need any of those right now. But it would be nice to see that I'm on the path to that. Right now, I'm in limbo. I'm in between. And I'm hanging on for this wild (not-so-wild) ride.
I walked into this giant building bustling with people: students, siblings, parents, grandparents. I entered my new home, a small room with two beds and a wall lined with shelves and two desks. On the opposite wall were two small closets, a tiny sink, and a door leading to the suite through the bathroom. There, I met my two new suite-mates. We unloaded my life into my little room, and then Mom and Robert took me shopping for the essentials: groceries that could be eaten in a dorm room, a shower head that would actually spray more than a cup of water per minute, and cleaning supplies because I was going to "clean every weekend".
Mom and Robert went back home and college started. My roommate and my suite-mates joined me at a party. I remember walking around with all of these people that I didn't know and thinking, "Ah, college. This is my life now". Little did I know, I was going to be an Art Major. I had no life. I spent late nights in the common area with the other Arty Fartsies doing our homework and our projects. It was the pits.
I realized I didn't belong in the Art Department, so I changed my major. Then, I got to have a "college life". We went to parties, we took trips, we stayed up past our bed times. It was joyous. (We also paid the price with dark circles under our eyes, mornings hunched over toilets, and full days of wearing sunglasses and headphones to muffle the noises and dim the lights.)
It didn't change much when I moved into my new apartment. We had parties at our place, met lots of new people, and went on adventures. The most memorable one is probably when we tried to venture to Walmart to get groceries during the Icepocolypse of 2011. A week cooped up inside was far too long. Carson drove her jeep and we got stuck on Bonnie Brae about a block from the complex. We ended up pushing the jeep across the street into the Women's Center parking lot BY OURSELVES as men drove by and waved. Four girls in pretty colored scarves, gloves, and rain boots slipping and sliding on the ice as they push a jeep. You can imagine, I'm sure. So we trekked back, stopping at the gas station for as many "creative items" as we could to try to prepare a meal together.
Basically, we ate Cheetos and candy for a week...Throughout the next year or so, I enjoyed (for the most) the life of a typical college kid. Then things started to change. Things inside of me. I grew up, for some unknown reason, and didn't want to go to the bars. I didn't want to go to parties. I liked hanging out with my friends, but I didn't want to do the "college things" I did before. My life became homework, dinner with friends, a night out dancing and playing pool at Red River, having game nights at the house. I was absolutely content with it. It became my life. I had amazing friends that were always there for me when I needed them. I also had the friends that were not there anymore because I was not at the bars and the parties that they were at.
Why do we have a "college phase"? I hear people say "I don't do the bar thing anymore" all the time. Shoot, I've said it too. I like going to get some drinks with friends every once in a while. I like going and listening to live music. But, I'm not a fan of these overly crowded places filled with smoke and drunks. Is there a switch inside of us that gets flipped? Honestly, I miss the spontaneous, free, do-what-I-want times. But, then again, I love the relaxing, quiet, watch-a-movie-at-home times.
Now my life is grading papers, making lesson plans, rubbing icy hot on my neck and shoulders, and going to happy hour with my coworkers after a long day. And even on those happy-hour days, I'm home and in bed before late. When I think about it, sometimes I feel so old. I feel alone. I miss going out with my friends and staying up late. I miss feeling over-scheduled with fun things. I don't get the invitations like I used to. I guess people "know" what I'm doing already. I like coming home from work and putting on my sweats, laying on the couch, vegging out for a few minutes, and letting my mind slow down. I like the occasional night out, too.
Growing up is a strange thing. Suddenly, you have all of these responsibilities to remember. You have to pay bills, you have to go to work to get money to pay the bills, you have to monitor the bank account that has the money you use to pay your bills. Can you tell I have lots of bills?
You watch your friends move away and get jobs, or get married, or have kids. And you sit back, watching your life change, and wonder what's next. I feel like my life has become very mundane. I'm taking huge steps for my life. I know that. But I still feel like I'm running and running and running, but I can't catch up to where I want to be. I miss "the old days". (Yeah, yeah. My old days weren't that long ago. Blah blah blah. I've heard it before.) I want to try to find a balance. I want some of the old days and some of the new days to come.
I just watched my best friend bring a baby into the world. It's crazy. We used to have spontaneous adventures, go to random concerts, meet for a random happy hour because…we "needed it". Those days are going to be much fewer and further between; I'm okay with that. Now our days will be something much different. Maybe wine in the living room while baby snores in the room next to us. But I can't help but wonder when I'll "catch up" to my friends. Their lives have slowed down because of jobs, husbands, children. I don't need any of those right now. But it would be nice to see that I'm on the path to that. Right now, I'm in limbo. I'm in between. And I'm hanging on for this wild (not-so-wild) ride.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Not goodbye; just see you later.
I have been surround by and lifted up by so much support this last week. My heart is overflowing. That's probably why this watery stuff has been coming out of my eyes all day. There's just nowhere left for it to go.
It's strange to say that it feels good that everyone is so sad to see me go, but it does! I had never felt wanted and accepted the way that my Rockbrook Bears made me feel. To walk in every morning to a "good morning" and a smile, to be greeted by littles and bigs alike with giant hugs and "I missed you"s, there is nothing quite like it. Walking through that building today was so surreal.
The idea of not coming back to wander those halls is heartbreaking. Not having to walk from my far corner of the building to the lounge 100 times a day makes me sad. Not getting to go down the hall to Mary and Becky's room or to stop by Staci's for some coffee and BioFreeze makes me sad. Not being able to walk in to Diane's smile every morning makes me not want to leave. I will miss SO many things about this family and this home.
I know it's a new chapter, but in all honestly, it feels more like a new book. I don't want to put this book down. It has made me feel emotions I never thought I could feel. It has made me think in ways that I have never thought before. It has caused me to solve problems that I never wanted to face. This book has been the best one I've read so far. I won't put it down for long. I'll set it safely on my shelf so that I can turn to it when I need a good reminder of what a family, a cohesive staff, a friend, a good teacher, or a partner in crime looks like. I'll turn to it when I need to remember why I have chosen this life. I will turn to it when I need to see the differences I have already made in some students' lives so that I can be pushed to make it happen again and again.
I have been blessed with great jobs and wonderful friendships over the years. Some of my best friends are people I met through a job. So here I am, once again, facing reality. I have to leave. Things have to change.
Two years ago, when I decided to start substitute teaching and pursuing my secondary certification and Masters of Education, I could have never dreamed of what life had in store for me. I worked at so many schools. I fell in love with school environments, faculty, and students. I had created these relationships and these bonds that I cherished. I spent most of my time among two elementary schools and one high school. I loved being at the high school because, ultimately, that's where I wanted to end up. But these two elementary schools had a special place in my heart.
I had formed bonds with the students in these schools. They made me smile every day; they hugged me as I passed in the hallways; they would yell out "hey Ms. Miller!!" as I passed by. There were even kids that knew my name who, I'm pretty sure, I had never met! What could possibly make you feel more special than being wanted and being loved. I applied for a position at one of the elementary schools and, stupidly, placed all of my hope in that idea. When it fell through, I was so disappointed. I had begun to build up that idea in my head: what it would be like to stay at that school every day with the teachers and the students I had grown so close to.
The day after I found out I did not get that job, I walked into the other elementary school to substitute for the day. I was very frustrated and let down that the job had fallen through. As I walked through the office doors that morning, the principal stopped me and asked to speak to me. The tone in her voice kind of freaked me out. I'm not a mean teacher, but I don't put up with any crap. So when she pulled me aside, I thought for sure I had done something wrong.
I accepted on the spot. There was no question. I would get to be at the other school that I had fallen in love with. They made me feel like a family every time I walked in the doors. Things moved so quickly from there. I was placed with teachers to help get me started, I attended trainings, I became part of a team (technically two teams). I fell in love with the staff. I felt like I had a family in that building every morning when I walked in. My students were my special little ducklings. I took care of them, I loved them, I strived for nothing but the best for them.
So here I sit, over a year later, looking back at how wonderful things have been. I have made so many amazing friends. I have learned so many valuable skills. I have created some incredible memories that I could never let go of.
I love you, Rockbrook Bears. I'm so very excited for my new journey. But just remember: once a Bear, always a Bear!
It's strange to say that it feels good that everyone is so sad to see me go, but it does! I had never felt wanted and accepted the way that my Rockbrook Bears made me feel. To walk in every morning to a "good morning" and a smile, to be greeted by littles and bigs alike with giant hugs and "I missed you"s, there is nothing quite like it. Walking through that building today was so surreal.
The idea of not coming back to wander those halls is heartbreaking. Not having to walk from my far corner of the building to the lounge 100 times a day makes me sad. Not getting to go down the hall to Mary and Becky's room or to stop by Staci's for some coffee and BioFreeze makes me sad. Not being able to walk in to Diane's smile every morning makes me not want to leave. I will miss SO many things about this family and this home.
I know it's a new chapter, but in all honestly, it feels more like a new book. I don't want to put this book down. It has made me feel emotions I never thought I could feel. It has made me think in ways that I have never thought before. It has caused me to solve problems that I never wanted to face. This book has been the best one I've read so far. I won't put it down for long. I'll set it safely on my shelf so that I can turn to it when I need a good reminder of what a family, a cohesive staff, a friend, a good teacher, or a partner in crime looks like. I'll turn to it when I need to remember why I have chosen this life. I will turn to it when I need to see the differences I have already made in some students' lives so that I can be pushed to make it happen again and again.
I have been blessed with great jobs and wonderful friendships over the years. Some of my best friends are people I met through a job. So here I am, once again, facing reality. I have to leave. Things have to change.
Two years ago, when I decided to start substitute teaching and pursuing my secondary certification and Masters of Education, I could have never dreamed of what life had in store for me. I worked at so many schools. I fell in love with school environments, faculty, and students. I had created these relationships and these bonds that I cherished. I spent most of my time among two elementary schools and one high school. I loved being at the high school because, ultimately, that's where I wanted to end up. But these two elementary schools had a special place in my heart.
I had formed bonds with the students in these schools. They made me smile every day; they hugged me as I passed in the hallways; they would yell out "hey Ms. Miller!!" as I passed by. There were even kids that knew my name who, I'm pretty sure, I had never met! What could possibly make you feel more special than being wanted and being loved. I applied for a position at one of the elementary schools and, stupidly, placed all of my hope in that idea. When it fell through, I was so disappointed. I had begun to build up that idea in my head: what it would be like to stay at that school every day with the teachers and the students I had grown so close to.
The day after I found out I did not get that job, I walked into the other elementary school to substitute for the day. I was very frustrated and let down that the job had fallen through. As I walked through the office doors that morning, the principal stopped me and asked to speak to me. The tone in her voice kind of freaked me out. I'm not a mean teacher, but I don't put up with any crap. So when she pulled me aside, I thought for sure I had done something wrong.
She offered me a job….
I accepted on the spot. There was no question. I would get to be at the other school that I had fallen in love with. They made me feel like a family every time I walked in the doors. Things moved so quickly from there. I was placed with teachers to help get me started, I attended trainings, I became part of a team (technically two teams). I fell in love with the staff. I felt like I had a family in that building every morning when I walked in. My students were my special little ducklings. I took care of them, I loved them, I strived for nothing but the best for them.
So here I sit, over a year later, looking back at how wonderful things have been. I have made so many amazing friends. I have learned so many valuable skills. I have created some incredible memories that I could never let go of.
Tonight my heart is overflowing with joy and sadness.
I love you, Rockbrook Bears. I'm so very excited for my new journey. But just remember: once a Bear, always a Bear!
Monday, December 22, 2014
Christmas is here.
The holidays are upon us once again. I love the holiday season!
I love the smell of pumpkin and cinnamon.
I love the naked trees, still so full of life when the wind blows and their branches sway.
I love the smell of a fire drifting from a family's fireplace.
I love the cheer that fills peoples' hearts.
Christmas brings out such wonderful things.
But I hate the holidays.
I remember how much I miss the smell of Dad's Skoal Wintergreen Long Cut.
I miss watching Christmas movies with him.
I miss him building a fire and passing the burden of keeping it alive on to the rest of us.
I miss the cheer that filled my heart.
Christmas brings out the pain in my heart.
When everything starts to get turned inside out and upside down and right side up and outside in, my brain begins to wander to some dark places. I try to walk out of it, but without the flashlight in my hand, I begin to trip over some thoughts. This is what I tripped on today:
I am not a person who deals well with change. However, 6 years ago, my life changed forever. I am still trying to learn how to adjust. Everything changed: the person I share my burdens with, my career path, the way we spend our holidays. So, every year when the holidays come back around, I am initially filled with such excitement. And it slowly starts to drain.
I wish I could stand like a tree. I wish I could dig my roots deep into the soil and not move. I wish I could sway gracefully back and forth with the wind. I wish that I had a season where all of my dead leaves, my burdens, my troubles, my anxieties, would fall to the ground and blow away.
A tree stands tall, living off of the only things it needs- nourishment from the soil and water.
It does not want more than it is given; The Lord provides for it.
It does not stop breathing when its leaves fall to the ground; it thrives.
It doesn't topple in the powerful winds; it demonstrates its flexibility.
I want to stand tall, living off of what I need- The Lord's nourishment for my soul.
I want to flourish with what I'm given; The Lord provides for me.
I want to be flexible, knowing that I will not fall.
I wish I could be like a tree, firm in what I know.
As a child, you are told what to do and when to do it. As a young adult, you're still often told what to do and when to do it. However, you're offered a little more flexibility in your decisions. As an adult, you make your decisions. You are raised to be a thinker, to weigh the consequences in decision-making. It is only fair that you get to make your choices as an adult. Unfortunately, you also face your consequences.
Growing up, I was taught that "the choices you make today affect the choices you can and cannot make tomorrow". I have lived this, as well. I have made some choices that have affected me greatly. I have learned a lot of lessons; most of them the hard way. I have lost some friendships and some relationships- those have been both choices and consequences. Life constantly changes and I get caught up in the whirlwind, losing sight of where my roots should be planted. That's when my vision becomes blurry and I begin to make decisions for the wrong reasons.
No longer. My decisions will be made based on what I know, what I believe. My decisions will be just that- MY decisions. Those who get in the way and try to to blow me down with their powerful winds should know that I have my roots planted firmly in the ground, in The Word. You can hurt my feelings, but you can't hurt my heart that is held tightly in the hands of The Lord. You can push me away, but you can't push me off the edge. You can watch my leaves fall, but I don't want you there to pick them up.
This holiday season, I will not be knocked down. I will not let the dark corridor of thoughts and emotions be my path. I will break through to an open path; one lined with memories, family, friends. I am excited to celebrate Christmas for what it is- the birth of my Lord and Savior. I will sit alongside my family and celebrate the freedom we have through Christ. I will not be dragged down, but rather, I will lift Him up.
I love the smell of pumpkin and cinnamon.
I love the naked trees, still so full of life when the wind blows and their branches sway.
I love the smell of a fire drifting from a family's fireplace.
I love the cheer that fills peoples' hearts.
Christmas brings out such wonderful things.
But I hate the holidays.
I remember how much I miss the smell of Dad's Skoal Wintergreen Long Cut.
I miss watching Christmas movies with him.
I miss him building a fire and passing the burden of keeping it alive on to the rest of us.
I miss the cheer that filled my heart.
Christmas brings out the pain in my heart.
When everything starts to get turned inside out and upside down and right side up and outside in, my brain begins to wander to some dark places. I try to walk out of it, but without the flashlight in my hand, I begin to trip over some thoughts. This is what I tripped on today:
I am not a person who deals well with change. However, 6 years ago, my life changed forever. I am still trying to learn how to adjust. Everything changed: the person I share my burdens with, my career path, the way we spend our holidays. So, every year when the holidays come back around, I am initially filled with such excitement. And it slowly starts to drain.
I wish I could stand like a tree. I wish I could dig my roots deep into the soil and not move. I wish I could sway gracefully back and forth with the wind. I wish that I had a season where all of my dead leaves, my burdens, my troubles, my anxieties, would fall to the ground and blow away.
A tree stands tall, living off of the only things it needs- nourishment from the soil and water.
It does not want more than it is given; The Lord provides for it.
It does not stop breathing when its leaves fall to the ground; it thrives.
It doesn't topple in the powerful winds; it demonstrates its flexibility.
I want to stand tall, living off of what I need- The Lord's nourishment for my soul.
I want to flourish with what I'm given; The Lord provides for me.
I want to be flexible, knowing that I will not fall.
I wish I could be like a tree, firm in what I know.
As a child, you are told what to do and when to do it. As a young adult, you're still often told what to do and when to do it. However, you're offered a little more flexibility in your decisions. As an adult, you make your decisions. You are raised to be a thinker, to weigh the consequences in decision-making. It is only fair that you get to make your choices as an adult. Unfortunately, you also face your consequences.
Growing up, I was taught that "the choices you make today affect the choices you can and cannot make tomorrow". I have lived this, as well. I have made some choices that have affected me greatly. I have learned a lot of lessons; most of them the hard way. I have lost some friendships and some relationships- those have been both choices and consequences. Life constantly changes and I get caught up in the whirlwind, losing sight of where my roots should be planted. That's when my vision becomes blurry and I begin to make decisions for the wrong reasons.
No longer. My decisions will be made based on what I know, what I believe. My decisions will be just that- MY decisions. Those who get in the way and try to to blow me down with their powerful winds should know that I have my roots planted firmly in the ground, in The Word. You can hurt my feelings, but you can't hurt my heart that is held tightly in the hands of The Lord. You can push me away, but you can't push me off the edge. You can watch my leaves fall, but I don't want you there to pick them up.
This holiday season, I will not be knocked down. I will not let the dark corridor of thoughts and emotions be my path. I will break through to an open path; one lined with memories, family, friends. I am excited to celebrate Christmas for what it is- the birth of my Lord and Savior. I will sit alongside my family and celebrate the freedom we have through Christ. I will not be dragged down, but rather, I will lift Him up.
Friday, July 25, 2014
A Sad Goodbye
I received some heartbreaking news this evening: my fifth grade teacher passed away last week.
For some people, this would be sad simply because it's a death. Death is a sad thing. You know other people are hurting because they have lost a loved one, therefore you feel empathy. But this is so much more than that. This woman is part of the reason I want to be a teacher.
At the time, she did so much for me. But as an adult, looking back, I can see how incredible she was and how much she taught me!
You see, many students thought she was so mean. But the ones who knew her saw how great she was. She was a teacher who had expectations and demanded that you meet them. She didn't tolerate disrespect. She had rules in her classroom...and the rules applied to everyone, not just the students she liked the least. She treated everyone the same. (Kind of sounds like my classroom...)
Until one day...
Fifth grade was my absolute WORST year. (socially speaking) Fifth grade girls are vicious and caddy. I was left out of things, cut out of friendships, pushed out of conversations, ...you name it. I hated school. I hated life. I didn't want to be there. For a little girl who loved to learn, that was a big problem.
Ola Reed showed me love when I needed it the most. She showed me compassion when I felt like nobody cared about me. She made me want to be at school. She stopped others from mistreating me and even dished it back to them once. **Once to my knowledge. If she did this in front of me, who knows how many times she did it! If I'm being honest, I'm hoping many times!** I will never forget the look on my "friends'" faces when she started childishly pointing and laughing at them from across the room.
Here I am, teaching fifth graders. Here I am, watching fifth grade girls (and boys) relentlessly torture each other. Here I am, listening to mean comments whispered behind backs. And I hear Ms. Reed..."why would you want to make someone else feel that way?!...think about how your actions affect others." I get to sit down with my students when they are hurting or angry and I get to work through their feelings with them. It's something that I understand all too well. It's something that I would not have survived if it weren't for Ms. Reed.
With a heavy heart, I will travel to the church for her memorial service tomorrow morning. With tears in my eyes, I will watch her family say goodbye, for I have walked down that road before. But I rejoice at the opportunity to have known such an amazing woman. I am hopeful that one day, I can touch someone's life the way she touched mine. They say you have to truly be passionate about teaching if that's the career you choose - she was. And she will continue to inspire me and fuel my passion for years to come.
Rest in peace, Ms. Reed. I look forward to seeing you again and thanking you once again for all you have done in my life.
For some people, this would be sad simply because it's a death. Death is a sad thing. You know other people are hurting because they have lost a loved one, therefore you feel empathy. But this is so much more than that. This woman is part of the reason I want to be a teacher.
At the time, she did so much for me. But as an adult, looking back, I can see how incredible she was and how much she taught me!
You see, many students thought she was so mean. But the ones who knew her saw how great she was. She was a teacher who had expectations and demanded that you meet them. She didn't tolerate disrespect. She had rules in her classroom...and the rules applied to everyone, not just the students she liked the least. She treated everyone the same. (Kind of sounds like my classroom...)
Until one day...
Fifth grade was my absolute WORST year. (socially speaking) Fifth grade girls are vicious and caddy. I was left out of things, cut out of friendships, pushed out of conversations, ...you name it. I hated school. I hated life. I didn't want to be there. For a little girl who loved to learn, that was a big problem.
Ola Reed showed me love when I needed it the most. She showed me compassion when I felt like nobody cared about me. She made me want to be at school. She stopped others from mistreating me and even dished it back to them once. **Once to my knowledge. If she did this in front of me, who knows how many times she did it! If I'm being honest, I'm hoping many times!** I will never forget the look on my "friends'" faces when she started childishly pointing and laughing at them from across the room.
"How does that feel?" she asked them. "How does it feel to have someone laughing at you, talking about you, not knowing what they're saying?! It doesn't feel good, does it? Why would you want to make someone else feel that way? You need to think about how your actions affect others."
Here I am, teaching fifth graders. Here I am, watching fifth grade girls (and boys) relentlessly torture each other. Here I am, listening to mean comments whispered behind backs. And I hear Ms. Reed..."why would you want to make someone else feel that way?!...think about how your actions affect others." I get to sit down with my students when they are hurting or angry and I get to work through their feelings with them. It's something that I understand all too well. It's something that I would not have survived if it weren't for Ms. Reed.
With a heavy heart, I will travel to the church for her memorial service tomorrow morning. With tears in my eyes, I will watch her family say goodbye, for I have walked down that road before. But I rejoice at the opportunity to have known such an amazing woman. I am hopeful that one day, I can touch someone's life the way she touched mine. They say you have to truly be passionate about teaching if that's the career you choose - she was. And she will continue to inspire me and fuel my passion for years to come.
Rest in peace, Ms. Reed. I look forward to seeing you again and thanking you once again for all you have done in my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Why are you single?
So, I got asked this annoying question again the other day: "Why are you single?"
First of all, he was a creep. And he said it in a very creepy, suggestive way. So I grabbed my $10 engagement ring out of my pocket and nonchalantly slipped it on my finger and told him "I'm not" as I continued to lift my drink with my ring finger conveniently placed in the front. But as he walked away, I really began to think about the answer.
The answer is simple. I have standards. People say that if you have low expectations, you won't be disappointed. And yes, this can be true. But in regards to relationships, I look at this very differently.
I was taught to have very high expectations of a man; Daddy said I deserve the best. Daddy was right. I have had incredible marriages modeled for me in my life: my grandparents, my sister and her husband, my mother and father. I have watched them love, I have watched them bend but not break, I have watched them grow, I have watched them worship. I have been fortunate enough to see loving marriages flourish in front of me. I have high standards when it comes to what I want in a life partner, a husband, a father to my children.
You see, if you set your expectations low, you will absolutely be disappointed. You will settle for someone that is not worthy of you. You deserve the absolute best. You deserve someone who loves all of you, forever. You deserve someone who knows your flaws and loves you because of them. You deserve someone who knows your weakness and builds you up when you're facing them. When you set your expectations low, you do not get that.
When you allow yourself to be with someone who simply meets your lowest standards, you may receive instant satisfaction in those shallow relationships. Perhaps that's why you settle for them. They bring you a sense of hope [though it's false hope]. But eventually that hope fades away and you are faced with another disappointment. No matter how big or how small, those disappointments will wear on your heart. One after another, they chip away at your heart; little pieces begin to fall. When that man, the one who loves everything about you, every part of you, every flaw, comes along, your shattered heart will be there unable to mend itself. It will be expecting the same thing, waiting for another piece to be torn away.
BUT when you allow yourself to only be with those who exceed your highest expectations, you will receive long-lasting satisfaction. Yes, you will face many, many disappointments and a lot of heartache. But is it not worth having life-long satisfaction with someone who loves you and supports you?
It's like a diet: Hello, coming from me, this is a huge analogy. I hate diets. They are so hard to stick to. But when you want to accomplish something, really accomplish something, you do it! You're down 30 lbs. You only have to lose 5 more to reach your goal. Do you eat the chocolate cake or do you suck it up and eat some fat-free yogurt and go for a walk with your dog?! YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT FOR YOUR DIET. DON'T RUIN IT NOW!
Do you settle for the really cute guy with the mediocre job that compliments you on your eyes and smile, but only texts you a few days a week and has other girls posting all over his Facebook? Or do you wait for the one who actively pursues you and shows you with his actions and his words that he is worthy of you, he is someone who deserves you? And equally that you deserve him?
I say this all to "you", though I'm also speaking for myself. This is something I have been struggling with for the last few years. I settle. It's not for very long, because I receive a little (although, usually not so little) reminder from the man upstairs. Sometimes, it takes a nudge; sometimes it takes a shove- off a cliff. Those relationships are short-lived and I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for that. I guess I just needed this creep to ask me why I was single to remind me that I have a very good reason for it: I have standards, and I haven't met a man that has met them yet.
First of all, he was a creep. And he said it in a very creepy, suggestive way. So I grabbed my $10 engagement ring out of my pocket and nonchalantly slipped it on my finger and told him "I'm not" as I continued to lift my drink with my ring finger conveniently placed in the front. But as he walked away, I really began to think about the answer.
The answer is simple. I have standards. People say that if you have low expectations, you won't be disappointed. And yes, this can be true. But in regards to relationships, I look at this very differently.
I was taught to have very high expectations of a man; Daddy said I deserve the best. Daddy was right. I have had incredible marriages modeled for me in my life: my grandparents, my sister and her husband, my mother and father. I have watched them love, I have watched them bend but not break, I have watched them grow, I have watched them worship. I have been fortunate enough to see loving marriages flourish in front of me. I have high standards when it comes to what I want in a life partner, a husband, a father to my children.
You see, if you set your expectations low, you will absolutely be disappointed. You will settle for someone that is not worthy of you. You deserve the absolute best. You deserve someone who loves all of you, forever. You deserve someone who knows your flaws and loves you because of them. You deserve someone who knows your weakness and builds you up when you're facing them. When you set your expectations low, you do not get that.
When you allow yourself to be with someone who simply meets your lowest standards, you may receive instant satisfaction in those shallow relationships. Perhaps that's why you settle for them. They bring you a sense of hope [though it's false hope]. But eventually that hope fades away and you are faced with another disappointment. No matter how big or how small, those disappointments will wear on your heart. One after another, they chip away at your heart; little pieces begin to fall. When that man, the one who loves everything about you, every part of you, every flaw, comes along, your shattered heart will be there unable to mend itself. It will be expecting the same thing, waiting for another piece to be torn away.
BUT when you allow yourself to only be with those who exceed your highest expectations, you will receive long-lasting satisfaction. Yes, you will face many, many disappointments and a lot of heartache. But is it not worth having life-long satisfaction with someone who loves you and supports you?
It's like a diet: Hello, coming from me, this is a huge analogy. I hate diets. They are so hard to stick to. But when you want to accomplish something, really accomplish something, you do it! You're down 30 lbs. You only have to lose 5 more to reach your goal. Do you eat the chocolate cake or do you suck it up and eat some fat-free yogurt and go for a walk with your dog?! YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT FOR YOUR DIET. DON'T RUIN IT NOW!
Do you settle for the really cute guy with the mediocre job that compliments you on your eyes and smile, but only texts you a few days a week and has other girls posting all over his Facebook? Or do you wait for the one who actively pursues you and shows you with his actions and his words that he is worthy of you, he is someone who deserves you? And equally that you deserve him?
I say this all to "you", though I'm also speaking for myself. This is something I have been struggling with for the last few years. I settle. It's not for very long, because I receive a little (although, usually not so little) reminder from the man upstairs. Sometimes, it takes a nudge; sometimes it takes a shove- off a cliff. Those relationships are short-lived and I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for that. I guess I just needed this creep to ask me why I was single to remind me that I have a very good reason for it: I have standards, and I haven't met a man that has met them yet.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Dream a Little Dream
I woke up this morning with a feeling of emptiness. There was a sadness so deep inside of me that I didn't know how to fix it.
How can a dream affect our heart so vividly when our brain has no recollection? Don't the two usually go hand-in-hand. It seems that in my life, when I have been the most emotionally damaged, it is because I am constantly milling over the details. My heart is broken in two because my mind won't let my heart heal.
My students greeted me in the hallway, other children smiled and gave me their warm hugs on the way to the cafeteria, as always. It helped. I smiled. Then as they walked away, my brief feeling of joy floated away with them.
But, the moment that I was alone, that darkness crept in like a drifting fog. It covered every crevice, every thought in my mind. It was paralyzing. I couldn't see past it. And then, just when I thought I saw a clearing in the thickening fog, I realized it was even darker patches, darker emotions. All of a sudden, Dad popped into my mind. He always seems to appear when I can't handle any more and then I start to stumble backwards. It's as if I want to walk away, turn around, hide from him. I can't see him, I don't want to see him, I can't take any more hurt.
ANYWAY, I sat in silence for a little while longer with my memories of Dad; the memories in my mind were of our conversations, strangely. I think there was a reason for it. I remember him saying things like, "It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it", and "a mistake is only a mistake the first time you make it; then it becomes a choice", and "I don't give a rat's ass". That last one wasn't really important, I just really miss hearing him say it!
The point is, they were all things I really needed to hear. After those conversation "bits" flooded through my mind, those emotions just disappeared. It was almost as if my dream was locked away in some back closet in my brain and my dad had the key. And, boy, as soon as he unlocked it, that dream SHOT out of their like a "bat outta hell" (as my father used to say). P.S. My father didn't use a lot of profanity. It sure sounds like it from what I've said in the last two paragraphs, but he really didn't. He mostly said things like "Jiminy Cricket!" and "Doggone" instead, which always made me giggle.
It amazes me how much a dream (INTERRUPTION: see definition below)
And the worst part was, I didn't know where it came from.For the life of me, I couldn't recall anything from my dream. I didn't know who was in it. I didn't know what they said to me. I didn't know any details of what had happened. I didn't know why my heart was so broken. All I knew was that it was.
How can a dream affect our heart so vividly when our brain has no recollection? Don't the two usually go hand-in-hand. It seems that in my life, when I have been the most emotionally damaged, it is because I am constantly milling over the details. My heart is broken in two because my mind won't let my heart heal.
So what blade could have been so sharp that it could pierce my heart but not even graze my mind?!I went on with my morning. I took my shower, I dried my hair, I put on my makeup and got dressed for the day. My heart continued to beat, despite the feeling of shallowness in my chest. I drove to work, weaved through the traffic, and parked in my usual parking spot. But it was far from routine. The music that played had no meaning. It had no feeling. My heart continued to beat, though the music didn't change its rhythm as it usually does.
My students greeted me in the hallway, other children smiled and gave me their warm hugs on the way to the cafeteria, as always. It helped. I smiled. Then as they walked away, my brief feeling of joy floated away with them.
What was happening? How could a dream melt away my happiness? Where was my joy?I've heard that when you smile, you trick your brain into thinking you're happy. (Or some nonsense like that.) I don't know if it's true, but I told one of my students that the other day when he was having a really rough time and I thought, "Well, crap. I guess now I have to try it….". I put on my big girl smile and walked around all day. I laughed with everyone and talked with everyone like normal. I really was happy…when I was with people.
But, the moment that I was alone, that darkness crept in like a drifting fog. It covered every crevice, every thought in my mind. It was paralyzing. I couldn't see past it. And then, just when I thought I saw a clearing in the thickening fog, I realized it was even darker patches, darker emotions. All of a sudden, Dad popped into my mind. He always seems to appear when I can't handle any more and then I start to stumble backwards. It's as if I want to walk away, turn around, hide from him. I can't see him, I don't want to see him, I can't take any more hurt.
But maybe it's not that I can't handle any more; maybe it's that he's there to walk me out of the fog. He's there to grab my hand and lead me out. Not to push me back in.My dad was the one I talked to when things were hard, when I needed someone to lean on. It wasn't that my mother couldn't be there for me; my mother couldn't be there for me in the same way. My mom and my brother were similar; my dad and I were similar. It's an analogy (says the former-journalist-turned-teacher) :
Mom : Kyle :: Dad : Allison
ANYWAY, I sat in silence for a little while longer with my memories of Dad; the memories in my mind were of our conversations, strangely. I think there was a reason for it. I remember him saying things like, "It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it", and "a mistake is only a mistake the first time you make it; then it becomes a choice", and "I don't give a rat's ass". That last one wasn't really important, I just really miss hearing him say it!
The point is, they were all things I really needed to hear. After those conversation "bits" flooded through my mind, those emotions just disappeared. It was almost as if my dream was locked away in some back closet in my brain and my dad had the key. And, boy, as soon as he unlocked it, that dream SHOT out of their like a "bat outta hell" (as my father used to say). P.S. My father didn't use a lot of profanity. It sure sounds like it from what I've said in the last two paragraphs, but he really didn't. He mostly said things like "Jiminy Cricket!" and "Doggone" instead, which always made me giggle.
It amazes me how much a dream (INTERRUPTION: see definition below)
…as I was saying…It amazes me how much a dream, a vision, can affect our emotions. Something can happen in a dream with another person and we can wake up with legitimate anger toward them when nothing happened between us in real life! For us grudge holders that are working on letting things go, that is dangerous! But heartbreak is even more difficult. That's something that is hard to handle on a daily basis. How do you handle it when you don't know what broke your heart?
Well, there's one thing that can mend it no matter what broke it! I thank God for His mercy and grace and cling to it every day. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit." Psalm 147: 3-5
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Suicide Prevention Awareness
As Suicide Prevention Awareness Month comes to an end, I decided to take some time to reflect.
For those of you who know me, you know that his time of the year is especially hard for me. This year will be five years (pause for shock) since my father took his own life. Five years. Sometimes it seems like an eternity ago and sometimes it seems like just yesterday.
I don't think that it is ever okay to end your own life. Your life has a purpose. Unfortunately, sometimes your view is clouded and you are unable to see your purpose or you think you don't have one. Sometimes you think that you aren't loved. Sometimes you think that you are a burden on others' lives. Sometimes you think that you don't belong here and that you don't fit in. Or you think that you have screwed up so bad that there's no way you can fix things. Maybe you think that there's only one way out.
This is not the truth.
-You are loved. Even if you have no earthly family left, you have a heavenly Father that loves you more than I can begin to express to you. You have brothers and sisters in Christ that would extend a love to you that you can't imagine. Walk into a church. Ask for help. (Ask for help anywhere, not just a church. There are hotlines, websites, anonymous websites, etc.. A church is just a wonderful place to meet people who will extend a welcome hand.)
-You are not a burden on anyone. You are a blessing. My father thought that he was a burden on everyone because he was disabled. He had no idea how much of a blessing he was. He had no idea how many lives he touched each and every day. You have an impact on the people you meet.
-You do belong here. You do fit in. You have a purpose on this earth. None of us know what our purpose is and none of us know quite where we belong or what we are supposed to do just yet. We are all struggling to fit in. You are not alone.
Speaking as someone who was left behind, the daughter of someone who put a bullet in their own head because they thought they weren't worthy of being on this earth, when you take your life, you leave behind people who love you. They are left to grieve and mourn and to cry. And every year, when that day rolls back around, they remember what you did. They remember how you felt about yourself when you did it.
The hardest part about knowing that he took his own life is knowing that he was unhappy when he left. He didn't die peacefully in his sleep. He died scared, alone, sad. Feeling like he didn't belong.
The idea of anyone ever having to go through this breaks my heart. But this is where it becomes a good thing. This is where I can get involved. This is where I can jump in and use my experience to help others. No one should ever have to feel what my father felt. No one should have to go through what I went through. We can prevent these kinds of things from happening.
CUE THE MUSIC. **Suicide Prevention Awareness Month** END THE MUSIC
There are wonderful websites with information about how to notice warning signs of depression and suicide, how to prevent it, who to call, etc. If you ever notice anything, take action. There were red flags with my father and I didn't notice them. Granted, I was young and he had a lot of other issues going on in his life that could have contributed, but I didn't pay close enough attention. I don't blame myself, and you never should either, but when we work together, we can save lives and mend hearts.
Suicide hotline:
http://suicidehotlines.com/texas.html
Suicide information
http://www.save.org
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/
Danger signs of suicide:
http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewpage&page_id=705f4071-99a7-f3f5-e2a64a5a8beaadd8
For those of you who know me, you know that his time of the year is especially hard for me. This year will be five years (pause for shock) since my father took his own life. Five years. Sometimes it seems like an eternity ago and sometimes it seems like just yesterday.
I don't think that it is ever okay to end your own life. Your life has a purpose. Unfortunately, sometimes your view is clouded and you are unable to see your purpose or you think you don't have one. Sometimes you think that you aren't loved. Sometimes you think that you are a burden on others' lives. Sometimes you think that you don't belong here and that you don't fit in. Or you think that you have screwed up so bad that there's no way you can fix things. Maybe you think that there's only one way out.
This is not the truth.
-You are loved. Even if you have no earthly family left, you have a heavenly Father that loves you more than I can begin to express to you. You have brothers and sisters in Christ that would extend a love to you that you can't imagine. Walk into a church. Ask for help. (Ask for help anywhere, not just a church. There are hotlines, websites, anonymous websites, etc.. A church is just a wonderful place to meet people who will extend a welcome hand.)
-You are not a burden on anyone. You are a blessing. My father thought that he was a burden on everyone because he was disabled. He had no idea how much of a blessing he was. He had no idea how many lives he touched each and every day. You have an impact on the people you meet.
-You do belong here. You do fit in. You have a purpose on this earth. None of us know what our purpose is and none of us know quite where we belong or what we are supposed to do just yet. We are all struggling to fit in. You are not alone.
Speaking as someone who was left behind, the daughter of someone who put a bullet in their own head because they thought they weren't worthy of being on this earth, when you take your life, you leave behind people who love you. They are left to grieve and mourn and to cry. And every year, when that day rolls back around, they remember what you did. They remember how you felt about yourself when you did it.
The hardest part about knowing that he took his own life is knowing that he was unhappy when he left. He didn't die peacefully in his sleep. He died scared, alone, sad. Feeling like he didn't belong.
The idea of anyone ever having to go through this breaks my heart. But this is where it becomes a good thing. This is where I can get involved. This is where I can jump in and use my experience to help others. No one should ever have to feel what my father felt. No one should have to go through what I went through. We can prevent these kinds of things from happening.
CUE THE MUSIC. **Suicide Prevention Awareness Month** END THE MUSIC
There are wonderful websites with information about how to notice warning signs of depression and suicide, how to prevent it, who to call, etc. If you ever notice anything, take action. There were red flags with my father and I didn't notice them. Granted, I was young and he had a lot of other issues going on in his life that could have contributed, but I didn't pay close enough attention. I don't blame myself, and you never should either, but when we work together, we can save lives and mend hearts.
Suicide hotline:
http://suicidehotlines.com/texas.html
Suicide information
http://www.save.org
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/
Danger signs of suicide:
http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewpage&page_id=705f4071-99a7-f3f5-e2a64a5a8beaadd8
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
A whisper or a shout.
A lot of big changes have happened in my life over the last 5 years. I lost my father, graduated from high school, moved away from home, graduated from college, and faced many challenges in between each of these milestones. One things has remained constant, God's love for me. The times that I feel like I have nothing, he finds a way to remind me that I have everything. Sometimes it's a whisper in the dark and sometimes it's a shout! Tonight was a shout. As I was driving home, thinking about the many things that have been weighing so heavily on my heart, this song came on. I was reaching to change the station when I hit the volume and accidentally cranked it up. It was just what I needed. He is the positive in my world filled with negative. When I stumble, He helps me up. When I make mistakes, He forgives. When I question, He answers.
Forever Reign - Hillsong United
You are good, You are good
when there's nothing good in me.
You are love, You are love
on display for all to see.
You are light, You are light
when the darkness closes in.
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin.
"When there's nothing good in me."
There are times when I feel this way. I feel as though negativity is running through my veins. All the good things in my life seem so meaningless. Satan grabs ahold of me tight and doesn't let go. There is nothing good in me. Though people don't use those exact words, that is what I hear. I make mistake after mistake, bad decision after bad decision. I'm not good enough for that job, I'm not smart enough for that graduate program, I'm not trying hard enough to make things work with them. There is nothing good in me.
He is good, He is good.
"When the darkness closes in."
Sometimes my depression kicks me, hard. All my happiness quickly turns to sadness and the dreams fade to black. My aspirations disappear and my drive to succeed dwindles. My faith withers away and Satan's grip on me tightens. Darkness creeps into my body, into my mind, into my life. There is a small light at the end of this long tunnel that seems impossibly far away, though I know it's not.
He is light, He is light.
You are peace, You are peace
when my fear is crippling.
You are true, You are true
even in my wandering.
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing.
You are life, You are life
in You death has lost it's sting.
"When my fear is crippling."
My fear has always crippled me. I can ride a roller coaster that puts my stomach in knots or climb a ladder to reach the top of the warehouse and look down at the ground beneath me. I can even wade into the ocean and try to pretend there aren't any sharks around. But I can't face my fear of the unknown, of the future. I want to know where I'm going to live when my apartment contract ends in six months. I want to know how I'm going to make money when I leave this job. I want to know how this will work out and how that will work out. But life doesn't always work that way. I haven't gotten "the job", I haven't found "the place to live", I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with in a year...or six months...or two weeks. I have to remember that He does.
He is peace, He is peace.
"Even in my wandering."
This is something I have been so good at in my life. I wander. I think that I can get through it, I don't need help, I know what I'm doing. He reminds me of how ignorant that really is. There have been multiple times in my life where things or people have been removed from my life because I was putting them first. Freshman year of college, I had four people that I spent all of my time with. In one weekend, all of them left my life. It was their decision to walk away from me. I was so hurt and my life started to fall apart. I turned to God because I had nowhere else to go, and the pieces of my life slowly began to fall into place. I know now why they left: because God needed them to. It was a hard way to learn it, but He showed me which path I was on and which one I needed to be on. My downfall is that when I wander, I don't look back. I keep walking (holding onto my stubbornness) until God has to pull the earth out from under my feet and send me the right way. And every time, the emptiness fades and the wholeness returns.
He is true, He is true.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
You are more, You are more
than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord
all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here
in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God
of all else I'm letting go.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
My heart will sing
no other name,
Jesus, Jesus.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
********************************************
Sometimes it's a whisper and sometimes it's a shout. You won't hear either one if you aren't listening.
Forever Reign - Hillsong United
You are good, You are good
when there's nothing good in me.
You are love, You are love
on display for all to see.
You are light, You are light
when the darkness closes in.
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin.
"When there's nothing good in me."
There are times when I feel this way. I feel as though negativity is running through my veins. All the good things in my life seem so meaningless. Satan grabs ahold of me tight and doesn't let go. There is nothing good in me. Though people don't use those exact words, that is what I hear. I make mistake after mistake, bad decision after bad decision. I'm not good enough for that job, I'm not smart enough for that graduate program, I'm not trying hard enough to make things work with them. There is nothing good in me.
He is good, He is good.
"When the darkness closes in."
Sometimes my depression kicks me, hard. All my happiness quickly turns to sadness and the dreams fade to black. My aspirations disappear and my drive to succeed dwindles. My faith withers away and Satan's grip on me tightens. Darkness creeps into my body, into my mind, into my life. There is a small light at the end of this long tunnel that seems impossibly far away, though I know it's not.
He is light, He is light.
You are peace, You are peace
when my fear is crippling.
You are true, You are true
even in my wandering.
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing.
You are life, You are life
in You death has lost it's sting.
"When my fear is crippling."
My fear has always crippled me. I can ride a roller coaster that puts my stomach in knots or climb a ladder to reach the top of the warehouse and look down at the ground beneath me. I can even wade into the ocean and try to pretend there aren't any sharks around. But I can't face my fear of the unknown, of the future. I want to know where I'm going to live when my apartment contract ends in six months. I want to know how I'm going to make money when I leave this job. I want to know how this will work out and how that will work out. But life doesn't always work that way. I haven't gotten "the job", I haven't found "the place to live", I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with in a year...or six months...or two weeks. I have to remember that He does.
He is peace, He is peace.
"Even in my wandering."
This is something I have been so good at in my life. I wander. I think that I can get through it, I don't need help, I know what I'm doing. He reminds me of how ignorant that really is. There have been multiple times in my life where things or people have been removed from my life because I was putting them first. Freshman year of college, I had four people that I spent all of my time with. In one weekend, all of them left my life. It was their decision to walk away from me. I was so hurt and my life started to fall apart. I turned to God because I had nowhere else to go, and the pieces of my life slowly began to fall into place. I know now why they left: because God needed them to. It was a hard way to learn it, but He showed me which path I was on and which one I needed to be on. My downfall is that when I wander, I don't look back. I keep walking (holding onto my stubbornness) until God has to pull the earth out from under my feet and send me the right way. And every time, the emptiness fades and the wholeness returns.
He is true, He is true.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
You are more, You are more
than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord
all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here
in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God
of all else I'm letting go.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
My heart will sing
no other name,
Jesus, Jesus.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
********************************************
Sometimes it's a whisper and sometimes it's a shout. You won't hear either one if you aren't listening.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Another milestone
There are big moments in life that we, as humans, want to celebrate with others. Birthdays, graduations, weddings, having children, etc. Each of them is a turning point, whether large or small, that will change our lives in some way.
As I approach another milestone, my heart is heavy for those that are not here to celebrate with me. This will be my second graduation without my father by my side. I won't get his tight hug, I won't get the whisper in my ear that he loves me and is proud of me, I won't get to see the smile on his face when he tells me "I knew you could do it".
I know he is looking down on me and celebrating alongside his father, my dear Papa, who is at peace in heaven. I know they are proud and I know they are cheering me on. But nothing can replace the embrace of a father.
Dad always said "whatever you are, be a great one". I remember the first time he said it to me. I showed him my pictures and told him I wanted to be a photographer. I asked if he thought it was a good idea. Of course, being my father, he said "if you like it, I love it". It wasn't much of an answer, but Dad was good at answering questions without actually answering them. I continued to tell him about all the other things I was thinking about doing when I graduated high school. When I told him that I was just too confused, he said, "well I always say 'whatever you are, be a great one'. Well, actually Abe Lincoln said it, but I say it, too."
My father was more than a man who stole quotes from dead presidents. He was a supportive, loving, encouraging man who made sure that you knew he had confidence in you. Dad is no longer here, but he is a driving factor behind how I have gotten to this point. To this day, his words and his spirit continue to push me to be the best I can be. I am forever grateful to my hero.
My mother, too, has been a building block in my life. She has helped to support me financially, emotionally and even physically to this day. I can't count the number of times she drove to Denton in the middle of the night to get me when I was sick or in pain. I would not have been able to afford many of the luxuries I am blessed with if I hadn't had her financial support. And although she has pushed me to the edge of my sanity (as mothers are supposed to do), she has always pulled me back in and kept me going. She is strong, smart, encouraging, and loving and she always makes sure I know she has faith in me.
My sweet sister has been a lifeline. There were times when I truly didn't think I would make it to this point. Her sisterly advice always encouraged me and pushed me forward. Her home was a safe haven where I could escape from the stress of school. When I needed a "subject" for different assignments, she was available and willing to help. I can honestly say I wouldn't be walking across that stage on Friday night if I didn't have such a God-fearing, loving, supportive sister.
God has blessed me with an amazing support system. My roommates are a constant support at home, my friends are encouraging in my times of need (and even when I don't think I need it) and my family has never doubted what I am capable of. I never really had anyone tell me that they doubted my potential, but I suppose that's because I never [outwardly] doubted myself. I think my own doubt about my persistence and abilities was what pushed me the hardest. I did not want to let others down. It may be a character flaw, but it has gotten me here.
Thank you to everyone that has helped me through these four years. They have been stressful, relaxing, challenging, rewarding, emotional, eye-opening, and wonderful. I am grateful for you all.
As I approach another milestone, my heart is heavy for those that are not here to celebrate with me. This will be my second graduation without my father by my side. I won't get his tight hug, I won't get the whisper in my ear that he loves me and is proud of me, I won't get to see the smile on his face when he tells me "I knew you could do it".
I know he is looking down on me and celebrating alongside his father, my dear Papa, who is at peace in heaven. I know they are proud and I know they are cheering me on. But nothing can replace the embrace of a father.
Dad always said "whatever you are, be a great one". I remember the first time he said it to me. I showed him my pictures and told him I wanted to be a photographer. I asked if he thought it was a good idea. Of course, being my father, he said "if you like it, I love it". It wasn't much of an answer, but Dad was good at answering questions without actually answering them. I continued to tell him about all the other things I was thinking about doing when I graduated high school. When I told him that I was just too confused, he said, "well I always say 'whatever you are, be a great one'. Well, actually Abe Lincoln said it, but I say it, too."
My father was more than a man who stole quotes from dead presidents. He was a supportive, loving, encouraging man who made sure that you knew he had confidence in you. Dad is no longer here, but he is a driving factor behind how I have gotten to this point. To this day, his words and his spirit continue to push me to be the best I can be. I am forever grateful to my hero.
My mother, too, has been a building block in my life. She has helped to support me financially, emotionally and even physically to this day. I can't count the number of times she drove to Denton in the middle of the night to get me when I was sick or in pain. I would not have been able to afford many of the luxuries I am blessed with if I hadn't had her financial support. And although she has pushed me to the edge of my sanity (as mothers are supposed to do), she has always pulled me back in and kept me going. She is strong, smart, encouraging, and loving and she always makes sure I know she has faith in me.
My sweet sister has been a lifeline. There were times when I truly didn't think I would make it to this point. Her sisterly advice always encouraged me and pushed me forward. Her home was a safe haven where I could escape from the stress of school. When I needed a "subject" for different assignments, she was available and willing to help. I can honestly say I wouldn't be walking across that stage on Friday night if I didn't have such a God-fearing, loving, supportive sister.
God has blessed me with an amazing support system. My roommates are a constant support at home, my friends are encouraging in my times of need (and even when I don't think I need it) and my family has never doubted what I am capable of. I never really had anyone tell me that they doubted my potential, but I suppose that's because I never [outwardly] doubted myself. I think my own doubt about my persistence and abilities was what pushed me the hardest. I did not want to let others down. It may be a character flaw, but it has gotten me here.
Thank you to everyone that has helped me through these four years. They have been stressful, relaxing, challenging, rewarding, emotional, eye-opening, and wonderful. I am grateful for you all.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
How do you frame your art?
Picture frames. Framed mirrors. Framed wall art. Framed glasses. Simple frames. These frames outline the beautiful images they hold.
Decorative frames. These are the frames around pieces of glass that act as a piece of art themselves. What is inside does not matter, the beauty is on the outside.
So what is your frame like? Is your frame beautiful on the outside with nothing to see on the inside, or does your frame outline the beautiful piece of art that God made you to be?
1 Corinthians 6:20 says to honor God with your body. This is where the argument about hypocritical Christians who drink and get tattoos usually begins. This is not the argument. Enjoying a drink and indulging in drunkenness are two separate things. Getting [appropriate] tattoos is not wrecking your temple. You want your body to be a place that represents God because "you yourselves are God's temple and ... God's Spirit lives in you" (1 Cor 3:16).
Is your frame beautiful? Does it accent the beautiful work God has done in you? When people see you, hear you, talk to you, do they see an empty, decorative (tan, slender, nicely dressed) frame? Or do they see a frame surrounding the beautiful Spirit God has placed in you?
I know pieces of my frame are chipped. Chunks have fallen off in the past. But the only thing that can fix it is my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He often reminds us in the strangest ways. Make sure your priorities lie not in perfecting your earthly beauty, but in drawing out the beauty God has given you.
Decorative frames. These are the frames around pieces of glass that act as a piece of art themselves. What is inside does not matter, the beauty is on the outside.
So what is your frame like? Is your frame beautiful on the outside with nothing to see on the inside, or does your frame outline the beautiful piece of art that God made you to be?
"God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27Every wrinkle, every dimple, every freckle is a brush stroke. Your smile, your laugh, the twinkle in your eyes. Your caring heart, your thoughtful mind and your playful spirit are all a part of you, you are a piece of art. But the most beautiful part of you, the part that the frame should merely highlight, is your Godly spirit.
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4It is important to take care of your body. But not for the purpose of looking good in a bikini or selling underwear to people who lust after your image. You take care of your body because it is the temple for your spirit (God's spirit within you).
1 Corinthians 6:20 says to honor God with your body. This is where the argument about hypocritical Christians who drink and get tattoos usually begins. This is not the argument. Enjoying a drink and indulging in drunkenness are two separate things. Getting [appropriate] tattoos is not wrecking your temple. You want your body to be a place that represents God because "you yourselves are God's temple and ... God's Spirit lives in you" (1 Cor 3:16).
Is your frame beautiful? Does it accent the beautiful work God has done in you? When people see you, hear you, talk to you, do they see an empty, decorative (tan, slender, nicely dressed) frame? Or do they see a frame surrounding the beautiful Spirit God has placed in you?
I know pieces of my frame are chipped. Chunks have fallen off in the past. But the only thing that can fix it is my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He often reminds us in the strangest ways. Make sure your priorities lie not in perfecting your earthly beauty, but in drawing out the beauty God has given you.
"We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom. so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ." Colossians 1:28
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Having brothers taught me not to date.
Growing up, I was never the girl who "needed" a guy. I think a lot of it was because I grew up around my brothers and all of their friends. My father was a great man who showed me love and I didn't need to seek it out from anyone else. I didn't date when I was in school. Sure I had the teenage crushes, but when it came down to it, I was the girl who would rather hang out with my friends and my family than dress up and go out on a date. For those of you who know me, you know how awkward and carefree I am. It wasn't much better in high school. Growing up around all the testosterone meant I knew what they were like and how their brains worked and I wasn't interested in having a relationship with something like that.
I thought, "I'll wait until I'm older and the guys have grown up".
Then I became older and realized....the guys NEVER grow up.
The following apply to some/most men (including but not limited to my brothers and/or guys I have dated):
They still would rather play video games and watch football than do most other things.
They still want to go out with the boys and have a good time.
They still laugh at the words "poop" and "fart".
They still (genuinely) forget to call you.
They still think it's funny to tell a woman to "get in the kitchen".
They still want to blow things up in the backyard.
They still want to shoot things.
They still like cartoons and cereal.
They still pick their noses and (although some don't admit it) they flick the boogers.
They still wish they were a superhero.
They still wear footie pajamas. (Yes, I dated one of them...)
They still have loyalty to their mothers.
They still think it's funny to fart in the car and lock the windows so that you breathe in their death fumes. (My "hilarious" bothers.)
They still want bigger, badder, louder cars.
They still couldn't survive without a woman, whether it's their mother or a wife.
They still think if something looks or smells disgusting that they should share it with EVERYONE. And that it's hilarious.
Men are just really tall little boys. Their maturity levels are about the same, their sense of humor is about the same, their attention span is about the same. Hopefully, if you've found a good one, his income is higher, his IQ is higher and his ability to function in social situations has improved.
I see all my friends getting engaged, getting married and having kids. On one hand, GOOD FOR YOU GUYS. You get to change poopy diapers and do your spouses' taxes while I get to go out on the weekends and have poop-free (usually) fun with my friends.
But on the other hand, I'm getting to that age where it doesn't sound so bad.
**Getting to come home to your best friend and talk about your day...while I slave in the kitchen make him dinner and he watches COPS or whatever he watches on the couch with one hand in his pants and the other filled with a beer can. (Sounds a bit like Al Bundy. Maybe I watched this too much with Daddy.)
**Getting to celebrate the holidays twice; once with his loving family welcoming me and once with mine welcoming him.
**Having that connection with someone that is so strong, they know what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. If it's bad, they make it good. If it's good they make it better.
**Waking up next to someone that I love so much, I can't put it into words; someone who loves me so much, I can't help but feel it.
**Knowing that God made this person just for me. He made someone to complete me, to make every part of me perfect and complete.
**Having two incomes to support my lavish lifestyle. Yeah...right. That one was just to see if you're still paying attention.
I look forward to meeting this person one day. I know God has it in His plans. Sometimes I just wish I could peek at the plans so I could dress up and actually put some effort into my appearance on the right day...and completely ignore my appearance on all other days. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. So for now, I'll do my hair and makeup. Dang.
I thought, "I'll wait until I'm older and the guys have grown up".
Then I became older and realized....the guys NEVER grow up.
The following apply to some/most men (including but not limited to my brothers and/or guys I have dated):
They still would rather play video games and watch football than do most other things.
They still want to go out with the boys and have a good time.
They still laugh at the words "poop" and "fart".
They still (genuinely) forget to call you.
They still think it's funny to tell a woman to "get in the kitchen".
They still want to blow things up in the backyard.
They still want to shoot things.
They still like cartoons and cereal.
They still pick their noses and (although some don't admit it) they flick the boogers.
They still wish they were a superhero.
They still wear footie pajamas. (Yes, I dated one of them...)
They still have loyalty to their mothers.
They still think it's funny to fart in the car and lock the windows so that you breathe in their death fumes. (My "hilarious" bothers.)
They still want bigger, badder, louder cars.
They still couldn't survive without a woman, whether it's their mother or a wife.
They still think if something looks or smells disgusting that they should share it with EVERYONE. And that it's hilarious.
"DUDE, Bill, you've gotta come smell this!" ** "..*Sniff sniff* That's disgusting. It smells terrible. JACK, come smell this!" ** "..*Sniff sniff* Gross. Let's go tell Emily to smell it. This will be funny." ...Emily didn't find it funny, in case you were wondering how this scenario ended.
Men are just really tall little boys. Their maturity levels are about the same, their sense of humor is about the same, their attention span is about the same. Hopefully, if you've found a good one, his income is higher, his IQ is higher and his ability to function in social situations has improved.
I see all my friends getting engaged, getting married and having kids. On one hand, GOOD FOR YOU GUYS. You get to change poopy diapers and do your spouses' taxes while I get to go out on the weekends and have poop-free (usually) fun with my friends.
**I'm just kidding about the usually part. Poop is never involved in our fun. Except the one time we lit some on fire on that mean guy's porch. Just kidding, Mom. That never happened....**
But on the other hand, I'm getting to that age where it doesn't sound so bad.
**Getting to come home to your best friend and talk about your day...while I slave in the kitchen make him dinner and he watches COPS or whatever he watches on the couch with one hand in his pants and the other filled with a beer can. (Sounds a bit like Al Bundy. Maybe I watched this too much with Daddy.)
**Getting to celebrate the holidays twice; once with his loving family welcoming me and once with mine welcoming him.
**Having that connection with someone that is so strong, they know what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. If it's bad, they make it good. If it's good they make it better.
**Waking up next to someone that I love so much, I can't put it into words; someone who loves me so much, I can't help but feel it.
**Knowing that God made this person just for me. He made someone to complete me, to make every part of me perfect and complete.
**Having two incomes to support my lavish lifestyle. Yeah...right. That one was just to see if you're still paying attention.
I look forward to meeting this person one day. I know God has it in His plans. Sometimes I just wish I could peek at the plans so I could dress up and actually put some effort into my appearance on the right day...and completely ignore my appearance on all other days. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. So for now, I'll do my hair and makeup. Dang.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
How to think.
Yesterday, an interesting man gave me a tidbit of knowledge; a seed, if you will. I have been chewing and chewing and chewing. Now it's time for me to spit it out at you. Yes, I realize that was a gross metaphor, but if you found that to be too vulgar, stay tuned for a future post: "How to loosen up".
He posed the following idea:
Deep. It made the gears in my brain start turning. But then I was confused because I was thinking about what he said, and what it meant, and the meaning of the universe. Should I raise my hand and tell him he's wrong because I'm actually thinking right now? But then he might start asking questions and I don't want to have to answer spontaneous questions. Wait a second...I'm thinking some more now!! At this point, I was completely confused.
He continued on with some other thought-provoking ideas and all the while, my little brain was on rapid mode. This has been echoing in my head ever since. Was he correct? Have I not learned how to think?
Here's what I have come up with.
I actually have learned how to think. I don't accept things as the truth unless I have found them to be true in my own life. (Insert rant about people who accept their parent's beliefs and ideas as their own.) It was the way I was raised. Challenge, question and understand life.
Air: I can't see air, but I can feel it. When the wind blows, my hair moves and the leaves rustle. I can hear it. Air does exist and I accept that as the truth.
Love: Well, let's be honest here. I'm single. I'm sitting at my computer alone in sweat pants and a ponytail. I can't preach about love. However, the love I have for my family and my friends is something I understand. It's something I feel. I feel it when I give love and I feel it when I receive love. I accept love as a truth. (Love at first sight...eh, we'll save that for another post.)
Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that, after careful thought, I've come to the conclusion that I do know how to think. I don't accept the things that are thrown at me to be the truth unless I have evidence to support it. But I was intrigued when the idea was thrown out to me.
So, here's a seed for you: Are you a true thinker?
He posed the following idea:
We were all born to this earth. We are all composed of matter. We are a walking example of biology. We studied biology in school. We are constantly surrounded with biological ideas. So how many of you consider yourself to be a biologist?I hate science. I definitely didn't raise my hand. Neither did the folks around me. He continued:
We were all born to this earth. We were taught physics in school. If we trip, we fall to the ground: gravity. If we bounce a ball off of the wall, it comes back to us: ...some other physics principle. So how many of you consider yourself to be a physicist?Still hate science. Again, didn't even consider raising my hand. He proceeded:
We were all born to this earth. We all have a brain in our heads. We use that brain to think. We think about our day, we think when we're learning, we think about our friends and family, we think about what to cook for dinner, although we usually end up ordering pizza. How many of you consider yourself to be a thinker?This was my chance! I could finally raise my hand. I think all the time. When I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep, I always have the most profound thoughts. Unfortunately, I never seem to remember those. But, I'm a thinker nonetheless. He looked around the room to see every hand in the air. Then he spoke:
No you aren't. Just because you are surrounded by thoughts doesn't mean you are a thinker. Just like being surrounded by biology and physics doesn't make you a biologist or physicist. All our lives, we have been taught what to think, not how to think.
Deep. It made the gears in my brain start turning. But then I was confused because I was thinking about what he said, and what it meant, and the meaning of the universe. Should I raise my hand and tell him he's wrong because I'm actually thinking right now? But then he might start asking questions and I don't want to have to answer spontaneous questions. Wait a second...I'm thinking some more now!! At this point, I was completely confused.
He continued on with some other thought-provoking ideas and all the while, my little brain was on rapid mode. This has been echoing in my head ever since. Was he correct? Have I not learned how to think?
Here's what I have come up with.
I actually have learned how to think. I don't accept things as the truth unless I have found them to be true in my own life. (Insert rant about people who accept their parent's beliefs and ideas as their own.) It was the way I was raised. Challenge, question and understand life.
Side note: All of my journalism schooling has been incredibly helpful. Give me a computer and I can get all of the information I need. I am an expert Googler as well. Journalists are pretty much glorified stalkers, to be honest. But I'll take that over a desk job any day!Gravity: If I trip, I will fall. (Let's be realistic here: for me, it's when, not IF.) When I roll off the bed in the middle of the night, I will end up straight down on the floor. I accept the theory of gravity as the truth.
Air: I can't see air, but I can feel it. When the wind blows, my hair moves and the leaves rustle. I can hear it. Air does exist and I accept that as the truth.
Love: Well, let's be honest here. I'm single. I'm sitting at my computer alone in sweat pants and a ponytail. I can't preach about love. However, the love I have for my family and my friends is something I understand. It's something I feel. I feel it when I give love and I feel it when I receive love. I accept love as a truth. (Love at first sight...eh, we'll save that for another post.)
Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that, after careful thought, I've come to the conclusion that I do know how to think. I don't accept the things that are thrown at me to be the truth unless I have evidence to support it. But I was intrigued when the idea was thrown out to me.
So, here's a seed for you: Are you a true thinker?
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
A little bit of thanks.
I am thankful for so many things. And not just on Thanksgiving day, but year-round. I live a pretty good life filled with many blessings.
There is just something about this day that floods my body with emotions. Memories rush through my mind, like a glimpse of time replaying for a quick smile. My heart is warmed by the reminders of love given by my friends and family.
I am thankful for many little things: my headphones when I'm on the bus with obnoxious passengers; my sleeping pills on those restless nights; my otterbox because we all know how clumsy I am; DVR, Pandora, price scanners, the chipotle app..the list goes on and on. But let's get a little serious for a few minutes.
At the times in my life where I have felt so low, so lost, so deeply confused and hurt, my family and my friends (my TRUE friends) and even my numerous roommates have been by my side. I am thankful for them.
When I felt like no one understood what I was thinking or what I was feeling, my sister was there. She doesn't judge me, she doesn't tell me I'm right or wrong: she listens and opens her heart to my words. I'm thankful for her.
When I have a terribly inappropriate joke or a secret, or a piece or overly intimate information that I need to share, Katie listens. And usually responds with something witty or a simple "this is why we're friends". I'm so thankful for her.
I would give anything in the world to have my father back with me on this earth, to walk through life with me and to share my memories. However, that is but a dream. Though I miss him terribly, I have grown so much and learned so much through this experience. I have touched others' lives in ways I never could have before. I have learned so much about myself and my relationships with others. I have heard his words echo through my mind for the last four years and I know they will continue to resonate for the rest of my life. I am thankful for everything my dad has given me and continues to give to me.
I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. I am thankful that I never have to question where I will lay my head, where I will find my next meal or how I will make it to tomorrow.
I have been forgiven. I have been saved. No matter the mistakes I make, He will always love me unconditionally. I am thankful for my God.
I am thankful for every experience I have had in my life, both good and bad. I am thankful for the heartbreaks that have helped me to learn about myself. I am thankful for the mistakes I have made and the lessons I have learned from them. I am thankful that I have the capability of always trying to find the silver lining.
Thanksgiving is a time to spend with the ones you love and to remember that they love you. Be thankful for what you have and know that you always have what you need in Christ. Enjoy your holiday, friends!
There is just something about this day that floods my body with emotions. Memories rush through my mind, like a glimpse of time replaying for a quick smile. My heart is warmed by the reminders of love given by my friends and family.
I am thankful for many little things: my headphones when I'm on the bus with obnoxious passengers; my sleeping pills on those restless nights; my otterbox because we all know how clumsy I am; DVR, Pandora, price scanners, the chipotle app..the list goes on and on. But let's get a little serious for a few minutes.
At the times in my life where I have felt so low, so lost, so deeply confused and hurt, my family and my friends (my TRUE friends) and even my numerous roommates have been by my side. I am thankful for them.
When I felt like no one understood what I was thinking or what I was feeling, my sister was there. She doesn't judge me, she doesn't tell me I'm right or wrong: she listens and opens her heart to my words. I'm thankful for her.
When I have a terribly inappropriate joke or a secret, or a piece or overly intimate information that I need to share, Katie listens. And usually responds with something witty or a simple "this is why we're friends". I'm so thankful for her.
I would give anything in the world to have my father back with me on this earth, to walk through life with me and to share my memories. However, that is but a dream. Though I miss him terribly, I have grown so much and learned so much through this experience. I have touched others' lives in ways I never could have before. I have learned so much about myself and my relationships with others. I have heard his words echo through my mind for the last four years and I know they will continue to resonate for the rest of my life. I am thankful for everything my dad has given me and continues to give to me.
I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. I am thankful that I never have to question where I will lay my head, where I will find my next meal or how I will make it to tomorrow.
I have been forgiven. I have been saved. No matter the mistakes I make, He will always love me unconditionally. I am thankful for my God.
I am thankful for every experience I have had in my life, both good and bad. I am thankful for the heartbreaks that have helped me to learn about myself. I am thankful for the mistakes I have made and the lessons I have learned from them. I am thankful that I have the capability of always trying to find the silver lining.
Thanksgiving is a time to spend with the ones you love and to remember that they love you. Be thankful for what you have and know that you always have what you need in Christ. Enjoy your holiday, friends!
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