Why are you single?

So, I got asked this annoying question again the other day: "Why are you single?"

First of all, he was a creep. And he said it in a very creepy, suggestive way. So I grabbed my $10 engagement ring out of my pocket and nonchalantly slipped it on my finger and told him "I'm not" as I continued to lift my drink with my ring finger conveniently placed in the front. But as he walked away, I really began to think about the answer.

The answer is simple. I have standards. People say that if you have low expectations, you won't be disappointed. And yes, this can be true. But in regards to relationships, I look at this very differently.

I was taught to have very high expectations of a man; Daddy said I deserve the best. Daddy was right. I have had incredible marriages modeled for me in my life: my grandparents, my sister and her husband, my mother and father. I have watched them love, I have watched them bend but not break, I have watched them grow, I have watched them worship. I have been fortunate enough to see loving marriages flourish in front of me. I have high standards when it comes to what I want in a life partner, a husband, a father to my children.

You see, if you set your expectations low, you will absolutely be disappointed. You will settle for someone that is not worthy of you. You deserve the absolute best. You deserve someone who loves all of you, forever. You deserve someone who knows your flaws and loves you because of them. You deserve someone who knows your weakness and builds you up when you're facing them. When you set your expectations low, you do not get that.

When you allow yourself to be with someone who simply meets your lowest standards, you may receive instant satisfaction in those shallow relationships. Perhaps that's why you settle for them. They bring you a sense of hope [though it's false hope]. But eventually that hope fades away and you are faced with another disappointment. No matter how big or how small, those disappointments will wear on your heart. One after another, they chip away at your heart; little pieces begin to fall. When that man, the one who loves everything about you, every part of you, every flaw, comes along, your shattered heart will be there unable to mend itself. It will be expecting the same thing, waiting for another piece to be torn away.

BUT when you allow yourself to only be with those who exceed your highest expectations, you will receive long-lasting satisfaction. Yes, you will face many, many disappointments and a lot of heartache. But is it not worth having life-long satisfaction with someone who loves you and supports you?

It's like a diet: Hello, coming from me, this is a huge analogy. I hate diets. They are so hard to stick to. But when you want to accomplish something, really accomplish something, you do it! You're down 30 lbs. You only have to lose 5 more to reach your goal. Do you eat the chocolate cake or do you suck it up and eat some fat-free yogurt and go for a walk with your dog?! YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT FOR YOUR DIET. DON'T RUIN IT NOW!

Do you settle for the really cute guy with the mediocre job that compliments you on your eyes and smile, but only texts you a few days a week and has other girls posting all over his Facebook? Or do you wait for the one who actively pursues you and shows you with his actions and his words that he is worthy of you, he is someone who deserves you? And equally that you deserve him?

I say this all to "you", though I'm also speaking for myself. This is something I have been struggling with for the last few years. I settle. It's not for very long, because I receive a little (although, usually not so little) reminder from the man upstairs. Sometimes, it takes a nudge; sometimes it takes a shove- off a cliff. Those relationships are short-lived and I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for that. I guess I just needed this creep to ask me why I was single to remind me that I have a very good reason for it:  I have standards, and I haven't met a man that has met them yet.

Dream a Little Dream

I woke up this morning with a feeling of emptiness. There was a sadness so deep inside of me that I didn't know how to fix it. 

And the worst part was, I didn't know where it came from. 

For the life of me, I couldn't recall anything from my dream. I didn't know who was in it. I didn't know what they said to me. I didn't know any details of what had happened. I didn't know why my heart was so broken. All I knew was that it was.

How can a dream affect our heart so vividly when our brain has no recollection? Don't the two usually go hand-in-hand. It seems that in my life, when I have been the most emotionally damaged, it is because I am constantly milling over the details. My heart is broken in two because my mind won't let my heart heal.

So what blade could have been so sharp that it could pierce my heart but not even graze my mind?!

I went on with my morning. I took my shower, I dried my hair, I put on my makeup and got dressed for the day. My heart continued to beat, despite the feeling of shallowness in my chest. I drove to work, weaved through the traffic, and parked in my usual parking spot. But it was far from routine. The music that played had no meaning. It had no feeling. My heart continued to beat, though the music didn't change its rhythm as it usually does. 

My students greeted me in the hallway, other children smiled and gave me their warm hugs on the way to the cafeteria, as always. It helped. I smiled. Then as they walked away, my brief feeling of joy floated away with them. 

What was happening? How could a dream melt away my happiness? Where was my joy?

I've heard that when you smile, you trick your brain into thinking you're happy. (Or some nonsense like that.) I don't know if it's true, but I told one of my students that the other day when he was having a really rough time and I thought, "Well, crap. I guess now I have to try it….". I put on my big girl smile and walked around all day. I laughed with everyone and talked with everyone like normal. I really was happy…when I was with people.

But, the moment that I was alone, that darkness crept in like a drifting fog. It covered every crevice, every thought in my mind. It was paralyzing. I couldn't see past it. And then, just when I thought I saw a clearing in the thickening fog, I realized it was even darker patches, darker emotions. All of a sudden, Dad popped into my mind. He always seems to appear when I can't handle any more and then I start to stumble backwards. It's as if I want to walk away, turn around, hide from him. I can't see him, I don't want to see him, I can't take any more hurt.

But maybe it's not that I can't handle any more; maybe it's that he's there to walk me out of the fog. He's there to grab my hand and lead me out. Not to push me back in.

My dad was the one I talked to when things were hard, when I needed someone to lean on. It wasn't that my mother couldn't be there for me; my mother couldn't be there for me in the same way. My mom and my brother were similar; my dad and I were similar. It's an analogy (says the former-journalist-turned-teacher) :

Mom : Kyle :: Dad : Allison

ANYWAY, I sat in silence for a little while longer with my memories of Dad; the memories in my mind were of our conversations, strangely. I think there was a reason for it. I remember him saying things like, "It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it", and "a mistake is only a mistake the first time you make it; then it becomes a choice", and "I don't give a rat's ass". That last one wasn't really important, I just really miss hearing him say it!

The point is, they were all things I really needed to hear. After those conversation "bits" flooded through my mind, those emotions just disappeared. It was almost as if my dream was locked away in some back closet in my brain and my dad had the key. And, boy, as soon as he unlocked it, that dream SHOT out of their like a "bat outta hell" (as my father used to say). P.S. My father didn't use a lot of profanity. It sure sounds like it from what I've said in the last two paragraphs, but he really didn't. He mostly said things like "Jiminy Cricket!" and "Doggone" instead, which always made me giggle. 

It amazes me how much a dream (INTERRUPTION: see definition below)

…as I was saying…It amazes me how much a dream, a vision, can affect our emotions. Something can happen in a dream with another person and we can wake up with legitimate anger toward them when nothing happened between us in real life! For us grudge holders that are working on letting things go, that is dangerous! But heartbreak is even more difficult. That's something that is hard to handle on a daily basis. How do you handle it when you don't know what broke your heart?

Well, there's one thing that can mend it no matter what broke it! I thank God for His mercy and grace and cling to it every day. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit." Psalm 147: 3-5

Suicide Prevention Awareness

As Suicide Prevention Awareness Month comes to an end, I decided to take some time to reflect.

For those of you who know me, you know that his time of the year is especially hard for me. This year will be five years (pause for shock) since my father took his own life. Five years. Sometimes it seems like an eternity ago and sometimes it seems like just yesterday.

I don't think that it is ever okay to end your own life. Your life has a purpose. Unfortunately, sometimes  your view is clouded and you are unable to see your purpose or you think you don't have one. Sometimes you think that you aren't loved. Sometimes you think that you are a burden on others' lives. Sometimes you think that you don't belong here and that you don't fit in. Or you think that you have screwed up so bad that there's no way you can fix things. Maybe you think that there's only one way out.

This is not the truth.

-You are loved. Even if you have no earthly family left, you have a heavenly Father that loves you more than I can begin to express to you. You have brothers and sisters in Christ that would extend a love to you that you can't imagine. Walk into a church. Ask for help. (Ask for help anywhere, not just a church. There are hotlines, websites, anonymous websites, etc.. A church is just a wonderful place to meet people who will extend a welcome hand.)

-You are not a burden on anyone. You are a blessing. My father thought that he was a burden on everyone because he was disabled. He had no idea how much of a blessing he was. He had no idea how many lives he touched each and every day. You have an impact on the people you meet.

-You do belong here. You do fit in. You have a purpose on this earth. None of us know what our purpose is and none of us know quite where we belong or what we are supposed to do just yet. We are all struggling to fit in. You are not alone.

Speaking as someone who was left behind, the daughter of someone who put a bullet in their own head because they thought they weren't worthy of being on this earth, when you take your life, you leave behind people who love you. They are left to grieve and mourn and to cry. And every year, when that day rolls back around, they remember what you did. They remember how you felt about yourself when you did it.

The hardest part about knowing that he took his own life is knowing that he was unhappy when he left. He didn't die peacefully in his sleep. He died scared, alone, sad. Feeling like he didn't belong.

The idea of anyone ever having to go through this breaks my heart. But this is where it becomes a good thing. This is where I can get involved. This is where I can jump in and use my experience to help others. No one should ever have to feel what my father felt. No one should have to go through what I went through. We can prevent these kinds of things from happening.

CUE THE MUSIC. **Suicide Prevention Awareness Month** END THE MUSIC

There are wonderful websites with information about how to notice warning signs of depression and suicide, how to prevent it, who to call, etc. If you ever notice anything, take action. There were red flags with my father and I didn't notice them. Granted, I was young and he had a lot of other issues going on in his life that could have contributed, but I didn't pay close enough attention. I don't blame myself, and you never should either, but when we work together, we can save lives and mend hearts.

Suicide hotline:
http://suicidehotlines.com/texas.html

Suicide information
http://www.save.org

http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/

Danger signs of suicide:
http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewpage&page_id=705f4071-99a7-f3f5-e2a64a5a8beaadd8

A whisper or a shout.

A lot of big changes have happened in my life over the last 5 years. I lost my father, graduated from high school, moved away from home, graduated from college, and faced many challenges in between each of these milestones. One things has remained constant, God's love for me. The times that I feel like I have nothing, he finds a way to remind me that I have everything. Sometimes it's a whisper in the dark and sometimes it's a shout! Tonight was a shout. As I was driving home, thinking about the many things that have been weighing so heavily on my heart, this song came on. I was reaching to change the station when I hit the volume and accidentally cranked it up. It was just what I needed. He is the positive in my world filled with negative. When I stumble, He helps me up. When I make mistakes, He forgives. When I question, He answers.

Forever Reign - Hillsong United

You are good, You are good
when there's nothing good in me.
You are love, You are love
on display for all to see.
You are light, You are light
when the darkness closes in.
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin.

"When there's nothing good in me."
There are times when I feel this way. I feel as though negativity is running through my veins. All the good things in my life seem so meaningless. Satan grabs ahold of me tight and doesn't let go. There is nothing good in me. Though people don't use those exact words, that is what I hear. I make mistake after mistake, bad decision after bad decision. I'm not good enough for that job, I'm not smart enough for that graduate program, I'm not trying hard enough to make things work with them. There is nothing good in me.
He is good, He is good.

"When the darkness closes in."
Sometimes my depression kicks me, hard. All my happiness quickly turns to sadness and the dreams fade to black. My aspirations disappear and my drive to succeed dwindles. My faith withers away and Satan's grip on me tightens. Darkness creeps into my body, into my mind, into my life. There is a small light at the end of this long tunnel that seems impossibly far away, though I know it's not.
He is light, He is light.

You are peace, You are peace
when my fear is crippling.
You are true, You are true
even in my wandering.
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing.
You are life, You are life
in You death has lost it's sting.

"When my fear is crippling."
My fear has always crippled me. I can ride a roller coaster that puts my stomach in knots or climb a ladder to reach the top of the warehouse and look down at the ground beneath me. I can even wade into the ocean and try to pretend there aren't any sharks around. But I can't face my fear of the unknown, of the future. I want to know where I'm going to live when my apartment contract ends in six months. I want to know how I'm going to make money when I leave this job. I want to know how this will work out and how that will work out. But life doesn't always work that way. I haven't gotten "the job", I haven't found "the place to live", I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with in a year...or six months...or two weeks. I have to remember that He does.
He is peace, He is peace.

"Even in my wandering."
This is something I have been so good at in my life. I wander. I think that I can get through it, I don't need help, I know what I'm doing. He reminds me of how ignorant that really is. There have been multiple times in my life where things or people have been removed from my life because I was putting them first. Freshman year of college, I had four people that I spent all of my time with. In one weekend, all of them left my life. It was their decision to walk away from me. I was so hurt and my life started to fall apart. I turned to God because I had nowhere else to go, and the pieces of my life slowly began to fall into place. I know now why they left: because God needed them to. It was a hard way to learn it, but He showed me which path I was on and which one I needed to be on. My downfall is that when I wander, I don't look back. I keep walking (holding onto my stubbornness) until God has to pull the earth out from under my feet and send me the right way. And every time, the emptiness fades and the wholeness returns.
He is true, He is true.

Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

You are more, You are more
than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord
all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here
in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God
of all else I'm letting go.


Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

My heart will sing
no other name,
Jesus, Jesus.


Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

********************************************

Sometimes it's a whisper and sometimes it's a shout. You won't hear either one if you aren't listening. 

Another milestone

There are big moments in life that we, as humans, want to celebrate with others. Birthdays, graduations, weddings, having children, etc. Each of them is a turning point, whether large or small, that will change our lives in some way.

As I approach another milestone, my heart is heavy for those that are not here to celebrate with me. This will be my second graduation without my father by my side. I won't get his tight hug, I won't get the whisper in my ear that he loves me and is proud of me, I won't get to see the smile on his face when he tells me "I knew you could do it".

I know he is looking down on me and celebrating alongside his father, my dear Papa, who is at peace in heaven. I know they are proud and I know they are cheering me on. But nothing can replace the embrace of a father.

Dad always said "whatever you are, be a great one". I remember the first time he said it to me. I showed him my pictures and told him I wanted to be a photographer. I asked if he thought it was a good idea. Of course, being my father, he said "if you like it, I love it". It wasn't much of an answer, but Dad was good at answering questions without actually answering them. I continued to tell him about all the other things I was thinking about doing when I graduated high school. When I told him that I was just too confused, he said, "well I always say 'whatever you are, be a great one'. Well, actually Abe Lincoln said it, but I say it, too."

My father was more than a man who stole quotes from dead presidents. He was a supportive, loving, encouraging man who made sure that you knew he had confidence in you. Dad is no longer here, but he is a driving factor behind how I have gotten to this point. To this day, his words and his spirit continue to push me to be the best I can be. I am forever grateful to my hero.

My mother, too, has been a building block in my life. She has helped to support me financially, emotionally and even physically to this day. I can't count the number of times she drove to Denton in the middle of the night to get me when I was sick or in pain. I would not have been able to afford many of the luxuries I am blessed with if I hadn't had her financial support. And although she has pushed me to the edge of my sanity (as mothers are supposed to do), she has always pulled me back in and kept me going. She is strong, smart, encouraging, and loving and she always makes sure I know she has faith in me.

My sweet sister has been a lifeline. There were times when I truly didn't think I would make it to this point. Her sisterly advice always encouraged me and pushed me forward. Her home was a safe haven where I could escape from the stress of school. When I needed a "subject" for different assignments, she was available and willing to help. I can honestly say I wouldn't be walking across that stage on Friday night if I didn't have such a God-fearing, loving, supportive sister.

God has blessed me with an amazing support system. My roommates are a constant support at home, my friends are encouraging in my times of need (and even when I don't think I need it) and my family has never doubted what I am capable of. I never really had anyone tell me that they doubted my potential, but I suppose that's because I never [outwardly] doubted myself. I think my own doubt about my persistence and abilities was what pushed me the hardest. I did not want to let others down. It may be a character flaw, but it has gotten me here.

Thank you to everyone that has helped me through these four years. They have been stressful, relaxing, challenging, rewarding, emotional, eye-opening, and wonderful. I am grateful for you all.

How do you frame your art?

Picture frames. Framed mirrors. Framed wall art. Framed glasses. Simple frames. These frames outline the beautiful images they hold.

Decorative frames. These are the frames around pieces of glass that act as a piece of art themselves. What is inside does not matter, the beauty is on the outside.

So what is your frame like? Is your frame beautiful on the outside with nothing to see on the inside, or does your frame outline the beautiful piece of art that God made you to be?

"God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27

Every wrinkle, every dimple, every freckle is a brush stroke. Your smile, your laugh, the twinkle in your eyes. Your caring heart, your thoughtful mind and your playful spirit are all a part of you, you are a piece of art. But the most beautiful part of you, the part that the frame should merely highlight, is your Godly spirit.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

It is important to take care of your body. But not for the purpose of looking good in a bikini or selling underwear to people who lust after your image. You take care of your body because it is the temple for your spirit (God's spirit within you).

1 Corinthians 6:20 says to honor God with your body. This is where the argument about hypocritical Christians who drink and get tattoos usually begins. This is not the argument. Enjoying a drink and indulging in drunkenness are two separate things. Getting [appropriate] tattoos is not wrecking your temple. You want your body to be a place that represents God because "you yourselves are God's temple and ... God's Spirit lives in you" (1 Cor 3:16).

Is your frame beautiful? Does it accent the beautiful work God has done in you? When people see you, hear you, talk to you, do they see an empty, decorative (tan, slender, nicely dressed) frame? Or do they see a frame surrounding the beautiful Spirit God has placed in you?

I know pieces of my frame are chipped. Chunks have fallen off in the past. But the only thing that can fix it is my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He often reminds us in the strangest ways. Make sure your priorities lie not in perfecting your earthly beauty, but in drawing out the beauty God has given you.

"We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom. so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ." Colossians 1:28

Having brothers taught me not to date.

Growing up, I was never the girl who "needed" a guy. I think a lot of it was because I grew up around my brothers and all of their friends. My father was a great man who showed me love and I didn't need to seek it out from anyone else. I didn't date when I was in school. Sure I had the teenage crushes, but when it came down to it, I was the girl who would rather hang out with my friends and my family than dress up and go out on a date. For those of you who know me, you know how awkward and carefree I am. It wasn't much better in high school. Growing up around all the testosterone meant I knew what they were like and how their brains worked and I wasn't interested in having a relationship with something like that.

I thought, "I'll wait until I'm older and the guys have grown up".

Then I became older and realized....the guys NEVER grow up.

The following apply to some/most men (including but not limited to my brothers and/or guys I have dated):

They still would rather play video games and watch football than do most other things.
They still want to go out with the boys and have a good time.
They still laugh at the words "poop" and "fart".
They still (genuinely) forget to call you.
They still think it's funny to tell a woman to "get in the kitchen".
They still want to blow things up in the backyard.
They still want to shoot things.
They still like cartoons and cereal.
They still pick their noses and (although some don't admit it) they flick the boogers.
They still wish they were a superhero.
They still wear footie pajamas. (Yes, I dated one of them...)
They still have loyalty to their mothers.
They still think it's funny to fart in the car and lock the windows so that you breathe in their death fumes. (My "hilarious" bothers.)
They still want bigger, badder, louder cars.
They still couldn't survive without a woman, whether it's their mother or a wife.
They still think if something looks or smells disgusting that they should share it with EVERYONE. And that it's hilarious.

"DUDE, Bill, you've gotta come smell this!" ** "..*Sniff sniff* That's disgusting. It smells terrible. JACK, come smell this!" ** "..*Sniff sniff* Gross. Let's go tell Emily to smell it. This will be funny." ...Emily didn't find it funny, in case you were wondering how this scenario ended.

Men are just really tall little boys. Their maturity levels are about the same, their sense of humor is about the same, their attention span is about the same. Hopefully, if you've found a good one, his income is higher, his IQ is higher and his ability to function in social situations has improved.

I see all my friends getting engaged, getting married and having kids. On one hand, GOOD FOR YOU GUYS. You get to change poopy diapers and do your spouses' taxes while I get to go out on the weekends and have poop-free (usually) fun with my friends.

**I'm just kidding about the usually part. Poop is never involved in our fun. Except the one time we lit some on fire on that mean guy's porch. Just kidding, Mom. That never happened....**

But on the other hand, I'm getting to that age where it doesn't sound so bad.
**Getting to come home to your best friend and talk about your day...while I slave in the kitchen make him dinner and he watches COPS or whatever he watches on the couch with one hand in his pants and the other filled with a beer can. (Sounds a bit like Al Bundy. Maybe I watched this too much with Daddy.)
**Getting to celebrate the holidays twice; once with his loving family welcoming me and once with mine welcoming him.
**Having that connection with someone that is so strong, they know what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. If it's bad, they make it good. If it's good they make it better.
**Waking up next to someone that I love so much, I can't put it into words; someone who loves me so much, I can't help but feel it.
**Knowing that God made this person just for me. He made someone to complete me, to make every part of me perfect and complete.
**Having two incomes to support my lavish lifestyle. Yeah...right. That one was just to see if you're still paying attention.

I look forward to meeting this person one day. I know God has it in His plans. Sometimes I just wish I could peek at the plans so I could dress up and actually put some effort into my appearance on the right day...and completely ignore my appearance on all other days. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. So for now, I'll do my hair and makeup. Dang.