A Little Ranting and Raving.

I am blessed. I have a wonderful God and amazing friends that he has put in my life.

There is someone in my life right now that makes me feel like everything will be okay. He's physically far away from me, but I have never felt closer to somebody. No matter how I feel, just seeing his name pop up on my phone makes me smile. He can turn every grey cloud into a ray of sunshine. When there are things in my life that weigh me down, he lifts that burden. His words comfort me in ways that I never would have imagined. He is strong, loyal, dedicated, honest, and wonderfully caring. I am thankful for him and I miss him.

I have a best friend that is also physically far away. She is, by far, the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's funny, when I feel like there's no reason to go on...her name will appear on my phone beside a message that says "I love you". She knows when I need her and I don't even have to tell her. My life would not be worth living without her and her amazing family. Her mother is my mother, her father is my father. I look forward to spending all of my life with her by my side. Our children will be best friends whether they like it or not! I am so thankful for her and her family.

My brother and my sister are the best support system in the world. There are times when my brother makes me want to rip my hair out of my head. Most of those times it's because he's trying to play "dad" and help my mom. I know he means well but I don't like that side of him. He is the only person on earth who appreciates my humor. I will literally call him during the day to tell him something that I think is funny because I know nobody else will laugh. Hearing that laugh just gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm a funny girl. And my sister, man is she crazy! She is my role model. Her life is the life that I want one day. The relationship that she has with her husband, the life she has with her daughters, and the path that her family is on just makes me realize that there really is hope out there. Her home is a safe haven for me when I need a place to cry, a place to laugh, or just a place to dance all night and then crash. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

My best friend, Mandy, is one of the greatest people I know. The girl is strong, smart, and beautiful, and she makes me feel all of these things, too. I know if I ever need to get away, I just need to call her. We can drive 10 minutes away from our homes and feel like we are on another planet. We can talk for hours and I always feel better. No matter what is going on in my life and in hers, I know that we can help each other. I am so thankful for such a wonderful, trustworthy, loyal friend.

My roommate is amazing. I didn't know where my life was headed this summer. I had signed a lease to live in an apartment with three other people. I was so excited...until they decided otherwise. There are a lot of things involved there that I won't get into, but I was (pardon my french) scared shitless. I was being placed in an apartment with three strangers. I think my daddy might have had a little something to do with the outcome (him and God are bff) because I got lucky. This girl is someone that I can talk about things with for hours. Any time I'm angry, I talk to her. And the best part is, the poor girl puts up with it. I am so thankful for such a wonderful roommate and friend and I look forward to a long friendship.

A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Family and friends have slowly drifted away. Every time it happens, a little piece of my heart goes with them. When my dad passed away, a huge piece of my heart left with him. But because of the people I've mentioned, my heart has been rebuilt. Like any wound, the heart can heal. But, just like a superficial wound, the heart is scarred. The heart is the center of the body; without it, life ceases to exist. All things are controlled by the brain and powered by the heart. The two work together. When the heart is scarred, the brain is scarred. There are things that you will never forget and it affects the decisions you make for the rest of your life. You will avoid driving down certain roads or listening to specific songs or even eating special foods JUST in the hopes of avoiding negative emotions. I have done these things and more. But I have reached a point in my life where I am ready to confront those emotions. I just have to remember that these important people in my life will be there to mend my broken heart. Here begins a long journey.

Am I ready?

Reflection

"There is a time for everything...

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

My father was an amazing man. He lived his life in a way that glorified God. He believed that living a wise life would lead his children into doing the same. He was an amazing husband to my mother, an amazing son to my grandmother, and the most amazing father I could imagine. Everything he did and everything he said has a huge impact on me to this day. I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am if things had gone differently.

I don't agree that ending your own life is ever okay. It is never a good choice, it never helps the family, it never ends well. But I know who my father was and why he made his decision. As much as I wish it hadn't happened, part of me is glad that it did. I miss him every day, in a different way. Sometimes it's just because I want to tell him about what happened in class or what grade I made on a test. Sometimes I hear our song on a commercial or the radio. Sometimes I can swear I hear his voice or see him walking through a crowd. My heart sinks inside my chest when reality hits.

There is a time to be born and a time to die. God makes that decision, perhaps it was his time. Maybe it wasn't as much "his time to go" as "our time to lose him". I think the events in my life that have happened after his death are important. I honestly believe that everything I have gone through has made me into the strong yet weak, independent yet dependent, smart yet naive, beautifully troubled young woman that I am. And I am thankful for it.

There is a time to plant and a time to uproot. My life was planted firmly in the ground. I was happy with the way my life was going. The people in my life were wonderful and made life feel wonderful. But the night I came home and found his note on his desk, my life was uprooted. It still is. I don't think there's enough soil in the world to firmly plant my life in the ground. What was once normal to me will never again be normal.

There is a time to kill and a time to heal. To kill is to destroy. My life was completely destroyed, my idea of normal was gone, nothing felt okay. It is my time to heal, and it will be that way for the rest of my life. It's a hard process. I rely on my best friend, my family, and my amazing God to get me through it all.

There is a time to tear down and a time to build up. There are many days in my life that I break down. My heart breaks, my mind freezes, my world stops. But since the day my Dad left this earth, I have been building up. My dad always said "whatever you are, be a good one". I don't know what I am yet, or who I will be. So for now, I will try to be the best person I can be to honor my father.

There is a time to weep and a time to laugh. My dad always laughed at things that people shouldn't laugh about. His excuse was "you either have to laugh or cry. And I'm a man, I don't cry". I weep, and then I laugh.

There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I choose not to mourn my father's life but rather to celebrate it. When I think about how wonderful he was, my heart floats, my mind dances across memories. I celebrate life.

There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain. My father and I are alike. He always spoke his mind and he never gave up. If he wanted something accomplished, he did it. There was so holding him back. He embraced life, as do I.

There is a time to search and a time to give up. I searched for answers. The question that always arises after tragedy is Why me?  Why now? The day before my birthday, of my senior year of high school. Before graduation, marriage, children. Sometimes the answer is just "because".

There is a time to keep and a time to throw away. I keep every memory of him. I keep every paper he gave me, every picture taken, every phrase uttered and I keep it. The day may come where I can physically rid of them, but they will always remain.

There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Knowing how to tell the difference between these will keep you humble. Like my daddy, I can get my way using only my words and my wit. But sometimes our words don't glorify God. Intelligence is knowing the difference.

There is a time to love and a time to hate. I love my life, but sometimes I hate what has happened. I hate that I can't stop by my parents' house and give my dad a hug. I hate that I can't call him after a rough day and just cry on the phone like I used to. I hate that when my world is crashing around me, the one person that always understood my every emotion is no longer here to sit with me, talk with me, cry with me. This man that meant the world to me is gone. And I hate that.

There is a time for war and a time for peace. My emotions play games sometimes. They fight one another. Happiness is in the lead until I'm sitting at Chili's with friends and see a man who resembles my father. Then panic sets in, followed by fear, and anger, and sadness. I can't live a life where my emotions are constantly battling. I must find a place of peace. I'm currently searching.

As I am faced with a similar situation in my [childhood] best friend's life, I think about the wonderful legacy my father left. Those who knew him, knew how great he was. His work ethic was one of perfection. His devotion was so true and honest. His virtues were strong and deliberate. "Your true value is seen by who you are, not by what you have" he always told me. He never made a promise that he didn't keep. He never lied, he never cheated, he never even got a speeding ticket. No human can be perfect, but this man was as close as you could get. His presence is missed by many every day and will be for years to come. But I am thankful for knowing him and everything that he stood for. 

I busted my butt.

So we've been snowed/iced in our apartment for three days now. I'm slowly losing my mind. So we decided to venture out to Wal-Mart for some entertainment. We did actually make it there this time. Of course, due to my movie addiction, I purchased three movies. I also got some wood to work with and some hot cheetos to munch on.

Before we even left the complex, I slipped on a tricky patch of ice that looked like an innocent pile of soft snow and fell on my butt. Unfortunately, it was the top of my butt, which is the bottom of my back...the part where I have a bulging disc. So, I've been in a little bit of pain. However, thanks to modern technology and western medicine, I have drugs and a stimulater that helped relieve the pain. Now I just have a really cute bruise across my back. Was is worth the trip to Wal-Mart?

ABSOLUTELY!!! I HAD TO GET OUT OF THIS DANG APARTMENT.

So now it is another night of relaxing, watching tv, and enjoying the company of my roommates. The prediction of more snow tomorrow makes me a very happy girl! I love to lay in my bed by the window and watch the snow fall from the sky. It truly makes you realize how great God is. Seeing his creation covered in a soft white blanket of snow brings joy to my day. We'll see how tomorrow goes! Stay warm and enjoy the weather!

Umm, hey. It's snowing.

this is where we kinda froze to death.

So I guess if I just said something like "it's cold, I made a snowman, it's snowing, there's no school, it's cold, blah blah blah" I could be done with today's post. But that's not gonna happen. Of course, I have a good story to share.

We thought it would be a good idea to run to Wal-Mart for some snackage and drinkage. However, like I've said before, God has a sense of humor. We made it out of the apartment complex and through one stoplight before the people in front of us came to a stop. Naturally, we also stopped. This is where our problem began; once we stopped, we couldn't get enough traction to start again. Carson was driving, so I got out to push. This was clearly a brilliant idea since I have the strength of 1,000 men.

As you could have guessed, my incredible strength was just not enough. Erin got out to help just as a few friends pulled up in a truck behind us and got out to help. Please, get this image in your head: 

An orange Jeep Liberty is stuck across two lanes of traffic. 4 small females are pushing behind it with all their might. One white SUV with two poor excuses for men inside FLY past them. Not a single person offers to help. Did you get an image? Well now take that image and add rainboots to the girls' feet, colorful scarves and gloves, and a concerned expression on Carson's face. I don't know if the image in your mind will come close to how funny it really was.

We finally got the Jeep into a parking lot and walked back to our apartment. However, we did manage to stop at a gas station on the way home. You can't leave thinking you'll return with delicious snacks and then return empty handed!! We walked back home in the ice and snow. After that adventure I have two things to say:

1. Those stories our parents tell us about how they

walked to school in 10 feet of snow, barefoot, uphill

are all total crap.

2. If I had to walk to school in 10 feet of snow, barefoot, 

uphill, both ways, I would go to school a lot less 

than I do now.

Quote of the Day:

"I'm pretty sure there is snow in my butt crack!"

--Carson Tully: after making a snow angel. 

 

Monday, the WORST day of the week.

So my Monday starts at 7:00 when I wake up and ends when I get home at 6:30. Except, of course, I have to watch Pretty Little Liars at 7:00. THEN my day is over.

I drive to school, fight for a parking spot, run from one class to another all day and then briskly walk back to my car in the parking lot. I then proceed to FLY (carefully: avoiding police) to work, spend 3 lovely hours with the children at work, and finally go home and cook dinner.

But, today was different. Today was a terrific Monday. When I got to the parking lot, I didn't have to fight to the death or play chicken with another car to obtain my parking spot. I didn't have to park at a meter and I didn't even have to park in the BFE parking lot that only 5 people even know exists. I found a nice, close spot!
^^Awesome moment #1 
My lab in the morning was cancelled and then I went to my 3 hour Computer Application for Journalists class. Keep in mind, this class is 3 hours of a mixture of lecture and work-mind numbing, not gonna lie. We usually have about an hour to work on an assignment that is due at the end of class and then an additional assignment due the following Monday. WELL, today I finished the in-class assignment in 10 minutes and almost completed next Monday's assignment.
^^Awesome moment #2 
My allergies were awful all day. I carried enough tissues in my pocket to feed all of China, kind of like my grandmother does. Funny enough, I also had peppermints filling the other pocket...like my grandmother. The fact that my joints ached all day makes this whole "like my grandmother" thing seem like a reality. But anyway, I chose not to take my kids outside at work today. And it's a good thing!! It started sprinkling. Only in Texas can it be 65 degrees all weekend and -5 degrees the following Wednesday... Instead, we played basketball in the gym and practiced our poetry. (..because it's poetry week, not because I enjoy torturing my children) It was actually an incredibly quick, enjoyable workday!
^^Awesome moment #3
And finally, I returned home after stopping for some much needed Chick-fil-A for dinner. I figured since it wasn't my typical horrible Monday, I shouldn't have my typical home-cooked dinner. Great choice! I think I lost like 1 pound when I was sick this week so I needed to put it back on. Then I ate my dinner and watched Pretty Little Liars. I really need to remember not to shave on Monday mornings because I always get goosebumps all over my body when I watch that darn show. If you don't watch it, don't judge me. You couldn't possibly understand!
^^Awesome moment #4

So, for a Monday, 4 "awesome moments" isn't too shabby. 

Last but not least, I will introduce the quote of the day. Basically, these will be among the funniest, saddest, strangest, or just plain ridiculous things I've heard during the day.

"Why you are just the prettiest little white thing 

I've seen in these parts all day long!"

-Strange Old Lady at Chick-Fil-A

Welcome to my blog!

My days are spent at school and work, but in between these wonderful occasions, my mind runs wild. Often times there are so many thoughts buzzing through my brain that I can't contain them all. If you know me at all, you know that I will share my thoughts openly. They don't always make sense to people who can't read my mind, which pretty much includes everyone since mind reading is nonexistent, but I express them to the best of my ability. Having said that, trying to expose my bewildering though process is not one of my strongest talents, but it does provide some entertainment for those who try to listen.

My free time, which comes in spurts, is usually spent with friends. The way I see it, I want to look back on my life one day and be happy with the choices I have made. I don't want to live with regrets; I don't want to grow up and think "I wish I had.." or "I wish I hadn't...".

I think everything happens for a reason! God has a plan for me. Even though I don't know what that plan is, and most of the time I wish I did, I try my best to understand that everything (good and bad) that happens in my life will lead me down the path God wants for me. I have been betrayed by people who were important to me and I couldn't see any reason to have to go through that kind of pain. But now that I am in such a wonderful place and have met such wonderful people, it all falls into place. That God is such a funny character. I'm really glad he has a sense of humor! Life would be pretty dull if he didn't.

Prepare for random stories about the nonsense that has occurred during my days and the blubbering sob stories that I have found purpose in. I promise not to bore you to death, but I guess if you find it boring, you can read it before bed and sleep peacefully! My gift to you...