The coming week seems to be the hardest week of the year for me. I get overly emotional about things, I cry at random times of the day, I think about things that I don't want to think about.
I was driving to work today and just started crying. I had to wipe my tears while I was trying to get on 35 in Denton (which, if you've ever driven in Denton, you know that's hard enough when you're paying complete attention) and tell myself to suck it up.
3 years ago, my life changed forever. People say it gets easier over time. I don't think it does. It hurts just as much. It just hurts in a different way. I find myself wondering what life would be like today if my dad were still here.
Sometimes I look at my life and feel guilty for being happy. If Dad was still here, I wouldn't have some of the things I love, I wouldn't know some of the people I adore, I wouldn't have had some of the experiences that I've enjoyed. I feel guilty.
I wish I could change things. I don't have regrets but I wish I had the power to change things. There have been some situations in my life that have been PERFECT...except for one little thing that changes the entire situation. He lives to far away, it costs too much money, they have a funny accent. I just wish everything would fall into place.
I am so thankful for my friends and family. They make everything okay. If I didn't have my best friend, Mandy, I don't know how I would make it through every day. I know I can count on her when I need a good cry or talk or stare...she helps me through the hardest parts of my life.
My sister is incredible. I would be lost without her. Her home is a place for me to go and feel safe and welcome. I know I can cry or laugh or talk about anything. I don't have to hide anything from her and she always knows what I'm thinking or feeling.
Tricia Abouabdo is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When my dad died, she literally got on the next flight out to Texas and came straight to my side. She knows when I need her (from the other side of the country). She fills my heart with happiness.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Some I would give anything to have back, and others I'm learning to live without. Maybe that's why it's so hard sometimes. But knowing that the few people I do have will never leave me makes things a lot easier.
So bring on the tough week. It's going to be super hard, but I think I can handle it. That's one thing my daddy left with me, strength.
