A little bit of thanks.

I am thankful for so many things. And not just on Thanksgiving day, but year-round. I live a pretty good life filled with many blessings.

There is just something about this day that floods my body with emotions. Memories rush through my mind, like a glimpse of time replaying for a quick smile. My heart is warmed by the reminders of love given by my friends and family.

I am thankful for many little things: my headphones when I'm on the bus with obnoxious passengers; my sleeping pills on those restless nights; my otterbox because we all know how clumsy I am; DVR, Pandora, price scanners, the chipotle app..the list goes on and on. But let's get a little serious for a few minutes.

At the times in my life where I have felt so low, so lost, so deeply confused and hurt, my family and my friends (my TRUE friends) and even my numerous roommates have been by my side. I am thankful for them.

When I felt like no one understood what I was thinking or what I was feeling, my sister was there. She doesn't judge me, she doesn't tell me I'm right or wrong: she listens and opens her heart to my words. I'm thankful for her.

When I have a terribly inappropriate joke or a secret, or a piece or overly intimate information that I need to share, Katie listens. And usually responds with something witty or a simple "this is why we're friends". I'm so thankful for her.

I would give anything in the world to have my father back with me on this earth, to walk through life with me and to share my memories. However, that is but a dream. Though I miss him terribly, I have grown so much and learned so much through this experience. I have touched others' lives in ways I never could have before. I have learned so much about myself and my relationships with others. I have heard his words echo through my mind for the last four years and I know they will continue to resonate for the rest of my life. I am thankful for everything my dad has given me and continues to give to me.

I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. I am thankful that I never have to question where I will lay my head, where I will find my next meal or how I will make it to tomorrow.

I have been forgiven. I have been saved. No matter the mistakes I make, He will always love me unconditionally. I am thankful for my God.

I am thankful for every experience I have had in my life, both good and bad. I am thankful for the heartbreaks that have helped me to learn about myself. I am thankful for the mistakes I have made and the lessons I have learned from them. I am thankful that I have the capability of always trying to find the silver lining.

Thanksgiving is a time to spend with the ones you love and to remember that they love you. Be thankful for what you have and know that you always have what you need in Christ. Enjoy your holiday, friends!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in.

My thoughts jumbled.
My emotions confused.
Heart pounding,
Eyes tearing,
I remember.

Breathe out.

First, it slithers in; sadness.
Next, a memory; happiness.
Then the timing; anger.
And the longing; heartache.

Breathe in.

Four years.
Four years of no hug,
no smile,
no "I love you",
no butterfly kisses.

Breathe out.

His cheeky grin,
his giant water mug,
his socks with sandals,
his contagious laughter,
his animated stories...
A smile creeps across my face.

Breathe in.

His words adorn the board beneath the calendar.
I hear them like a distant whisper.
His pictures are scattered across the walls.
A glimpse of time still held so dear.
His laughter echoes through my vacant mind.
It bounces around, from thought to thought.

Breathe out.

Gone, but never forgotten.
Away, yet still so close.
In heaven he rests,
never alone,
eternal life he chose.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Forever my hero, I love you Daddy.
10.07.08

My afternoons.

My afternoon class is usually a group of boys; only boys, ages 4-10. On occasion, I have a girl that stays for an hour or so, but I'm usually trapped in a room with young boys playing action figures and legos. Listening to their conversations is the highlight of my day. Kids really do say the darnedest things!

Here is a small compilation of things I have heard them say that I felt were worth writing down. (I will simply use a letter to represent the children's' names and a number for their age. Keep in mind, they're all boys unless otherwise specified.) The list will continue to grow. Enjoy!

..........................................................................................................................................................

*Playing some hiding game with action figures*
N(10):  "HAHA, I found you!"
E(8):    "Uh, no...you didn't. I'm black so you probably can't even see me through the
          smoke."
N(10):  "Fine. (Turns to another boy) I caught you!!"
V(6):   "No way. I'm too big to catch. I'm 500 pounds because I like McDonald's."

..........................................................................................................................................................

*His friend walks away and starts goofing around*
L(5):   "Well, I'm gonna do this while you do all your jibbelty jack. Such a waste of
        time."

..........................................................................................................................................................

*Arguing about action figures*
E(8):  "Okay, but my character is deaf."
V(6):  "Your guy is death?"
E(8):  "No, not death. Deaf! Death is when you die, deaf is when your ears die."

..........................................................................................................................................................

*Talking during snack*
N(10): "Yeah because zombies eat peoples' flesh."
Me: "Let's find something else to talk about!"
M The only girl in class (8): "Yeah! Like puppies or rainbows or stickers. Stuff like that."

..........................................................................................................................................................

*Showing me his lego creation*
E(8):  "It's like the third quadruple most amazing thing in the world."

..........................................................................................................................................................

N(10):  "Let's have a dance competition!"
L(5):    "No, I can't."
N(10):  "Well, why not?!"
L(5):     "They're my secret moves. I can't show people my secret moves. That's why
            they're called secret."

..........................................................................................................................................................

N(10):  "Gross, who just farted?"
Me:    "We don't need to talk about that. And let's use a different word next time,
         please."
V(6):    "We say toot, or pass gas, or stepping on frogs, or booty whispers."

..........................................................................................................................................................

*Talking about eating cherries*
M(5):  "Sometimes they feel juicy and taste like mushrooms."
V(6):   "But mushrooms grow out of the ground and cherries grow from..umm...God?"

..........................................................................................................................................................

O(4):  "I learned how to tie my shoes. Something about a rabbit in a hole, but my
         rabbit never stays in his hole. That's why we had six more weeks of winter."

..........................................................................................................................................................

V(6): "Ms. Miller, how old are you? Well, umm...if I had to guess, I'd say you're like 80.
       Because you look young and old. I think my mom is 85. So you look younger 
       than her, but older than me."

Just got to thinking...

I would say I'm lucky, but I don't think "luck" has anything to do with it. I am blessed beyond belief.

I have been blessed with four wonderful roommates who have already filled my heart with joy. The laughter we all engage in warms my soul. Despite the stress and sadness that I feel at times, when I come home, it feels okay. It feels like a home; a safe place where I can let my hair down (actually put it up because I get tired of having it down!), throw on my sweats and relax in the company of people I love.

I have been blessed with two grandparents that go out of their way to show their love for me. If I need anything, they want to be the ones to provide it. Even when I don't need something, they want to provide it. Through all of the heartache and smiles and tears and laughter, they have stood by my side. They have been an example of love, both to my brother and me and to each other. Married for over 50 years, I know what a strong bond looks like. They set the bar for a marriage that I want.

I have been blessed with a brother and sister (and not to mention my two wonderful nieces) who look out for me in ways that I may not always realize. I can talk to them about anything with all judgment put aside. I can trust them with my thoughts, my emotions and my life. No matter where we go or what we do, laughter accompanies us. Lots of laughter. The kind other people might find obnoxious. We don't care.

I have been blessed with many friends that I can call my best friends. One of them has put up with me for almost 20 years. She carries with her a piece of my heart. I know that piece will never get lost or broken and I can't thank her enough for that. I have been blessed with her family. I may not have my father here on earth, but I do have hers. That man has loved me like my father loved me. Since my father passed, there is no one on this earth that I have yet to call "Dad" (in all seriousness) other than Saad Abouabdo. He is one of the biggest blessings I have. I look forward to having him as my father for the rest of my years. I know my father will be proud to sit back and watch Saad dance with me at my wedding and shake the hand of the man who he finds good enough for his daughter.

I am blessed. My life gets crazy. My heart gets broken. My dreams don't always come true. But I am so blessed. God has a plan for me that is greater than I could ever imagine. All of the heartache and pain that I face now will mean nothing when all of the pieces of my life fall together to paint such a beautiful picture of the life he created for me. Life is a blessing and I will treat mine as such.

A new chapter.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

       - 1 Corinthians 10: 13

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins...For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Epheshians 2: 1; 8-10

Man, do these speak volumes to me tonight. God is faithful beyond belief. He provides. He heals. He saves. 

Temptations can easily take hold of your life and drag you through some muddy waters. In high school, we used to go mudding. It was lots of fun. But, by the time you were done, mud covered everything. A lot of times, we didn't wash it off right away...it's just not fun if you wash it off as soon as you finish. You have to soak up the environment. (Plus, I hear people pay to lay in mud at spas...apparently it has some health benefits...? Thank you mother nature.) That stuff dried thick and heavy. You had to chip it off a little bit at a time. The windows, even after being grazed by the windshield wipers, were streaky and difficult to see through.

I think temptations, and lust, have the same effect. Our vision is clouded. Their weight bogs down our thoughts and our better judgement. We succumb to the ideas planted in our minds by Satan. He plants these ideas and they grow like wild bamboo, viciously stabbing through every bit of clarity we had. 

We give in to the worldly temptations that surround our everyday lives. The cursing, the gossiping, the lying, cheating, stealing. The list goes on and on. I can't say that I'm perfect and that I do not do any of these things. I admit to giving into temptations. However, I know that I am forgiven.

When you recognize your sins and make an effort to turn from them, you are making an effort to grow closer to the Lord. In the words of Matt Chandler, "When you move farther from the ways God makes you holy and closer to the ways you make you holy...When you move farther from the things God brings to the table for you and closer to the things you bring to the table for you, you are pulling yourself farther from His salvation."

I think I've focused too much on the things I bring to the table. The things I bring are NOTHING compared to what He has to offer me. Unfortunately, it took me this long to realize it. A new chapter in this book that I call "Life" has begun and I look forward to seeing how it ends. But, in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy writing the chapter. 

I have a lot to learn. But lucky for me, I am surrounded by friends and family who have a lot to teach. 

Brisco Tacets

Exhaustion makes us funnier than usual. We say things and think things and dream things differently.

Last night I dreamed that someone moved into my room with me. Her (no idea who she was) little sister came in and started throwing things out of my closet. I woke up so angry.

Then, when I woke up this morning and tried to check the time on my phone, I dropped it on my face. Actually, it was square on the nose. I don't know if you've ever dropped something on your nose but it makes your eyes cry. Not fun.

After that, I put hand soap on my toothbrush and put the toothpaste in the trash can.

In the shower, I washed my hair. Then I put my body wash in my hair, so I had to shampoo all over again.

Went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and when asked by the pharmacist, "what's your birthday?" I responded "Um, no...it's not."

Tonight at dinner, I ordered Brisco Tacets. Lucky for me the waiter understood that I meant Brisket Tacos. There's no telling what I could have ended up with.

On the way home, I missed my exit. Then I made a split second decision to just take the next exit. Then I missed it too. Then I exited and turned around to get back on and go to the correct exit...then I missed it again. I really wasn't sure if I would ever get home.

I made it home. My neck hurt pretty bad. Fortunately, I am the proud owner of many tubes of Icy Hot. So I rubbed some of that miracle cream on. However, my eye began to itch. I used the OTHER hand to scratch it. But then as I left the bathroom, I scratched it again with the Icy Hot hand. Damn that short term memory of mine.

Now I'm home laying in my bed with a heating pad on my neck, one eye covered with a wet paper towel and a pretty painful bruise on my face from when I dropped my phone on it. And I can't even begin to count the number of times I've used the backspace key because my fingers are just kind of typing random letters. I keep thinking of the words I want to type and my fingers just kind of flow in a pattern kind of like ;alisjidoj lkjdosif woiejf wiensvsd.

I think I'm going to call it a night before I harm myself any more. Maybe sleep will cure this ailment of self-inflicted pain and the series of unfortunate events that has been my Saturday.

A letter to Dad.

Happy Father's Day.

Every year at this time, I miss going and trying to pick a tie that you might like, even though you rarely wore them. I miss going to Steve and Barry's to get you another hoodie for your obnoxiously large collection. I miss standing in the aisle at the grocery store trying to find a card that would make you laugh. I loved your laugh. I loved how when you laughed too hard, it sounded like a fat kid with asthma, just gusts of wind blowing through a tunnel. It was contagious.

I love that, even though you left this earth, you left me with so much. You left me with strength, wisdom, courage, independence and a strong will. You taught me how to be rough and you taught me when to put that aside, though it's something I still struggle with. You taught me how to stand up for what I believe in. You showed me that it's okay to have weaknesses, and it's even okay to let some people know what those weaknesses are. You were an example of strength. By being such a stubborn man and not letting anyone help you, even with something as simple as moving furniture, you taught me that sometimes it's necessary to let others help.

You continue to inspire me every day. Your memory is behind most of the decisions I make. The letters you wrote me are placed around my room to remind me how much you loved me. Your pictures hang on my walls so I can see your smiling face and remember what a wonderful father you were to me. I know sometimes you doubted yourself as a parent, who doesn't? But you were the best father you could be, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

I am glad you get to spend Father's Day in Heaven celebrating with your Dad and your Heavenly Father. I miss you like crazy.

Thank you for the 18 wonderful years I spent with you. Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I love you.

It's funny.

It's funny how the mind works; how seeing someone's picture can make you miss them. But, when you think about the time you spent together, or lack thereof, and how disappointing it turned out to be, that longing disappears. Sorry, gentlemen. I'm far from high-maintenance, but I do kind of expect to see you sometimes. If this seems demanding, you're going to have a hard time finding a woman.

It's funny to look back at past relationships, platonic and/or romantic. To see how many have come and gone, and how few have lasted, and to find yourself questioning why you believed in them to begin with. I don't mean for this to sound quite so depressing. But, honestly, think about some of the friendships and relationships you've been in. You know damn well that there has been at least one where you verbalized the well-known "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" after-thought.

It's funny how different people can be from each other. Some people hate change (me) and others embrace it and thrive off of it. Some people dream about their future (me) and others dwell on their past. Some people like to plan and know what's going to happen (me) and others live completely spontaneously.

It's funny to remember the phases you've passed through in your life. Though my life has just begun and has plenty of time to endure new phases, I love to laugh at some of the old ones. The super flared jeans, the opera music, the bright colored eye shadow that I thought was attractive, the rap music accompanied by the Puerto Rican boyfriend that was no good for me, the platform flip flops, adding "...NOT" to the end of all of your sentences just in case there wasn't enough sarcasm already, MySpaceXangaFacebook, and many, MANY more.

It's funny to see where my life is now and think about where it would have been "...if..."

• ...if Dad was still here.

•  ...if I had lived with those people that I thought were my friends. 

•  ...if I had stayed with that boyfriend.

•  ...if I had chosen a different degree plan. 

•  ...if I hadn't eaten that Chinese food for dinner.

Because even though I'll always wonder "if", I can always look where I am now and know that somewhere along the line, I did something right.

It's funny how some friendships go.
There are those that come into your life and you are completely unaware of why they've been put there. One day you realize how much they've impacted you.
There are those that come into your life and you know right away that they're there for a reason. They create such a tidal wave of emotion in your life and no matter what happens between y'all in the future, they're a big part of your life.
There are those that come into your life and spread poison. Sometimes you're completely unaware until it's too late.
And then there are those that come into your life when you're two-years-old and don't have a clue what life even is. They stick by your side through everything, fly to you from across the country when you're in need, and you find yourself wide awake at 2:00 in the morning because you're so excited to fly out to see them in a week.

It's funny how you dream up this life for yourself and, one day, you wake up and see pieces of it falling into place. I can't wait for the day when I wake up and all the pieces have created a beautiful picture of the life I knew I would have. They say you've reached "middle-age" when you spend more time looking back at your memories than dreaming about your future. Aside from the hundreds of bottles of hair color I will use and the new cars I will buy myself, I think that's reason enough to look forward to middle-age.

Life is funny. Good thing laughter is the best medicine.

 

A little rant for the evening.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The semester is almost complete.

I can't even begin to describe the sense of relief that has begun to come over me. Despite the numerous things I have to accomplish before I can claim to be done, I feel good.

All semester long, I looked at this mound of school work as a hellish monster that was sure to consume me in one piece. The reality: it was slightly less hellish than assumed and only ate one little piece of me at a time. BUT, the good news is, like a lizard's tail, my parts grew back slowly.

I also kept my hair. I did rip some out on occasion when things just weren't going my way and the devil was having a field trip in my mind. I also discovered some gray hairs, and eyebrow hairs, and eyelashes (which I found very strange). But I just borrowed some of the stuff my mom uses to get rid of her grays and everything is okay.

(Just kidding, Mommy. I love you.)

This semester flew by like some of the best parts of my life. They say time flies when you're having fun. I think time also flies when you don't have time to slow down and check your calendar or even your watch. I made a lot of self-discoveries. I learned a lot about myself, my endurance, my tolerance, my talents, my ability to overcome certain odds, my time management skills (and the need for improvement) and most importantly, my strength.

Sidenote: time for a tangent.


Don't ask why, but I decided to look up my career choice on Urban Dictionary to see how people "define me". This is what I found:

"Journalist: a professional liar. a professional distorter. a professional hate mongerer. they craftily use newspapers and television programs to create the illusion that the entire world believes like them. in reality, they are literally just a couple psychos with a really big megaphone. Like Satan, they only have any influence in your life if you choose to let them in."

Sit back. Here we go.

~Professional liar- actually, like most jobs, when journalists lie, they get fired. In fact, the job of an editor is to make sure the journalists are not liars. In fact, journalists are required to cite all information and sources to protects against lying. In fact, the first rule in journalism is "do not fabricate or falsify".

~Professional distorter- see above.

~Professional hate mongerer- I think I'll start by stating the obvious. The creator of this post on Urban Dictionary is obviously not a writer at all because "mongerer" is not in the English vocabulary. Second of all, someone has their panties in a twist. The job of a journalist is not to incite anger or hate. It is to convey factual information that educates the reader.

~Craftily using newspaper and television to create the illusion that the entire world believes like journalists- ha. hahahahaha. haha. That was my first reaction to reading this sentence. Craftily using newspaper and television? Yeah, that's not exactly how this field works. Television and newspaper use information put together by journalists. The journalists are not responsible for the information that is presented. They do not create the facts or the situations or the results. They simply act as a medium for the general public to receive information. And to make the public "believe like them"? Journalists don't believe anything. We're trained to basically doubt everything. We have to research the research that the researchers give us. We are trained to make sure that anything we say or use is obtained from an educated, professional, reliable source. The general public couldn't "believe like us" if they tried.

~A couple of psychos with megaphones- see local high school cheerleaders.

~They only have an influence if you let them in- This one is tough. They are referring to "journalists" here, but I think they're missing something bigger. Journalists have a lot less power over lives than marketers and advertisers. Not to say they are negative, but their job is to convince people to buy crap that they don't need. That's their job, you can't be mad at them for doing it. Billboards, TV commercials, advertisements on the web and in the paper and magazines, articles people read---everything has an affect on people. You can't help but let them in. Don't hate on journalists for bringing you the information you want. I guarantee the creator of this post has no idea how much positive affect the media has had on him/her. They are probably completely unaware that because of journalism, the rapist that lived down the street was caught. The drug dealer around the corner is gone. The business he/she owns has clients and customers because of media. True, these are extreme examples, but let's all just chill out.

I am not saying that other professions aren't challenging. Law school is hard. Medical school is hard. Hospitality management is a huge challenge. But journalism is it's own kind of OMGTHISISHARD. The amount work and dedication and time put into this career is often overlooked. I think it's time for some of us to stand up and show those Urban Dictionary haters what's up.

I did not grow up.

I was raised.

I say yes ma'am, no sir, please, and thank you. I shake hands with someone when I meet them. I bow my head and fold my hands when I pray before my meal. I place my hand over my heart during the Pledge of Allegiance. I offer my seat to the elderly and mothers holding their children.

I was raised.

If I'm asked to do a job, I do it. And I do it to the best of my ability. I make my share of mistakes, but I own up to them. I learn to do things on my own so I do not have to depend on others. I do not expect to be given anything; I work for what I have.

I was raised.

I trust people until I am given a reason not to. I see the good in everyone, even when most people only see the bad. I give second chances, even though sometimes I shouldn't. I never make a promise that I cannot keep.

I was raised.

The choices I make are not based on what other people think. My beliefs are not based on what other people say. My values are not based on how the world has changed. My choices, my beliefs and my values are based on the way I was raised.

I was raised to be strong, independent, smart (street and book), modest, hard-working, trustworthy and self-confident.

But sometimes:
I have moments of weakness. I need someone to help me. I make stupid decisions. I say and do things I know I shouldn't. I slack off. I don't tell the whole truth. I doubt myself.

Thanks to my mother and father, I'm able to get past the weakness and dependence and mistakes and let-downs and doubts. I'm able to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on with my head held high.

I did not just grow up, I was raised.


I miss you, Daddy.
10.07.2008 <3

Reality Check.

Pain is such a complicated feeling.

As humans, we feel pain in so many ways. We feel physical pain, we feel emotional pain. Sometimes we feel it when we're happy, we always feel it when we're sad. It doesn't get better with age, it doesn't make any more sense as we become more wise.

I think the pain that hurts the worst is when your heart breaks, but the tears don't fall. It's like your brain is trying to tell you that you should have expected it. Part of you was expecting it all along. Now that the pain has finally made its way to your heart, your brain has moved on. You would give anything to cry, make the pain go away, but you can't.

I am smart. My father always told me, my mother always told me, my friends always told me.

I know I'm smart, but I also know that I make a lot of stupid decisions. My problem is that, all too often, I think with my heart. Sometimes that's a good thing, but often it is quite the opposite.

Tonight, my heart hurts. I have let my heart lead me down a path that I knew would not end well. As I sit on my couch and dwell on fond memories and feelings, the tears have finally started flowing. Not because my heart hurts, but because I realize the stupid decisions I have made in following my heart and not my brain. I let my heart believe something that my brain knew was wrong.

Pain is such a complicated feeling.

I can count on two hands the number of people that I love. People that I truly love, that truly love me.

I don't mean "love".
I don't mean they tell me things they think will make me feel good because they want to feel good.
I don't mean they say "I love you" because that's what they're supposed to say.
I don't mean they shell out empty promises to me.

The people I love (and that love me) promise the world, and they mean it.
They tell me they love me because how they really feel can't be expressed in words.
They tell me things that they think will make me feel better, only because they want to be there in my time of need.
Those are the people I love.

Sadly, I can count them on two hands.

Like I said before, I think my brain was just waiting for this moment. It knew all along. It tried to show me the signs, but my heart blew it off. It tried to warn me, but my heart ignored it. Now it's telling my heart "I told you so", and my heart is feeling the pain.

I have let my heart believe this lie for far too long. It will be so hard to convince my heart that it is untrue, to convince my heart to move on. But I will try. Fortunately, those people that I can count on two hands will be there for me.

My heart and my brain deserve better. Now I just have to wait for better to come along. ...And I need to buy a new communication system for my brain and my heart: they are going to have to start communicating better before the other organs start a riot.

Quirks.

I don't know who actually reads what I post, so if you care...here's a little bit you might not know about me.

*I am 21 years old. My mental (maturity) age is about 7 and a half. My body's physical age is about 84. I watch cartoons while I use my heating pad.

*When I'm alone in the car with the radio on, I harmonize. And I'm pretty darn good at it! Don't judge me.

*I cry almost every time I see roadkill. Hunting doesn't bother me, but seeing those poor animals in the road just gets me.

*I gag when people touch me with their feet. I don't care if you have socks on. Don't touch me with your feet. And don't touch my feet.

*When I cook, I like to put music on and pretend I'm one of those people in the movies. You know, they dance and sing while they cook and they look cool...

*When I can't sleep, I turn on Pandora and listen to the "Ambient" station. That's all it takes; I pass out.

*I open my mouth really wide when I'm putting my eyeliner on. Apparently I also do it when I put my mascara on; but only on the bottom lashes. I don't know why.

*My index finger always migrates to the point of my nose when I'm thinking. When I'm thinking really hard, my fingers starts tapping.

*You can tell I'm tired when I forget what I was talking about 5 seconds ago. Or in the middle of a story.

*(Warning: TMI) Coffee makes me pee more than any other drink. Tea takes 2nd place. Alcohol takes 3rd.

*In the shower, I often get distracted by the wonderful hot water and forget if I washed my hair yet. So I'll wash it again.

*When my stomach growls at me, I talk back to it. If it keeps going, we usually have a conversation.

* I think out loud way too much. I get it from my mother. People probably think I'm a little bit schizophrenic.

*When stores send me coupons, I feel obligated to shop there. Especially when it's a really good deal. I wish they knew I couldn't afford it.

*If I had to, I could live solely off of sandwiches and watermelon. However, I would need a stove to cook my sandwich; I like my sandwiches "toasted".

*If I have something exciting to tell someone, I text them. But I don't tell them what's exciting, I just say "I have something exciting to tell you!" Then I make them wait.

*Way too often, when I get a text, I respond in my head and forget to actually text it back. I remember later when I wonder why they haven't texted ME back...

*I love the smell of campfire, pipes, cigars, windex, coffee, chapstick, new car, puppy breath, and my grandma's house.

*I hate the smell of chicken, excessive cologne, red beans and rice, onion, Fabuloso (cleaner), and cigarette smoke.

*When I'm having deep conversation and I'm about to make a point, I make a squinty face and shrug my shoulders. Then say "I don't know". (Thanks for pointing this out Brandon. I guess I should just make my point!)

*One of my favorite things in the world is waking up to a text message from someone I care about. It starts my day off wonderfully.

Well, that's all for now. Just a few random facts for you to laugh at. I have many quirks and love when people point them out to me. Don't be afraid to bring them up. ( but please be kind haha )

So what's your "type"?

I really don't like when people ask "so, what do you look for in a guy?" or "what's your type?".

First of all, I don't necessarily "look" for anything. But second of all, there's a standard answer that you'll get from any girl.

"Honest, good sense of humor, fun, outgoing, smart, hardworking, likes me for who I am..." blah. blah. blah! DUH That's what everyone wants in a significant other. So let's get a little more personal for a minute here.

When I was about 14, my Sunday School teacher told us we needed to make a list. We needed to list the qualities/standards we expect in a man and to never stray from them. I found my list recently. There are two sides.

Side One- "What I Want In A Guy":

Honest
Respectful of self and others
Confident
Believer
Worshiper
Loves children
Similar interests
Likes me for me
Compassionate
Smart
Loving
Trustworthy
Reliable
Fun
Enjoyable
Likes my family
Loves his family
Pure
Inner beauty
Compatible
Same beliefs/views

Side Two- "What I Don't Want In A Guy":

Disrespectful
Liar
Untrustworthy
Non-believer
Rude
Dislikes children
Dirty Mouth
Stuck up/self centered
No respect for my boundaries
Dislikes my family
Not family oriented
Know-it-all
Different interests
Cheater
Low self-esteem
Jealous

Though it's hard to say exactly what you want out of a relationship, I obviously knew myself pretty well because these are still applicable to my life. But when I look back at my past relationships, I can see where I strayed:

• The ones who don't find the time to text/call/talk to me. 

•  The ones who don't find the time to spend with me, take me on a date, show that he truly cares about me. 

•  The ones who think it's okay to disrespect me in any way. 

•  The ones who complain about spending money on me. I don't ask for things, I don't expect him to buy me anything. But an occasional date (movie, dinner, day at the museum) shouldn't be a burden on him. 

•  The ones who are jealous. Jealousy is not attractive. I have MANY male friends because that's how I grew up. Boys don't bring drama, they don't bicker about petty things, they are enjoyable. If a guy is jealous of my friendships and can't trust me, it's a no-go. 

•  The ones who like to only call/text late at night. We all know what that means. You're not getting anything from me. 

•  The ones who objectify women. Talking about me (or any girls, for that matter) as if I'm some kind of object is not something that I admire. 

One day, a handsome man in his Tony Llamas with an appropriate amount of facial hair will ride up in his beautiful Dodge listening to Jason Aldean and will proceed to sweep me off my feet as we drive through the country and gaze at the stars. BUT, until that dream comes true, I'm just going to enjoy my life. I'm going to listen to the 14-year-old Allison. She knew what she was talking about.

And the challenge begins.