Why are you single?

So, I got asked this annoying question again the other day: "Why are you single?"

First of all, he was a creep. And he said it in a very creepy, suggestive way. So I grabbed my $10 engagement ring out of my pocket and nonchalantly slipped it on my finger and told him "I'm not" as I continued to lift my drink with my ring finger conveniently placed in the front. But as he walked away, I really began to think about the answer.

The answer is simple. I have standards. People say that if you have low expectations, you won't be disappointed. And yes, this can be true. But in regards to relationships, I look at this very differently.

I was taught to have very high expectations of a man; Daddy said I deserve the best. Daddy was right. I have had incredible marriages modeled for me in my life: my grandparents, my sister and her husband, my mother and father. I have watched them love, I have watched them bend but not break, I have watched them grow, I have watched them worship. I have been fortunate enough to see loving marriages flourish in front of me. I have high standards when it comes to what I want in a life partner, a husband, a father to my children.

You see, if you set your expectations low, you will absolutely be disappointed. You will settle for someone that is not worthy of you. You deserve the absolute best. You deserve someone who loves all of you, forever. You deserve someone who knows your flaws and loves you because of them. You deserve someone who knows your weakness and builds you up when you're facing them. When you set your expectations low, you do not get that.

When you allow yourself to be with someone who simply meets your lowest standards, you may receive instant satisfaction in those shallow relationships. Perhaps that's why you settle for them. They bring you a sense of hope [though it's false hope]. But eventually that hope fades away and you are faced with another disappointment. No matter how big or how small, those disappointments will wear on your heart. One after another, they chip away at your heart; little pieces begin to fall. When that man, the one who loves everything about you, every part of you, every flaw, comes along, your shattered heart will be there unable to mend itself. It will be expecting the same thing, waiting for another piece to be torn away.

BUT when you allow yourself to only be with those who exceed your highest expectations, you will receive long-lasting satisfaction. Yes, you will face many, many disappointments and a lot of heartache. But is it not worth having life-long satisfaction with someone who loves you and supports you?

It's like a diet: Hello, coming from me, this is a huge analogy. I hate diets. They are so hard to stick to. But when you want to accomplish something, really accomplish something, you do it! You're down 30 lbs. You only have to lose 5 more to reach your goal. Do you eat the chocolate cake or do you suck it up and eat some fat-free yogurt and go for a walk with your dog?! YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT FOR YOUR DIET. DON'T RUIN IT NOW!

Do you settle for the really cute guy with the mediocre job that compliments you on your eyes and smile, but only texts you a few days a week and has other girls posting all over his Facebook? Or do you wait for the one who actively pursues you and shows you with his actions and his words that he is worthy of you, he is someone who deserves you? And equally that you deserve him?

I say this all to "you", though I'm also speaking for myself. This is something I have been struggling with for the last few years. I settle. It's not for very long, because I receive a little (although, usually not so little) reminder from the man upstairs. Sometimes, it takes a nudge; sometimes it takes a shove- off a cliff. Those relationships are short-lived and I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for that. I guess I just needed this creep to ask me why I was single to remind me that I have a very good reason for it:  I have standards, and I haven't met a man that has met them yet.

Dream a Little Dream

I woke up this morning with a feeling of emptiness. There was a sadness so deep inside of me that I didn't know how to fix it. 

And the worst part was, I didn't know where it came from. 

For the life of me, I couldn't recall anything from my dream. I didn't know who was in it. I didn't know what they said to me. I didn't know any details of what had happened. I didn't know why my heart was so broken. All I knew was that it was.

How can a dream affect our heart so vividly when our brain has no recollection? Don't the two usually go hand-in-hand. It seems that in my life, when I have been the most emotionally damaged, it is because I am constantly milling over the details. My heart is broken in two because my mind won't let my heart heal.

So what blade could have been so sharp that it could pierce my heart but not even graze my mind?!

I went on with my morning. I took my shower, I dried my hair, I put on my makeup and got dressed for the day. My heart continued to beat, despite the feeling of shallowness in my chest. I drove to work, weaved through the traffic, and parked in my usual parking spot. But it was far from routine. The music that played had no meaning. It had no feeling. My heart continued to beat, though the music didn't change its rhythm as it usually does. 

My students greeted me in the hallway, other children smiled and gave me their warm hugs on the way to the cafeteria, as always. It helped. I smiled. Then as they walked away, my brief feeling of joy floated away with them. 

What was happening? How could a dream melt away my happiness? Where was my joy?

I've heard that when you smile, you trick your brain into thinking you're happy. (Or some nonsense like that.) I don't know if it's true, but I told one of my students that the other day when he was having a really rough time and I thought, "Well, crap. I guess now I have to try it….". I put on my big girl smile and walked around all day. I laughed with everyone and talked with everyone like normal. I really was happy…when I was with people.

But, the moment that I was alone, that darkness crept in like a drifting fog. It covered every crevice, every thought in my mind. It was paralyzing. I couldn't see past it. And then, just when I thought I saw a clearing in the thickening fog, I realized it was even darker patches, darker emotions. All of a sudden, Dad popped into my mind. He always seems to appear when I can't handle any more and then I start to stumble backwards. It's as if I want to walk away, turn around, hide from him. I can't see him, I don't want to see him, I can't take any more hurt.

But maybe it's not that I can't handle any more; maybe it's that he's there to walk me out of the fog. He's there to grab my hand and lead me out. Not to push me back in.

My dad was the one I talked to when things were hard, when I needed someone to lean on. It wasn't that my mother couldn't be there for me; my mother couldn't be there for me in the same way. My mom and my brother were similar; my dad and I were similar. It's an analogy (says the former-journalist-turned-teacher) :

Mom : Kyle :: Dad : Allison

ANYWAY, I sat in silence for a little while longer with my memories of Dad; the memories in my mind were of our conversations, strangely. I think there was a reason for it. I remember him saying things like, "It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it", and "a mistake is only a mistake the first time you make it; then it becomes a choice", and "I don't give a rat's ass". That last one wasn't really important, I just really miss hearing him say it!

The point is, they were all things I really needed to hear. After those conversation "bits" flooded through my mind, those emotions just disappeared. It was almost as if my dream was locked away in some back closet in my brain and my dad had the key. And, boy, as soon as he unlocked it, that dream SHOT out of their like a "bat outta hell" (as my father used to say). P.S. My father didn't use a lot of profanity. It sure sounds like it from what I've said in the last two paragraphs, but he really didn't. He mostly said things like "Jiminy Cricket!" and "Doggone" instead, which always made me giggle. 

It amazes me how much a dream (INTERRUPTION: see definition below)

…as I was saying…It amazes me how much a dream, a vision, can affect our emotions. Something can happen in a dream with another person and we can wake up with legitimate anger toward them when nothing happened between us in real life! For us grudge holders that are working on letting things go, that is dangerous! But heartbreak is even more difficult. That's something that is hard to handle on a daily basis. How do you handle it when you don't know what broke your heart?

Well, there's one thing that can mend it no matter what broke it! I thank God for His mercy and grace and cling to it every day. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit." Psalm 147: 3-5