I love stimulating conversations.
I have recently begun a new friendship/relationship. His name is Brandon and he is wonderful! Every conversation we have turns into something deeper and more thought provoking. We can sit down to study for political science and end up talking about the meaning of life and the hardships we endure. He constantly encourages me in everything I do. He praises me for my talents, he helps me keep my chin up when life gets me down, he reminds me of my wonderful qualities. He confides in me, he trusts me with his secrets, he makes me feel special and important. He is a wonderful person.
Over the last two weeks, we have had several "deep" conversations. It's funny, I feel comfortable talking to him about anything. And the poor guy sits and listens to me blab on and on. And when I'm done talking, he responds. He actually listens to what I say, he hears what I say, he engages in a conversation. We talk about our past, present, and future. We talk about our thoughts, our hopes, our aspirations. We encourage each other. It's been a long time since I have had someone like him in my life.
Honestly, I can't express how grateful I am for him. I'm at a point in my life where I am questioning many things. I'm dealing with a lot. I have so many fears and thoughts and worries that I can't seem to let go of. But talking to this incredible man makes some of those worries and thoughts and fears easier to digest.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: My life is not hard. I find it challenging, but in comparison to what many others deal with each day, my life is not hard. I've never had it easy, either. I've always had to work for what I wanted. I'm thankful for that. If I want something, I will work my butt off until I get it. I don't want everything handed to me; I want the satisfaction of knowing I did it.
Life is not easy. But with wonderful people like Brandon and my best friends Mandy and Tricia and my sister Britini around me, it becomes a little bit easier to handle.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
I think out loud. Watch out, here I go.
"Life sucks, and then you die." -John "Chip" Miller, he has a point.
I have finally had time to relax and let life soak in. I've come to a few realizations. God reminded me about a few things that had apparently slipped my mind.
Looking at the stars is, to me, one of the best things in the world. I don't have to think about anything, I don't have to care about anyone. All of my thoughts, my worries, my troubles float to the stars. As I sat in the back of the truck the other night, I looked up and just watched. I felt so many emotions running through my body. They were all floating away.
I whispered "I miss you, Dad." At that moment, a shooting star flew across the sky. Tears began to flow down my face. It was a sad happy scary exciting moment. At that point, I wanted nothing more than to grab my dad and give him the biggest hug you could imagine. When reality sunk in, it began to hurt. But it reminded me that he is still there. He knows how to make my troubles disappear. And even though I can't physically come home and cry to him about everything and let him put my mind at ease, he manages to touch my heart.
Then I just laid there and let my mind wander.
I have made many mistakes in my life.
One mistake I seem to make a lot lately is putting my happiness in others' hands. I know that when I do that, I always end up heartbroken. They've let me down. I've been lied to, cheated on, disrespected, treated as second best or least important, and flat out traumatized emotionally. (For any future relationships that I may be lucky enough to endure, the poor guy will have to understand my damaged female brain.)
Either they decide I don't deserve to be treated well or they think they can trample all over me or they wait until I confide in them and then they rip my heart open.
I'm tired of letting others decide my happiness. You make your own happiness.
For those of you that have disrespected and looked down on me, I don't need you or your approval.
For those of you who thought you could walk out of my life and then try to squeeze your way back in, goodbye.
For those of you took my happiness and destroyed it, I hope you feel better about yourself.
**My joy no longer rests in you. My joy is found elsewhere.
I recently developed a great relationship with a new friend. He is wonderful. He reminds me to be optimistic. He doesn't let me get down on myself. I always tell him what's bothering me (and the poor guy listens) and tells me to be positive. He reminded my that joy does not come from others. You should really cherish every day and live it to its fullest. Life is too short to wish for something different. Live for the day, embrace life. Thank you, Brandon.
I hadn't seen my dad's family since before he died. I saw them for the first time in about 5 years on Thursday. Walking into their house, I felt a huge wave of emotions. I was so happy to be back. Growing up, I could not WAIT to get to John and Juanelle's house. It was the coolest place to go: they had video games, a big TV, an upstairs just for me and my brother full of awesome toys, food everywhere, and great company. I felt like I was back where I belonged. But I hadn't been there since before my dad died. It felt incomplete. I felt like if I walked out to the living room, he'd be sitting there watching football with Uncle John holding his spit cup in his hand and drinking from his huge water mug. But I never saw him, my heart never felt that relief. Being around the family again was just what I needed to remind me that life is so fragile. Family is important.
I keep saying there are so many things that I need to change. Then I sit back and wait until things start to change. But, they never do. I can't just sit around and wait for it to happen. I have to be the change. I have to make the changes. I have to put in effort to get out reward. I have a lot to work for and there's no better time to start than now.
I have finally had time to relax and let life soak in. I've come to a few realizations. God reminded me about a few things that had apparently slipped my mind.
Looking at the stars is, to me, one of the best things in the world. I don't have to think about anything, I don't have to care about anyone. All of my thoughts, my worries, my troubles float to the stars. As I sat in the back of the truck the other night, I looked up and just watched. I felt so many emotions running through my body. They were all floating away.
I whispered "I miss you, Dad." At that moment, a shooting star flew across the sky. Tears began to flow down my face. It was a sad happy scary exciting moment. At that point, I wanted nothing more than to grab my dad and give him the biggest hug you could imagine. When reality sunk in, it began to hurt. But it reminded me that he is still there. He knows how to make my troubles disappear. And even though I can't physically come home and cry to him about everything and let him put my mind at ease, he manages to touch my heart.
Then I just laid there and let my mind wander.
I have made many mistakes in my life.
One mistake I seem to make a lot lately is putting my happiness in others' hands. I know that when I do that, I always end up heartbroken. They've let me down. I've been lied to, cheated on, disrespected, treated as second best or least important, and flat out traumatized emotionally. (For any future relationships that I may be lucky enough to endure, the poor guy will have to understand my damaged female brain.)
Either they decide I don't deserve to be treated well or they think they can trample all over me or they wait until I confide in them and then they rip my heart open.
I'm tired of letting others decide my happiness. You make your own happiness.
For those of you that have disrespected and looked down on me, I don't need you or your approval.
For those of you who thought you could walk out of my life and then try to squeeze your way back in, goodbye.
For those of you took my happiness and destroyed it, I hope you feel better about yourself.
**My joy no longer rests in you. My joy is found elsewhere.
I recently developed a great relationship with a new friend. He is wonderful. He reminds me to be optimistic. He doesn't let me get down on myself. I always tell him what's bothering me (and the poor guy listens) and tells me to be positive. He reminded my that joy does not come from others. You should really cherish every day and live it to its fullest. Life is too short to wish for something different. Live for the day, embrace life. Thank you, Brandon.
I hadn't seen my dad's family since before he died. I saw them for the first time in about 5 years on Thursday. Walking into their house, I felt a huge wave of emotions. I was so happy to be back. Growing up, I could not WAIT to get to John and Juanelle's house. It was the coolest place to go: they had video games, a big TV, an upstairs just for me and my brother full of awesome toys, food everywhere, and great company. I felt like I was back where I belonged. But I hadn't been there since before my dad died. It felt incomplete. I felt like if I walked out to the living room, he'd be sitting there watching football with Uncle John holding his spit cup in his hand and drinking from his huge water mug. But I never saw him, my heart never felt that relief. Being around the family again was just what I needed to remind me that life is so fragile. Family is important.
I keep saying there are so many things that I need to change. Then I sit back and wait until things start to change. But, they never do. I can't just sit around and wait for it to happen. I have to be the change. I have to make the changes. I have to put in effort to get out reward. I have a lot to work for and there's no better time to start than now.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Blame it on the brain.
The brain is a funny thing. It does what it wants to do. You don't control it, it controls you.
The male brain and the female brain are vastly different. No woman can ever fully understand how a man's brain works. No man can ever fully understand how a woman's brain works. It's kind of like fact that no one will ever know which pain is worse: having a baby or getting kicked in the nuts. We all have our theories, but there's no way to experience both pains.
Now let's take a look at some differences between the brains...
Design:
Women like to design rooms in their home, fashion, knick knacks around the house, whatever. There's a creative gene. They see colors, patterns, shapes; they understand how all of the elements combine to create beauty. They like things to be done a certain way. They have a style and that's the way it will look. Period.
Men don't care.
"Honey, do you think this picture would look good right here? And what color should I paint this wall?"
"If you like it, I love it."
There's not much else to say here...
Sports:
Women might watch them to make their man happy or to seem sporty and cool. In reality, most women find most sports boring in large quantities. Some enjoy playing, some enjoy watching, but most are okay with missing the football game to watch Desperate Housewives. Women will talk throughout the whole game. They will comment on the colors of the uniforms, they will ask you about your day, they will ask questions every few minutes. They can't help it.
Men can't get enough of it. Don't ask them questions during the game. It puts them in a unfair position because they are physically incapable of listening to you and the game at the same time. Their brain automatically chooses to listen to the game. They can't help it. Don't expect them to remember what you talk about during the game either. Men will also yell at the TV because they think the ref or ump or whoever is making the calls will hear them and agree. Or that the players will understand how bad they're playing. Men control the game by yelling through the television...
Food:
Women think they need to watch what they eat. Food is evil to them. They have to think about what they eat, how much they eat, when they eat, what's in what they eat...it's hard work. Most of the time, when a woman offers to cook for a man, it means something. It's said that food is the way to a man's heart. There's a part of every woman's brain that knows this and thinks "I'm going to cook for him."
Men can't get enough of it. They like to eat it and smell it and watch women cook it. Men don't think about the calories. They don't care what is in it, how many carbs there are, what time it is, how much they eat. If it's there, they'll eat it. When a woman cooks for them, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. It usually means they got fed and they're happy.
Clothes:
Women want them to be clean and neat and smell good. When they've worn something once, they have to wash it before they can wear it again. They can NOT wear the same outfit too close together in time. People might notice. (most people don't notice, but the female brain says that everyone is staring at them because they wore this outfit two weeks ago...) Clothes must match and the colors can NOT clash. They have an eye for fashion. And it's a good thing because they're able to help the men out.
Men spray Fabreeze on their clothes and throw them back in the closet (not on a hanger, of course). In a man's mind, Fabreeze = clean. They will wear the same thing over and over again, simply because they don't give a crap. In a man's mind, brown goes with black and stripes go with plaid and up goes with down. They have no clue. That's why they have women.. :)
Driving:
Women are good. Plain and simple.
Men are not. Plain and simple.
That one was just to see if you were still paying attention.
Relationships:
Women want to feel special. They are romantic and want someone who caters to that. When you forget to text them, they think you forgot about them or you don't care about them. Most of them truly sit by the phone waiting to hear from you. A good morning text to a woman means that she was the first thing you thought of when you woke up. That can lift a woman's spirit so high. Women like to have the doors opened for them. Chivalry is not dead, but apparently most men who believe in it are. Women are complicated and hard to deal with in a relationship. But men aren't any better.
Men truly forget to call you back. They don't hate you, they don't "not want to talk to you". They just forgot. Men think they're being romantic when they do some things for you like take you to dinner. They don't understand the kind of "romance" that women desire. Sometimes, women need to understand that some of the things men do are romantic in their minds. I would comment a lot more on how a man's mind works in a relationship, but I clearly haven't figured that one out since I'm single and sitting on my couch alone in my sweatpants.
Men and women are so different. God made them that way for a reason. It's funny to watch some couples. My sister and her husband have taught me a lot. Some of it, they don't even realize. I watch them communicate. It's actually pretty humorous to an outsider. But as an outsider, I see what's going through both of their minds.
I also grew up in a house of boys. My mom and I were the estrogen. My dad, my brother, and all of his friends who lived at our house at some point in time were the testosterone. That hormone ruled the household. I learned a lot from that, though. I learned that mind games are pointless. If you want a man to know something, you need to tell him, directly. Don't skirt around the issue, don't hint at it and expect them to figure it out. TELL THEM. I've learned that if you want a man's honest opinion, you have to ask for the honest opinion. But, you also have to be prepared for it. I've learned that a man can't love you or respect you if you have no love or respect for yourself. That one was from my Daddy. That crazy old man taught me a lot.
Men and women just make life hard. It's everyone's fault. But, if we want to place the blame somewhere, it would have to be on the brain. All decisions, all understanding of life, all actions, all thoughts are because of the brain. Blame it on the brain.
The male brain and the female brain are vastly different. No woman can ever fully understand how a man's brain works. No man can ever fully understand how a woman's brain works. It's kind of like fact that no one will ever know which pain is worse: having a baby or getting kicked in the nuts. We all have our theories, but there's no way to experience both pains.
Now let's take a look at some differences between the brains...
Design:
Women like to design rooms in their home, fashion, knick knacks around the house, whatever. There's a creative gene. They see colors, patterns, shapes; they understand how all of the elements combine to create beauty. They like things to be done a certain way. They have a style and that's the way it will look. Period.
Men don't care.
"Honey, do you think this picture would look good right here? And what color should I paint this wall?"
"If you like it, I love it."
There's not much else to say here...
Sports:
Women might watch them to make their man happy or to seem sporty and cool. In reality, most women find most sports boring in large quantities. Some enjoy playing, some enjoy watching, but most are okay with missing the football game to watch Desperate Housewives. Women will talk throughout the whole game. They will comment on the colors of the uniforms, they will ask you about your day, they will ask questions every few minutes. They can't help it.
Men can't get enough of it. Don't ask them questions during the game. It puts them in a unfair position because they are physically incapable of listening to you and the game at the same time. Their brain automatically chooses to listen to the game. They can't help it. Don't expect them to remember what you talk about during the game either. Men will also yell at the TV because they think the ref or ump or whoever is making the calls will hear them and agree. Or that the players will understand how bad they're playing. Men control the game by yelling through the television...
Food:
Women think they need to watch what they eat. Food is evil to them. They have to think about what they eat, how much they eat, when they eat, what's in what they eat...it's hard work. Most of the time, when a woman offers to cook for a man, it means something. It's said that food is the way to a man's heart. There's a part of every woman's brain that knows this and thinks "I'm going to cook for him."
Men can't get enough of it. They like to eat it and smell it and watch women cook it. Men don't think about the calories. They don't care what is in it, how many carbs there are, what time it is, how much they eat. If it's there, they'll eat it. When a woman cooks for them, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. It usually means they got fed and they're happy.
Clothes:
Women want them to be clean and neat and smell good. When they've worn something once, they have to wash it before they can wear it again. They can NOT wear the same outfit too close together in time. People might notice. (most people don't notice, but the female brain says that everyone is staring at them because they wore this outfit two weeks ago...) Clothes must match and the colors can NOT clash. They have an eye for fashion. And it's a good thing because they're able to help the men out.
Men spray Fabreeze on their clothes and throw them back in the closet (not on a hanger, of course). In a man's mind, Fabreeze = clean. They will wear the same thing over and over again, simply because they don't give a crap. In a man's mind, brown goes with black and stripes go with plaid and up goes with down. They have no clue. That's why they have women.. :)
Driving:
Women are good. Plain and simple.
Men are not. Plain and simple.
That one was just to see if you were still paying attention.
Relationships:
Women want to feel special. They are romantic and want someone who caters to that. When you forget to text them, they think you forgot about them or you don't care about them. Most of them truly sit by the phone waiting to hear from you. A good morning text to a woman means that she was the first thing you thought of when you woke up. That can lift a woman's spirit so high. Women like to have the doors opened for them. Chivalry is not dead, but apparently most men who believe in it are. Women are complicated and hard to deal with in a relationship. But men aren't any better.
Men truly forget to call you back. They don't hate you, they don't "not want to talk to you". They just forgot. Men think they're being romantic when they do some things for you like take you to dinner. They don't understand the kind of "romance" that women desire. Sometimes, women need to understand that some of the things men do are romantic in their minds. I would comment a lot more on how a man's mind works in a relationship, but I clearly haven't figured that one out since I'm single and sitting on my couch alone in my sweatpants.
Men and women are so different. God made them that way for a reason. It's funny to watch some couples. My sister and her husband have taught me a lot. Some of it, they don't even realize. I watch them communicate. It's actually pretty humorous to an outsider. But as an outsider, I see what's going through both of their minds.
I also grew up in a house of boys. My mom and I were the estrogen. My dad, my brother, and all of his friends who lived at our house at some point in time were the testosterone. That hormone ruled the household. I learned a lot from that, though. I learned that mind games are pointless. If you want a man to know something, you need to tell him, directly. Don't skirt around the issue, don't hint at it and expect them to figure it out. TELL THEM. I've learned that if you want a man's honest opinion, you have to ask for the honest opinion. But, you also have to be prepared for it. I've learned that a man can't love you or respect you if you have no love or respect for yourself. That one was from my Daddy. That crazy old man taught me a lot.
Men and women just make life hard. It's everyone's fault. But, if we want to place the blame somewhere, it would have to be on the brain. All decisions, all understanding of life, all actions, all thoughts are because of the brain. Blame it on the brain.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The tough week..
The coming week seems to be the hardest week of the year for me. I get overly emotional about things, I cry at random times of the day, I think about things that I don't want to think about.
I was driving to work today and just started crying. I had to wipe my tears while I was trying to get on 35 in Denton (which, if you've ever driven in Denton, you know that's hard enough when you're paying complete attention) and tell myself to suck it up.
3 years ago, my life changed forever. People say it gets easier over time. I don't think it does. It hurts just as much. It just hurts in a different way. I find myself wondering what life would be like today if my dad were still here.
Sometimes I look at my life and feel guilty for being happy. If Dad was still here, I wouldn't have some of the things I love, I wouldn't know some of the people I adore, I wouldn't have had some of the experiences that I've enjoyed. I feel guilty.
I wish I could change things. I don't have regrets but I wish I had the power to change things. There have been some situations in my life that have been PERFECT...except for one little thing that changes the entire situation. He lives to far away, it costs too much money, they have a funny accent. I just wish everything would fall into place.
I am so thankful for my friends and family. They make everything okay. If I didn't have my best friend, Mandy, I don't know how I would make it through every day. I know I can count on her when I need a good cry or talk or stare...she helps me through the hardest parts of my life.
My sister is incredible. I would be lost without her. Her home is a place for me to go and feel safe and welcome. I know I can cry or laugh or talk about anything. I don't have to hide anything from her and she always knows what I'm thinking or feeling.
Tricia Abouabdo is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When my dad died, she literally got on the next flight out to Texas and came straight to my side. She knows when I need her (from the other side of the country). She fills my heart with happiness.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Some I would give anything to have back, and others I'm learning to live without. Maybe that's why it's so hard sometimes. But knowing that the few people I do have will never leave me makes things a lot easier.
So bring on the tough week. It's going to be super hard, but I think I can handle it. That's one thing my daddy left with me, strength.
I was driving to work today and just started crying. I had to wipe my tears while I was trying to get on 35 in Denton (which, if you've ever driven in Denton, you know that's hard enough when you're paying complete attention) and tell myself to suck it up.
3 years ago, my life changed forever. People say it gets easier over time. I don't think it does. It hurts just as much. It just hurts in a different way. I find myself wondering what life would be like today if my dad were still here.
Sometimes I look at my life and feel guilty for being happy. If Dad was still here, I wouldn't have some of the things I love, I wouldn't know some of the people I adore, I wouldn't have had some of the experiences that I've enjoyed. I feel guilty.
I wish I could change things. I don't have regrets but I wish I had the power to change things. There have been some situations in my life that have been PERFECT...except for one little thing that changes the entire situation. He lives to far away, it costs too much money, they have a funny accent. I just wish everything would fall into place.
I am so thankful for my friends and family. They make everything okay. If I didn't have my best friend, Mandy, I don't know how I would make it through every day. I know I can count on her when I need a good cry or talk or stare...she helps me through the hardest parts of my life.
My sister is incredible. I would be lost without her. Her home is a place for me to go and feel safe and welcome. I know I can cry or laugh or talk about anything. I don't have to hide anything from her and she always knows what I'm thinking or feeling.
Tricia Abouabdo is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When my dad died, she literally got on the next flight out to Texas and came straight to my side. She knows when I need her (from the other side of the country). She fills my heart with happiness.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Some I would give anything to have back, and others I'm learning to live without. Maybe that's why it's so hard sometimes. But knowing that the few people I do have will never leave me makes things a lot easier.
So bring on the tough week. It's going to be super hard, but I think I can handle it. That's one thing my daddy left with me, strength.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Ventilation
WARNING: The following is me incessantly bitching about what frustrates me. If you don't wanna hear it, I suggest you stop reading.
Things (you're thinking and I'm actually saying) that really make me mad sometimes...
People who put their headphones on and then turn the music up so loud that everyone around them can hear it. Seriously...?
When people talk obnoxiously loud on the phone on the bus. No one wants to hear you yell about what you had for dinner or what your BFF said to you last night.
When people ask a question in class that the professor literally just answered four and a half seconds ago.
People who think it's acceptable to leave the house in what they're wearing. Some things are just not socially acceptable.
**Men who think they're God's gift to women. Please stop acting like you are.
**Women who think they're God's gift to men. Please stop acting like you are.
When people smack their gum, I want to smack their face. Learn how to chew with your mouth closed or spit the gum out.
People who ask to "borrow" my homework. I realize you're going to give it back, so technically yes, you are borrowing. But that's after you STEAL my answers. No thanks.
Getting a million texts from someone after you don't respond. There's a reason I'm not responding. That reason is NOT because I want you to continue texting me...
Creepers who try to friend request you on Facebook. If you're from a foreign land and I've never met you, don't send me a message in broken English asking to be my friend.
Wal*Mart. I think this one is self explanatory.
When people expect you to know why they're mad. Hello? I'm no mind reader...
When I kindly lend out a pen because the sad girl next to me forgets to bring hers to class and asks to use mine. AND THEN LEAVES WITH IT. Pens are not free.
OKAY, enough about the people who make me mad. Let's move on to first world issues.
When you're running really late in the morning and you forget to put a new roll of toilet paper on the rack. And then you come home from class and run into the bathroom. Only to remember that this morning you were running really late and forgot to do something very important.
When you get everything out to cook dinner and realize you're missing one ingredient. But that ingredient is always something you have to have to cook...
When you sit down to watch TV and realize the remote is just far enough away that you have to get up to get it...
OR when you try everything imaginable (including virtually impossible, yet very creative methods) to reach something only to end up getting off your lazy butt to get it.
When you have a coupon and they tell you "the coupon code is not valid". THEN GIVE ME A NEW COUPON CODE.
When two shows that you want to watch come on at the same time and you have to decide which one to watch on Hulu the next day.
The list goes on and on. But I'm currently debating between which two shows I should watch in 10 minutes..so I need to go make that decision. Life is rough :)
Things (you're thinking and I'm actually saying) that really make me mad sometimes...
People who put their headphones on and then turn the music up so loud that everyone around them can hear it. Seriously...?
When people talk obnoxiously loud on the phone on the bus. No one wants to hear you yell about what you had for dinner or what your BFF said to you last night.
When people ask a question in class that the professor literally just answered four and a half seconds ago.
People who think it's acceptable to leave the house in what they're wearing. Some things are just not socially acceptable.
**Men who think they're God's gift to women. Please stop acting like you are.
**Women who think they're God's gift to men. Please stop acting like you are.
When people smack their gum, I want to smack their face. Learn how to chew with your mouth closed or spit the gum out.
People who ask to "borrow" my homework. I realize you're going to give it back, so technically yes, you are borrowing. But that's after you STEAL my answers. No thanks.
Getting a million texts from someone after you don't respond. There's a reason I'm not responding. That reason is NOT because I want you to continue texting me...
Creepers who try to friend request you on Facebook. If you're from a foreign land and I've never met you, don't send me a message in broken English asking to be my friend.
Wal*Mart. I think this one is self explanatory.
When people expect you to know why they're mad. Hello? I'm no mind reader...
When I kindly lend out a pen because the sad girl next to me forgets to bring hers to class and asks to use mine. AND THEN LEAVES WITH IT. Pens are not free.
OKAY, enough about the people who make me mad. Let's move on to first world issues.
When you're running really late in the morning and you forget to put a new roll of toilet paper on the rack. And then you come home from class and run into the bathroom. Only to remember that this morning you were running really late and forgot to do something very important.
When you get everything out to cook dinner and realize you're missing one ingredient. But that ingredient is always something you have to have to cook...
When you sit down to watch TV and realize the remote is just far enough away that you have to get up to get it...
OR when you try everything imaginable (including virtually impossible, yet very creative methods) to reach something only to end up getting off your lazy butt to get it.
When you have a coupon and they tell you "the coupon code is not valid". THEN GIVE ME A NEW COUPON CODE.
When two shows that you want to watch come on at the same time and you have to decide which one to watch on Hulu the next day.
The list goes on and on. But I'm currently debating between which two shows I should watch in 10 minutes..so I need to go make that decision. Life is rough :)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Brief update
I am incredibly happy.
I am fairly stressed and concerned about school. I'm learning to balance it with work.
But I am happy. It's nice to know that I still can be. Sometimes life gets you down. It's hard to get back up with life hits you in the face with a sack of bricks. But once you finally get back up, it takes a bigger hit to knock you down the next time.
My thought is that eventually, nothing can knock you over. Nothing can stand in your way. Nothing can stop you. I'm on my way to that point. I still get knocked over by some heavy blows, each one worse than the one before. But I jump back up and look life straight in the face and say "bring it on".
...looking back, that's probably not such a great idea because life brings it.
But like I said, I'm happy right now. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life. People who make me smile, make me happy, make me feel like I'm worth something. People who lift me up, hold my hand when I need a friend, let me talk when I need to vent, or let me listen to their life's issues so I can see that my life isn't really that rough.
I am happy. So for those of you who have helped me get to this point of bliss, thank you. You know who you are.
I am fairly stressed and concerned about school. I'm learning to balance it with work.
But I am happy. It's nice to know that I still can be. Sometimes life gets you down. It's hard to get back up with life hits you in the face with a sack of bricks. But once you finally get back up, it takes a bigger hit to knock you down the next time.
My thought is that eventually, nothing can knock you over. Nothing can stand in your way. Nothing can stop you. I'm on my way to that point. I still get knocked over by some heavy blows, each one worse than the one before. But I jump back up and look life straight in the face and say "bring it on".
...looking back, that's probably not such a great idea because life brings it.
But like I said, I'm happy right now. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life. People who make me smile, make me happy, make me feel like I'm worth something. People who lift me up, hold my hand when I need a friend, let me talk when I need to vent, or let me listen to their life's issues so I can see that my life isn't really that rough.
I am happy. So for those of you who have helped me get to this point of bliss, thank you. You know who you are.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I've learned from experience that..
*You never know when you're making a memory.
**Telling your parents you're at a movie when you aren't really at a movie can sometimes backfire.
**Not changing your oil on time can leave you stranded on a highway in the middle of the night.
**Dropping your phone repeatedly on the concrete will lead to imenent death of the phone.
**You never truly know when someone will be gone. Cherish every moment with everyone.
**If he doesn't respect you, he doesn't deserve you.
**If he only calls when he wants something, it means he only wants something. Dont give it to him.
**Using your debit card a couple times a day could lead to trouble when you try to fill up with gas and there's no money in your account.
**Pimples will ALWAYS pop up on picture day, whether you use proactive or clearasil or neutragena. it doesnt matter.
**Sometimes being nice to people can get you far in life.
**When you drop your straightener or curling iron, the initial response is to grab it....DONT!
**Security guards don't believe you when you say "it must have fallen into my purse".
**Blowing up army men and barbie dolls in the backyard will result in a phone call from the neighbors to the police.
**Stealing signs is VERY illegal.
**A friend is a friend, they come and go. A best friend is forever.
**When you're wearing a dress, don't stand over an air vent.
**You really do have to turn in homework...for a grade.
**No guy is worth the trouble. The right guy wont have that trouble.
**Once the foil is past your nasal cavity, you have to go to the hospital to get it out :/
**The heart does heal and you will love like this again--only when you do you'll deny ever loving like this before. (Meredith Rowe)
**Jumping on the beds at hotels makes the people in the room under you really really uncomfortable.
**the best things in life really are free.
**Life is serious, except when you take is sooo seriously. Then it just becomes dull.
and remember:
**Sometimes knowing things before prevents you from learning. and sometimes it prevents you from failing. use your judgement.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Honestly...The Truth Hurts
Sometimes the truth hurts. I am fortunate to have friends who speak their minds. My friends are honest and sometimes blunt, but it's usually necessary.
There has been a lot on my mind lately.
It's really hard to face the facts and notice the negative when, for so long, you've fought for the positive. When the red flags are raised, it's time to take a step back and read the fine print. That stupid fine print is the part that always gets you in trouble. It's the secret that someone has kept from you, it's the lie someone has told you, it's the ugly truth that lies beneath the perfections. Sometimes I wish I could just mark out the fine print and pretend it didn't exist. But as we all know, a time comes when those tiny little words at the bottom of the page determine the outcome.
Life is hard. I don't think it would be good if it was easy. If everything was handed to you, the perfect job; the perfect husband; the perfect family; the perfect everything, life wouldn't have the surprises, the romance, or the thrills. Granted, we wouldn't have the heartbreak, the sadness, or the fear, but LIFE itself would lose its glamour.
I've never had it "easy". I'm thankful that I've never had it "hard" either. But I've always had to work for what I wanted. I'm grateful for my parents because that is the woman they raised me to be. I don't believe in gliding through life. I am not the kind of girl who wants a boy to buy me everything. I don't expect to receive anything. I know I will get what I want because I will work until I do.
That being said, I'm not much of a decision maker. I always fear that I will make the wrong choice and regret it. I'm afraid to hurt someone else in the process. I don't want to look back and wonder "what if". I have several decisions to make in the near future. None of them are easy, and all of them will affect my life in many ways. All I can do is pray that the decisions I make are the right ones.
For those of you that are still reading, you're either really bored and have nothing better to do or you're a good friend. Either way, I never turn down advice. Like I said, my friends are honest with me and it makes my decisions a little more clear.
That's all for today. Thanks for reading! :)
There has been a lot on my mind lately.
It's really hard to face the facts and notice the negative when, for so long, you've fought for the positive. When the red flags are raised, it's time to take a step back and read the fine print. That stupid fine print is the part that always gets you in trouble. It's the secret that someone has kept from you, it's the lie someone has told you, it's the ugly truth that lies beneath the perfections. Sometimes I wish I could just mark out the fine print and pretend it didn't exist. But as we all know, a time comes when those tiny little words at the bottom of the page determine the outcome.
Life is hard. I don't think it would be good if it was easy. If everything was handed to you, the perfect job; the perfect husband; the perfect family; the perfect everything, life wouldn't have the surprises, the romance, or the thrills. Granted, we wouldn't have the heartbreak, the sadness, or the fear, but LIFE itself would lose its glamour.
I've never had it "easy". I'm thankful that I've never had it "hard" either. But I've always had to work for what I wanted. I'm grateful for my parents because that is the woman they raised me to be. I don't believe in gliding through life. I am not the kind of girl who wants a boy to buy me everything. I don't expect to receive anything. I know I will get what I want because I will work until I do.
That being said, I'm not much of a decision maker. I always fear that I will make the wrong choice and regret it. I'm afraid to hurt someone else in the process. I don't want to look back and wonder "what if". I have several decisions to make in the near future. None of them are easy, and all of them will affect my life in many ways. All I can do is pray that the decisions I make are the right ones.
For those of you that are still reading, you're either really bored and have nothing better to do or you're a good friend. Either way, I never turn down advice. Like I said, my friends are honest with me and it makes my decisions a little more clear.
That's all for today. Thanks for reading! :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
RULE #32
It's been a fantastic weekend! I spent time with friends and family and thoroughly cleaned the apartment.
I feel so blessed to have the people I have in my life. My sister, brother-in-law and nieces are so wonderful. They encourage me in everything I do. I enjoying spending time with them because I feel so surrounded with love, even when my brother-in-law is being a total butt head.
My mother is a wonderful woman. She has raised me to be a strong woman with a good head on my shoulders. I am proud of her for everything she has done. She has made a life for herself and manages to include my brother and I in it even though we are so busy.
My friends are my world. Everything really does happen for a reason. I have made some amazing friends this year that I wouldn't have met if I hadn't made some mistakes that led me down this path. My friends encourage me in all of my endeavors. They make me feel loved and wanted. I am happy to have them.
As I sit on my couch next to one of my best friends/roommate watching TV and eating dessert, I am reminded of the little things in life that make it so great. And because we watched Zombieland the other day, I will conclude by saying:
I feel so blessed to have the people I have in my life. My sister, brother-in-law and nieces are so wonderful. They encourage me in everything I do. I enjoying spending time with them because I feel so surrounded with love, even when my brother-in-law is being a total butt head.
My mother is a wonderful woman. She has raised me to be a strong woman with a good head on my shoulders. I am proud of her for everything she has done. She has made a life for herself and manages to include my brother and I in it even though we are so busy.
My friends are my world. Everything really does happen for a reason. I have made some amazing friends this year that I wouldn't have met if I hadn't made some mistakes that led me down this path. My friends encourage me in all of my endeavors. They make me feel loved and wanted. I am happy to have them.
As I sit on my couch next to one of my best friends/roommate watching TV and eating dessert, I am reminded of the little things in life that make it so great. And because we watched Zombieland the other day, I will conclude by saying:
RULE #32: Enjoy the little things.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
So, this is what relief feels like?
This semester has been crazy busy. Ya know, I never realized how much work "journalism" truly entailed until I signed up for these classes. Any free time that I thought I would have was quickly filled with last minute touch-ups or frantic redo's. The hardest part was that every time you thought you had completed a task, you were told to add another element, or remove this element, or switch these two elements, or throw away every element you had on the page and use new elements- that's the professors way of saying, "well that sucked, try again". Nothing was ever good enough.
It wasn't that the professors tore you to pieces, they just tore your WORK to pieces. I understand that is their job as journalism instructors to prepare you for the real world. But really, all that does is freak me out about the real world. Where the heck have I been living?! I was clearly mistaken in thinking that all this time, I've been living in the real world. According to these professors, I've been living in a fantasy world.
'SCUSE ME...if this was a fantasy world, I think it would be a hell of a lot different. My fantasy does not include spending my weekends filming a project, or taking off of work just to scrape up enough time to run to the lab, or spending sleepless nights laboring in front of a computer screen. There is a small chance that I will go cross-eyed before my college career is complete.
Now that I have torn apart the journalism industry, let me build it up a little. It has been a good experience. I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I have learned new technology, new techniques, and new skills. I have experience new things and met many new people. Even though it was incredibly stressful and time consuming, now that it is over, I can look back and say that I enjoyed [parts of] it.
And NOW THAT I'M DONE, I can enjoy many things that I missed this semester. Hello summer break! :):):)
It wasn't that the professors tore you to pieces, they just tore your WORK to pieces. I understand that is their job as journalism instructors to prepare you for the real world. But really, all that does is freak me out about the real world. Where the heck have I been living?! I was clearly mistaken in thinking that all this time, I've been living in the real world. According to these professors, I've been living in a fantasy world.
'SCUSE ME...if this was a fantasy world, I think it would be a hell of a lot different. My fantasy does not include spending my weekends filming a project, or taking off of work just to scrape up enough time to run to the lab, or spending sleepless nights laboring in front of a computer screen. There is a small chance that I will go cross-eyed before my college career is complete.
Now that I have torn apart the journalism industry, let me build it up a little. It has been a good experience. I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I have learned new technology, new techniques, and new skills. I have experience new things and met many new people. Even though it was incredibly stressful and time consuming, now that it is over, I can look back and say that I enjoyed [parts of] it.
And NOW THAT I'M DONE, I can enjoy many things that I missed this semester. Hello summer break! :):):)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Do you know anyone like him?
A man died for my sins. A man gave his life so that I could be free. A man was wrapped in cloth and placed in a tomb to cleanse me. This man was the son of God and he was raised from the dead.
Tomorrow we will celebrate the power and the glory of our God.
The candy is great.
Hunting for eggs is entertaining.
Gifts from...the easter bunny...are welcomed.
But the true meaning of Easter is the highlight of Spring.
Happy Easter!
God Bless.
Tomorrow we will celebrate the power and the glory of our God.
The candy is great.
Hunting for eggs is entertaining.
Gifts from...the easter bunny...are welcomed.
But the true meaning of Easter is the highlight of Spring.
Happy Easter!
God Bless.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
How Time Flies
It's crazy to look back at your life.
1990: I was born.
1990-2007: Elementary School- when the hardest part of my day was deciding which lunch line to stand in and who to sit by. Junior High and High School- The most dramatic time of my life. The time when every young persons' hormones are racing and rubbing up against the boy you liked in the hallway gave you butterflies in your stomach...I gained many friends and grew apart from many friends.
Summer 2008 - my last year of youth camp. Oh, that summer was great...until I got home. My mother told me that while I was gone, my father had overdosed on his medications. He was still alive, but my spirit was broken. I began to imagine a life without my dad and I couldn't handle it. My dad and I talked about it, a lot. Our relationship, one that had never really existed, began to flourish that summer. I told him everything and talked to him every day. He was the person I trusted the most in the world.
October 7, 2008- the worst day of my life. This was the night I came home from work to discover that my father was not there. At 11:12 PM the police shared with us where they had found him. My mom, my brother and I huddled in a circle in the living room and cried. This day changed my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. It tore my life apart, but yet, it built it up.
2009-2010: I graduated from high school and moved away from mom's house. I started college and a brand new life. My mom got married in November of 2009. 2010 started off wonderfully. I started dating a wonderful guy and my roommates were the best people you could imagine. Things were perfect...until they broke my heart.
April 2010: It is so hard to think that this was one year ago. A year ago, I sat in my room, heartbroken and alone. The four people that were the most important in my life no longer felt the same. He left me for his ex-girlfriend, and my 3 best friends pushed me away. I spent that entire month completely alone. If it weren't for the grace of God and Krystal Stroud, I don't know where I would be. That angel gave me the strength and the direction to move on from the "terrible four".
From then to now: The last year of my life has truly tested me. I am so thankful for the way things have turned out. I hate that I had to go through the heartache, but honestly, I think you have to face some heartache before you can truly be happy. I am at such a wonderful point in my life. I miss my father every day of my life and I am not happy that he is gone. But I am thankful for the time we did have together and for all the things he has instilled in me. I am a strong, smart, beautiful, thoughtful, honest, hardworking woman. I have my mother and my father to thank for that. Working through the obstacles in your life is what makes you strong and it is what makes the final destination so much better. Just being handed a wonderful life is not rewarding, but realizing what you had to overcome to get there is the best feeling in the world.
Time really does fly by. There are horrible times, and there are wonderful times. There are times that you wish you could go through again because they were so much fun, and there are times that you wish you could go through again so things would turn out differently. But no matter what times you have had in your life, you have been built up. Look at the person you are and be thankful for those who got you to that point.
1990: I was born.
1990-2007: Elementary School- when the hardest part of my day was deciding which lunch line to stand in and who to sit by. Junior High and High School- The most dramatic time of my life. The time when every young persons' hormones are racing and rubbing up against the boy you liked in the hallway gave you butterflies in your stomach...I gained many friends and grew apart from many friends.
Summer 2008 - my last year of youth camp. Oh, that summer was great...until I got home. My mother told me that while I was gone, my father had overdosed on his medications. He was still alive, but my spirit was broken. I began to imagine a life without my dad and I couldn't handle it. My dad and I talked about it, a lot. Our relationship, one that had never really existed, began to flourish that summer. I told him everything and talked to him every day. He was the person I trusted the most in the world.
October 7, 2008- the worst day of my life. This was the night I came home from work to discover that my father was not there. At 11:12 PM the police shared with us where they had found him. My mom, my brother and I huddled in a circle in the living room and cried. This day changed my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. It tore my life apart, but yet, it built it up.
2009-2010: I graduated from high school and moved away from mom's house. I started college and a brand new life. My mom got married in November of 2009. 2010 started off wonderfully. I started dating a wonderful guy and my roommates were the best people you could imagine. Things were perfect...until they broke my heart.
April 2010: It is so hard to think that this was one year ago. A year ago, I sat in my room, heartbroken and alone. The four people that were the most important in my life no longer felt the same. He left me for his ex-girlfriend, and my 3 best friends pushed me away. I spent that entire month completely alone. If it weren't for the grace of God and Krystal Stroud, I don't know where I would be. That angel gave me the strength and the direction to move on from the "terrible four".
From then to now: The last year of my life has truly tested me. I am so thankful for the way things have turned out. I hate that I had to go through the heartache, but honestly, I think you have to face some heartache before you can truly be happy. I am at such a wonderful point in my life. I miss my father every day of my life and I am not happy that he is gone. But I am thankful for the time we did have together and for all the things he has instilled in me. I am a strong, smart, beautiful, thoughtful, honest, hardworking woman. I have my mother and my father to thank for that. Working through the obstacles in your life is what makes you strong and it is what makes the final destination so much better. Just being handed a wonderful life is not rewarding, but realizing what you had to overcome to get there is the best feeling in the world.
Time really does fly by. There are horrible times, and there are wonderful times. There are times that you wish you could go through again because they were so much fun, and there are times that you wish you could go through again so things would turn out differently. But no matter what times you have had in your life, you have been built up. Look at the person you are and be thankful for those who got you to that point.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Luck
Is there really such a thing? We use this word a lot. Think about it.
* You're so lucky that you found the man of your dreams.
* You're so lucky that you passed that test even though you didn't study.
* You're so lucky you got that job.
* You're so lucky to have wonderful friends.
I don't believe that luck is necessarily the reason for most things. Yes, it's commonly what we chalk our fortunes up to, but there's more to it. Look under the surface.
*The man of your dreams is hard to find, but it's not luck that brings him to you. It's patience and faith. You deserve someone as great as him, you aren't just lucky.
*Sure, you passed your test, but more than likely it's because you listened in class and did your assignments. You know the material - you didn't get lucky.
*They finally called you back for an interview and you got the job. I bet that had something to do with your job experience and wonderful report in your interview. And your job history and incredible recommendations probably helped. Not your "luck".
*Friends are so important in life and yours are amazing. You feel so lucky to have them. They're in your life because you are a wonderful person and you treat them the way they want to be treated. They love you and want to stick around. You didn't luck into getting great friends, you earned them and you keep them.
Sorry if I sound like a Debbie Downer, I just don't necessarily think luck plays a huge part in my life. I think, at least for me, anything that people may think was "lucky" was actually a result of hard work or dedication or faith or strength or fate. It bothers me when people say "you're so lucky..." as if they aren't. I work hard for the things I have and I didn't luck into getting them.
* You're so lucky that you found the man of your dreams.
* You're so lucky that you passed that test even though you didn't study.
* You're so lucky you got that job.
* You're so lucky to have wonderful friends.
I don't believe that luck is necessarily the reason for most things. Yes, it's commonly what we chalk our fortunes up to, but there's more to it. Look under the surface.
*The man of your dreams is hard to find, but it's not luck that brings him to you. It's patience and faith. You deserve someone as great as him, you aren't just lucky.
*Sure, you passed your test, but more than likely it's because you listened in class and did your assignments. You know the material - you didn't get lucky.
*They finally called you back for an interview and you got the job. I bet that had something to do with your job experience and wonderful report in your interview. And your job history and incredible recommendations probably helped. Not your "luck".
*Friends are so important in life and yours are amazing. You feel so lucky to have them. They're in your life because you are a wonderful person and you treat them the way they want to be treated. They love you and want to stick around. You didn't luck into getting great friends, you earned them and you keep them.
Sorry if I sound like a Debbie Downer, I just don't necessarily think luck plays a huge part in my life. I think, at least for me, anything that people may think was "lucky" was actually a result of hard work or dedication or faith or strength or fate. It bothers me when people say "you're so lucky..." as if they aren't. I work hard for the things I have and I didn't luck into getting them.
***Well, Allison, what about winning the lottery?!Good point. You can't exactly win the lottery using your hard work, intelligence, skills, dedication, or even pulling your shirt down low enough for the clerk behind the counter...perhaps that is luck. Or maybe it's just timing - you happened to get the right ticket at the right time. I don't know. But for the majority of my experiences, luck is not the reason. If you feel so unlucky, try patience and hard work! :)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
When one door closes, another one opens.
My mom has told me this for years. You never want to hear it because you're too preoccupied worrying about the closed door. You feel like there has to be a way to open it again. But the truth is, behind that door lies a part of your past. Whether it's a person, a lifestyle, a job, or an idea, it is not meant to be a part of your future.
You have to simply change direction and look for a new opening. Like a parent with their child, God would never trap you in a room and risk your life with no way out. The thing is, sometimes we feel like that is exactly what is happening.
When that "relationship" door closes, we wander around looking for another door. But honestly, when do we ever find what we're looking for? It's when we stop looking! It's in a place you wouldn't expect, a place you thought you had already looked. Then you meet that guy at work who makes you smile like a school girl. Good thing that crappy "energy company working - ex girlfriend loving - empty nothingness of a future" boyfriend closed the door.
Sometimes the door is like an entry to a casino- BRIGHT LIGHTS, big doors, and tons of people flowing through it. No question about it, you know where to go! Sometimes it's more like the hole that those pesky bugs get through- you just can't find it anywhere! But there IS a door. Or a window. Or at least a little peep hole that you can peer through while you're waiting for God to finish building the stupid door you're looking for. Either way, there is a way out. When the time is right, you will find it, it will open, and you will discover something glorious. Now we just have to work on finding the patience we need to wait for that time.
I'm done reflecting now. Time to get some sleep because I have a door opening in the morning and I can't wait to see the person on the other side! :):)
You have to simply change direction and look for a new opening. Like a parent with their child, God would never trap you in a room and risk your life with no way out. The thing is, sometimes we feel like that is exactly what is happening.
...Our boyfriend dumps us and the world comes to a STOP. Our life cannot continue if he is not sitting next to us holding our hand and giving us a shoulder to cry on. COME ON LADIES, think this through. Think about the ex-boyfriend that you cried over. Where is he now? Who is he dating? What is his job? Most of the time, his future is looking pretty bleak. Now, is that the future you want for yourself? Personally, I don't want a boyfriend who is hooked on his ex-girlfriend, working for some crappy energy company driving a car around all day and coming home smelling like sweat and death, heading in a direction with no education and no purpose...
When that "relationship" door closes, we wander around looking for another door. But honestly, when do we ever find what we're looking for? It's when we stop looking! It's in a place you wouldn't expect, a place you thought you had already looked. Then you meet that guy at work who makes you smile like a school girl. Good thing that crappy "energy company working - ex girlfriend loving - empty nothingness of a future" boyfriend closed the door.
Sometimes the door is like an entry to a casino- BRIGHT LIGHTS, big doors, and tons of people flowing through it. No question about it, you know where to go! Sometimes it's more like the hole that those pesky bugs get through- you just can't find it anywhere! But there IS a door. Or a window. Or at least a little peep hole that you can peer through while you're waiting for God to finish building the stupid door you're looking for. Either way, there is a way out. When the time is right, you will find it, it will open, and you will discover something glorious. Now we just have to work on finding the patience we need to wait for that time.
I'm done reflecting now. Time to get some sleep because I have a door opening in the morning and I can't wait to see the person on the other side! :):)
Friday, April 1, 2011
Short and Sweet.
Sometimes a little alone time does the soul good.
I wrote a song tonight.
I started learning piano when I was about 10 years old.
I loved it.
I think most of the reason was because I had an amazing teacher!
Her family and our family really bonded.
I babysat her daughter and I used to spend the night with them and eat pizza and watch movies.
It was altogether a wonderful experience.
Now, playing piano is an escape.
My fingers just flow across the keys and the music fills my ears.
It brings a smile to my heart.
More recently, I have had a lot of time to sit and practice and reminisce.
My emotions flow through my body and come out of the tips of my fingers.
It is such a refreshing feeling to let them out in a productive way.
I'm no Whitney Houston or Adele, but I can sing when I want to.
My heart is softer tonight as I sing at the top of my lungs with no one around to hear.
<3
I wrote a song tonight.
I started learning piano when I was about 10 years old.
I loved it.
I think most of the reason was because I had an amazing teacher!
Her family and our family really bonded.
I babysat her daughter and I used to spend the night with them and eat pizza and watch movies.
It was altogether a wonderful experience.
Now, playing piano is an escape.
My fingers just flow across the keys and the music fills my ears.
It brings a smile to my heart.
More recently, I have had a lot of time to sit and practice and reminisce.
My emotions flow through my body and come out of the tips of my fingers.
It is such a refreshing feeling to let them out in a productive way.
I'm no Whitney Houston or Adele, but I can sing when I want to.
My heart is softer tonight as I sing at the top of my lungs with no one around to hear.
<3
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A Little Ranting and Raving.
I am blessed. I have a wonderful God and amazing friends that he has put in my life.
There is someone in my life right now that makes me feel like everything will be okay. He's physically far away from me, but I have never felt closer to somebody. No matter how I feel, just seeing his name pop up on my phone makes me smile. He can turn every grey cloud into a ray of sunshine. When there are things in my life that weigh me down, he lifts that burden. His words comfort me in ways that I never would have imagined. He is strong, loyal, dedicated, honest, and wonderfully caring. I am thankful for him and I miss him.
I have a best friend that is also physically far away. She is, by far, the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's funny, when I feel like there's no reason to go on...her name will appear on my phone beside a message that says "I love you". She knows when I need her and I don't even have to tell her. My life would not be worth living without her and her amazing family. Her mother is my mother, her father is my father. I look forward to spending all of my life with her by my side. Our children will be best friends whether they like it or not! I am so thankful for her and her family.
My brother and my sister are the best support system in the world. There are times when my brother makes me want to rip my hair out of my head. Most of those times it's because he's trying to play "dad" and help my mom. I know he means well but I don't like that side of him. He is the only person on earth who appreciates my humor. I will literally call him during the day to tell him something that I think is funny because I know nobody else will laugh. Hearing that laugh just gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm a funny girl. And my sister, man is she crazy! She is my role model. Her life is the life that I want one day. The relationship that she has with her husband, the life she has with her daughters, and the path that her family is on just makes me realize that there really is hope out there. Her home is a safe haven for me when I need a place to cry, a place to laugh, or just a place to dance all night and then crash. I am so thankful to have them in my life.
My best friend, Mandy, is one of the greatest people I know. The girl is strong, smart, and beautiful, and she makes me feel all of these things, too. I know if I ever need to get away, I just need to call her. We can drive 10 minutes away from our homes and feel like we are on another planet. We can talk for hours and I always feel better. No matter what is going on in my life and in hers, I know that we can help each other. I am so thankful for such a wonderful, trustworthy, loyal friend.
My roommate is amazing. I didn't know where my life was headed this summer. I had signed a lease to live in an apartment with three other people. I was so excited...until they decided otherwise. There are a lot of things involved there that I won't get into, but I was (pardon my french) scared shitless. I was being placed in an apartment with three strangers. I think my daddy might have had a little something to do with the outcome (him and God are bff) because I got lucky. This girl is someone that I can talk about things with for hours. Any time I'm angry, I talk to her. And the best part is, the poor girl puts up with it. I am so thankful for such a wonderful roommate and friend and I look forward to a long friendship.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Family and friends have slowly drifted away. Every time it happens, a little piece of my heart goes with them. When my dad passed away, a huge piece of my heart left with him. But because of the people I've mentioned, my heart has been rebuilt. Like any wound, the heart can heal. But, just like a superficial wound, the heart is scarred. The heart is the center of the body; without it, life ceases to exist. All things are controlled by the brain and powered by the heart. The two work together. When the heart is scarred, the brain is scarred. There are things that you will never forget and it affects the decisions you make for the rest of your life. You will avoid driving down certain roads or listening to specific songs or even eating special foods JUST in the hopes of avoiding negative emotions. I have done these things and more. But I have reached a point in my life where I am ready to confront those emotions. I just have to remember that these important people in my life will be there to mend my broken heart. Here begins a long journey.
Am I ready?
There is someone in my life right now that makes me feel like everything will be okay. He's physically far away from me, but I have never felt closer to somebody. No matter how I feel, just seeing his name pop up on my phone makes me smile. He can turn every grey cloud into a ray of sunshine. When there are things in my life that weigh me down, he lifts that burden. His words comfort me in ways that I never would have imagined. He is strong, loyal, dedicated, honest, and wonderfully caring. I am thankful for him and I miss him.
I have a best friend that is also physically far away. She is, by far, the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's funny, when I feel like there's no reason to go on...her name will appear on my phone beside a message that says "I love you". She knows when I need her and I don't even have to tell her. My life would not be worth living without her and her amazing family. Her mother is my mother, her father is my father. I look forward to spending all of my life with her by my side. Our children will be best friends whether they like it or not! I am so thankful for her and her family.
My brother and my sister are the best support system in the world. There are times when my brother makes me want to rip my hair out of my head. Most of those times it's because he's trying to play "dad" and help my mom. I know he means well but I don't like that side of him. He is the only person on earth who appreciates my humor. I will literally call him during the day to tell him something that I think is funny because I know nobody else will laugh. Hearing that laugh just gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm a funny girl. And my sister, man is she crazy! She is my role model. Her life is the life that I want one day. The relationship that she has with her husband, the life she has with her daughters, and the path that her family is on just makes me realize that there really is hope out there. Her home is a safe haven for me when I need a place to cry, a place to laugh, or just a place to dance all night and then crash. I am so thankful to have them in my life.
My best friend, Mandy, is one of the greatest people I know. The girl is strong, smart, and beautiful, and she makes me feel all of these things, too. I know if I ever need to get away, I just need to call her. We can drive 10 minutes away from our homes and feel like we are on another planet. We can talk for hours and I always feel better. No matter what is going on in my life and in hers, I know that we can help each other. I am so thankful for such a wonderful, trustworthy, loyal friend.
My roommate is amazing. I didn't know where my life was headed this summer. I had signed a lease to live in an apartment with three other people. I was so excited...until they decided otherwise. There are a lot of things involved there that I won't get into, but I was (pardon my french) scared shitless. I was being placed in an apartment with three strangers. I think my daddy might have had a little something to do with the outcome (him and God are bff) because I got lucky. This girl is someone that I can talk about things with for hours. Any time I'm angry, I talk to her. And the best part is, the poor girl puts up with it. I am so thankful for such a wonderful roommate and friend and I look forward to a long friendship.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Family and friends have slowly drifted away. Every time it happens, a little piece of my heart goes with them. When my dad passed away, a huge piece of my heart left with him. But because of the people I've mentioned, my heart has been rebuilt. Like any wound, the heart can heal. But, just like a superficial wound, the heart is scarred. The heart is the center of the body; without it, life ceases to exist. All things are controlled by the brain and powered by the heart. The two work together. When the heart is scarred, the brain is scarred. There are things that you will never forget and it affects the decisions you make for the rest of your life. You will avoid driving down certain roads or listening to specific songs or even eating special foods JUST in the hopes of avoiding negative emotions. I have done these things and more. But I have reached a point in my life where I am ready to confront those emotions. I just have to remember that these important people in my life will be there to mend my broken heart. Here begins a long journey.
Am I ready?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Reflection
"There is a time for everything...
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
My father was an amazing man. He lived his life in a way that glorified God. He believed that living a wise life would lead his children into doing the same. He was an amazing husband to my mother, an amazing son to my grandmother, and the most amazing father I could imagine. Everything he did and everything he said has a huge impact on me to this day. I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am if things had gone differently.
I don't agree that ending your own life is ever okay. It is never a good choice, it never helps the family, it never ends well. But I know who my father was and why he made his decision. As much as I wish it hadn't happened, part of me is glad that it did. I miss him every day, in a different way. Sometimes it's just because I want to tell him about what happened in class or what grade I made on a test. Sometimes I hear our song on a commercial or the radio. Sometimes I can swear I hear his voice or see him walking through a crowd. My heart sinks inside my chest when reality hits.
There is a time to be born and a time to die. God makes that decision, perhaps it was his time. Maybe it wasn't as much "his time to go" as "our time to lose him". I think the events in my life that have happened after his death are important. I honestly believe that everything I have gone through has made me into the strong yet weak, independent yet dependent, smart yet naive, beautifully troubled young woman that I am. And I am thankful for it.
There is a time to plant and a time to uproot. My life was planted firmly in the ground. I was happy with the way my life was going. The people in my life were wonderful and made life feel wonderful. But the night I came home and found his note on his desk, my life was uprooted. It still is. I don't think there's enough soil in the world to firmly plant my life in the ground. What was once normal to me will never again be normal.
There is a time to kill and a time to heal. To kill is to destroy. My life was completely destroyed, my idea of normal was gone, nothing felt okay. It is my time to heal, and it will be that way for the rest of my life. It's a hard process. I rely on my best friend, my family, and my amazing God to get me through it all.
There is a time to tear down and a time to build up. There are many days in my life that I break down. My heart breaks, my mind freezes, my world stops. But since the day my Dad left this earth, I have been building up. My dad always said "whatever you are, be a good one". I don't know what I am yet, or who I will be. So for now, I will try to be the best person I can be to honor my father.
There is a time to weep and a time to laugh. My dad always laughed at things that people shouldn't laugh about. His excuse was "you either have to laugh or cry. And I'm a man, I don't cry". I weep, and then I laugh.
There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I choose not to mourn my father's life but rather to celebrate it. When I think about how wonderful he was, my heart floats, my mind dances across memories. I celebrate life.
There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain. My father and I are alike. He always spoke his mind and he never gave up. If he wanted something accomplished, he did it. There was so holding him back. He embraced life, as do I.
There is a time to search and a time to give up. I searched for answers. The question that always arises after tragedy is Why me? Why now? The day before my birthday, of my senior year of high school. Before graduation, marriage, children. Sometimes the answer is just "because".
There is a time to keep and a time to throw away. I keep every memory of him. I keep every paper he gave me, every picture taken, every phrase uttered and I keep it. The day may come where I can physically rid of them, but they will always remain.
There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Knowing how to tell the difference between these will keep you humble. Like my daddy, I can get my way using only my words and my wit. But sometimes our words don't glorify God. Intelligence is knowing the difference.
There is a time to love and a time to hate. I love my life, but sometimes I hate what has happened. I hate that I can't stop by my parents' house and give my dad a hug. I hate that I can't call him after a rough day and just cry on the phone like I used to. I hate that when my world is crashing around me, the one person that always understood my every emotion is no longer here to sit with me, talk with me, cry with me. This man that meant the world to me is gone. And I hate that.
There is a time for war and a time for peace. My emotions play games sometimes. They fight one another. Happiness is in the lead until I'm sitting at Chili's with friends and see a man who resembles my father. Then panic sets in, followed by fear, and anger, and sadness. I can't live a life where my emotions are constantly battling. I must find a place of peace. I'm currently searching.
As I am faced with a similar situation in my [childhood] best friend's life, I think about the wonderful legacy my father left. Those who knew him, knew how great he was. His work ethic was one of perfection. His devotion was so true and honest. His virtues were strong and deliberate. "Your true value is seen by who you are, not by what you have" he always told me. He never made a promise that he didn't keep. He never lied, he never cheated, he never even got a speeding ticket. No human can be perfect, but this man was as close as you could get. His presence is missed by many every day and will be for years to come. But I am thankful for knowing him and everything that he stood for.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I busted my butt.
So we've been snowed/iced in our apartment for three days now. I'm slowly losing my mind. So we decided to venture out to Wal-Mart for some entertainment. We did actually make it there this time. Of course, due to my movie addiction, I purchased three movies. I also got some wood to work with and some hot cheetos to munch on.
Before we even left the complex, I slipped on a tricky patch of ice that looked like an innocent pile of soft snow and fell on my butt. Unfortunately, it was the top of my butt, which is the bottom of my back...the part where I have a bulging disc. So, I've been in a little bit of pain. However, thanks to modern technology and western medicine, I have drugs and a stimulater that helped relieve the pain. Now I just have a really cute bruise across my back. Was is worth the trip to Wal-Mart?
So now it is another night of relaxing, watching tv, and enjoying the company of my roommates. The prediction of more snow tomorrow makes me a very happy girl! I love to lay in my bed by the window and watch the snow fall from the sky. It truly makes you realize how great God is. Seeing his creation covered in a soft white blanket of snow brings joy to my day. We'll see how tomorrow goes! Stay warm and enjoy the weather!
Before we even left the complex, I slipped on a tricky patch of ice that looked like an innocent pile of soft snow and fell on my butt. Unfortunately, it was the top of my butt, which is the bottom of my back...the part where I have a bulging disc. So, I've been in a little bit of pain. However, thanks to modern technology and western medicine, I have drugs and a stimulater that helped relieve the pain. Now I just have a really cute bruise across my back. Was is worth the trip to Wal-Mart?
ABSOLUTELY!!! I HAD TO GET OUT OF THIS DANG APARTMENT.
So now it is another night of relaxing, watching tv, and enjoying the company of my roommates. The prediction of more snow tomorrow makes me a very happy girl! I love to lay in my bed by the window and watch the snow fall from the sky. It truly makes you realize how great God is. Seeing his creation covered in a soft white blanket of snow brings joy to my day. We'll see how tomorrow goes! Stay warm and enjoy the weather!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Umm, hey. It's snowing.
 |
| this is where we kinda froze to death. |
We thought it would be a good idea to run to Wal-Mart for some snackage and drinkage. However, like I've said before, God has a sense of humor. We made it out of the apartment complex and through one stoplight before the people in front of us came to a stop. Naturally, we also stopped. This is where our problem began; once we stopped, we couldn't get enough traction to start again. Carson was driving, so I got out to push. This was clearly a brilliant idea since I have the strength of 1,000 men.
As you could have guessed, my incredible strength was just not enough. Erin got out to help just as a few friends pulled up in a truck behind us and got out to help. Please, get this image in your head:
An orange Jeep Liberty is stuck across two lanes of traffic. 4 small females are pushing behind it with all their might. One white SUV with two poor excuses for men inside FLY past them. Not a single person offers to help. Did you get an image? Well now take that image and add rainboots to the girls' feet, colorful scarves and gloves, and a concerned expression on Carson's face. I don't know if the image in your mind will come close to how funny it really was.
We finally got the Jeep into a parking lot and walked back to our apartment. However, we did manage to stop at a gas station on the way home. You can't leave thinking you'll return with delicious snacks and then return empty handed!! We walked back home in the ice and snow. After that adventure I have two things to say:
1. Those stories our parents tell us about how they
walked to school in 10 feet of snow, barefoot, uphill
are all total crap.
2. If I had to walk to school in 10 feet of snow, barefoot,
uphill, both ways, I would go to school a lot less
than I do now.
Quote of the Day:
"I'm pretty sure there is snow in my butt crack!"
--Carson Tully: after making a snow angel.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, the WORST day of the week.
So my Monday starts at 7:00 when I wake up and ends when I get home at 6:30. Except, of course, I have to watch Pretty Little Liars at 7:00. THEN my day is over.
I drive to school, fight for a parking spot, run from one class to another all day and then briskly walk back to my car in the parking lot. I then proceed to FLY (carefully: avoiding police) to work, spend 3 lovely hours with the children at work, and finally go home and cook dinner.
But, today was different. Today was a terrific Monday. When I got to the parking lot, I didn't have to fight to the death or play chicken with another car to obtain my parking spot. I didn't have to park at a meter and I didn't even have to park in the BFE parking lot that only 5 people even know exists. I found a nice, close spot!
^^Awesome moment #1
My lab in the morning was cancelled and then I went to my 3 hour Computer Application for Journalists class. Keep in mind, this class is 3 hours of a mixture of lecture and work-mind numbing, not gonna lie. We usually have about an hour to work on an assignment that is due at the end of class and then an additional assignment due the following Monday. WELL, today I finished the in-class assignment in 10 minutes and almost completed next Monday's assignment.
^^Awesome moment #2
My allergies were awful all day. I carried enough tissues in my pocket to feed all of China, kind of like my grandmother does. Funny enough, I also had peppermints filling the other pocket...like my grandmother. The fact that my joints ached all day makes this whole "like my grandmother" thing seem like a reality. But anyway, I chose not to take my kids outside at work today. And it's a good thing!! It started sprinkling. Only in Texas can it be 65 degrees all weekend and -5 degrees the following Wednesday... Instead, we played basketball in the gym and practiced our poetry. (..because it's poetry week, not because I enjoy torturing my children) It was actually an incredibly quick, enjoyable workday!
^^Awesome moment #3
And finally, I returned home after stopping for some much needed Chick-fil-A for dinner. I figured since it wasn't my typical horrible Monday, I shouldn't have my typical home-cooked dinner. Great choice! I think I lost like 1 pound when I was sick this week so I needed to put it back on. Then I ate my dinner and watched Pretty Little Liars. I really need to remember not to shave on Monday mornings because I always get goosebumps all over my body when I watch that darn show. If you don't watch it, don't judge me. You couldn't possibly understand!
^^Awesome moment #4
So, for a Monday, 4 "awesome moments" isn't too shabby.
Last but not least, I will introduce the quote of the day. Basically, these will be among the funniest, saddest, strangest, or just plain ridiculous things I've heard during the day.
"Why you are just the prettiest little white thing
I've seen in these parts all day long!"
-Strange Old Lady at Chick-Fil-A
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