Pain is such a complicated feeling.
As humans, we feel pain in so many ways. We feel physical pain, we feel emotional pain. Sometimes we feel it when we're happy, we always feel it when we're sad. It doesn't get better with age, it doesn't make any more sense as we become more wise.
I think the pain that hurts the worst is when your heart breaks, but the tears don't fall. It's like your brain is trying to tell you that you should have expected it. Part of you was expecting it all along. Now that the pain has finally made its way to your heart, your brain has moved on. You would give anything to cry, make the pain go away, but you can't.
I am smart. My father always told me, my mother always told me, my friends always told me.
I know I'm smart, but I also know that I make a lot of stupid decisions. My problem is that, all too often, I think with my heart. Sometimes that's a good thing, but often it is quite the opposite.
Tonight, my heart hurts. I have let my heart lead me down a path that I knew would not end well. As I sit on my couch and dwell on fond memories and feelings, the tears have finally started flowing. Not because my heart hurts, but because I realize the stupid decisions I have made in following my heart and not my brain. I let my heart believe something that my brain knew was wrong.
Pain is such a complicated feeling.
I can count on two hands the number of people that I love. People that I truly love, that truly love me.
I don't mean "love".
I don't mean they tell me things they think will make me feel good because they want to feel good.
I don't mean they say "I love you" because that's what they're supposed to say.
I don't mean they shell out empty promises to me.
The people I love (and that love me) promise the world, and they mean it.
They tell me they love me because how they really feel can't be expressed in words.
They tell me things that they think will make me feel better, only because they want to be there in my time of need.
Those are the people I love.
Sadly, I can count them on two hands.
Like I said before, I think my brain was just waiting for this moment. It knew all along. It tried to show me the signs, but my heart blew it off. It tried to warn me, but my heart ignored it. Now it's telling my heart "I told you so", and my heart is feeling the pain.
I have let my heart believe this lie for far too long. It will be so hard to convince my heart that it is untrue, to convince my heart to move on. But I will try. Fortunately, those people that I can count on two hands will be there for me.
My heart and my brain deserve better. Now I just have to wait for better to come along. ...And I need to buy a new communication system for my brain and my heart: they are going to have to start communicating better before the other organs start a riot.
