The holidays are upon us once again. I love the holiday season!
I love the smell of pumpkin and cinnamon.
I love the naked trees, still so full of life when the wind blows and their branches sway.
I love the smell of a fire drifting from a family's fireplace.
I love the cheer that fills peoples' hearts.
Christmas brings out such wonderful things.
But I hate the holidays.
I remember how much I miss the smell of Dad's Skoal Wintergreen Long Cut.
I miss watching Christmas movies with him.
I miss him building a fire and passing the burden of keeping it alive on to the rest of us.
I miss the cheer that filled my heart.
Christmas brings out the pain in my heart.
When everything starts to get turned inside out and upside down and right side up and outside in, my brain begins to wander to some dark places. I try to walk out of it, but without the flashlight in my hand, I begin to trip over some thoughts. This is what I tripped on today:
I am not a person who deals well with change. However, 6 years ago, my life changed forever. I am still trying to learn how to adjust. Everything changed: the person I share my burdens with, my career path, the way we spend our holidays. So, every year when the holidays come back around, I am initially filled with such excitement. And it slowly starts to drain.
I wish I could stand like a tree. I wish I could dig my roots deep into the soil and not move. I wish I could sway gracefully back and forth with the wind. I wish that I had a season where all of my dead leaves, my burdens, my troubles, my anxieties, would fall to the ground and blow away.
A tree stands tall, living off of the only things it needs- nourishment from the soil and water.
It does not want more than it is given; The Lord provides for it.
It does not stop breathing when its leaves fall to the ground; it thrives.
It doesn't topple in the powerful winds; it demonstrates its flexibility.
I want to stand tall, living off of what I need- The Lord's nourishment for my soul.
I want to flourish with what I'm given; The Lord provides for me.
I want to be flexible, knowing that I will not fall.
I wish I could be like a tree, firm in what I know.
As a child, you are told what to do and when to do it. As a young adult, you're still often told what to do and when to do it. However, you're offered a little more flexibility in your decisions. As an adult, you make your decisions. You are raised to be a thinker, to weigh the consequences in decision-making. It is only fair that you get to make your choices as an adult. Unfortunately, you also face your consequences.
Growing up, I was taught that "the choices you make today affect the choices you can and cannot make tomorrow". I have lived this, as well. I have made some choices that have affected me greatly. I have learned a lot of lessons; most of them the hard way. I have lost some friendships and some relationships- those have been both choices and consequences. Life constantly changes and I get caught up in the whirlwind, losing sight of where my roots should be planted. That's when my vision becomes blurry and I begin to make decisions for the wrong reasons.
No longer. My decisions will be made based on what I know, what I believe. My decisions will be just that- MY decisions. Those who get in the way and try to to blow me down with their powerful winds should know that I have my roots planted firmly in the ground, in The Word. You can hurt my feelings, but you can't hurt my heart that is held tightly in the hands of The Lord. You can push me away, but you can't push me off the edge. You can watch my leaves fall, but I don't want you there to pick them up.
This holiday season, I will not be knocked down. I will not let the dark corridor of thoughts and emotions be my path. I will break through to an open path; one lined with memories, family, friends. I am excited to celebrate Christmas for what it is- the birth of my Lord and Savior. I will sit alongside my family and celebrate the freedom we have through Christ. I will not be dragged down, but rather, I will lift Him up.
