I know that I'm intelligent. I know that I have many talents. I know that I am capable of so many things. I know that I am independent, yet sometimes I rely on others. I am smart, but there is always something to learn. I am strong, but sometimes the weakness overtakes me.
But the "I'm not good enough" voice is always in the back of my head - whispering, yelling, echoing through my thoughts.
In school, I always had A's. When I got to my senior year, I decided I didn't want to try so hard. I wanted to enjoy my learning. There was one class that was SO HARD for me - AP Anatomy with Janet Williamson. For most of that class, I battled the "I'm not good enough". She helped me through that by telling me how great I really am.
Then I lost my dad. I lost one of my biggest supporters. I lost a person who constantly told me he believed in me and that no matter what I did, I would be great at it. That continues to push me to this day.
I have my mom. She supports me. But losing a parent, one of the only people who will tell you how much you mean to them even when you're failing…that makes things feel impossible sometimes.
I have had terrible relationships, as we all have. Each one of them has pointed out some kind of flaw that I have. I have to find the person who loves every one of my flaws. Instead, I find the ones who point them out. Each time, I crawl back a little farther into my hole.
I went to college. I graduated. I got a degree. I couldn't get a job in the field that I thought I was meant for. After lots of prayer, I realized my calling was teaching. I enrolled in graduate school. While I was doing that, I started substitute teaching. As a sub, I always felt like people talked down to me because I was "just a sub". Then I got hired!! I got to work at an amazing school with an amazing [work] family. Then I was sometimes made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just an aide". Then I got to leave the Elementary and go student teach at a high school. Then I was made to feel like I wasn't good enough because I was "just a student teacher".
Then I officially got my certification. I spent a summer searching for jobs and constantly getting turned down or receiving nothing at all. I felt more defeated during that summer that I can remember feeling in a long time. Two days after I applied for my current job, I got an interview. Two days after my interview, I got the job offer. I felt "good enough" for the first time in a long time.
Then the year started and I became "just a first year teacher" to some. This is when I realized that I will always seem like "less than" to someone.
There will always be someone
smarter
faster
more experienced
stronger
better.
I have achieved SO MANY things. I should be SO PROUD of myself. I think losing one of my biggest supporters has been a huge reason for this constant feeling of "not enough". I'm caught in this downward spiral of achieving something amazing and then finding something else that I need to make better. I need to be in the moment. I need to be satisfied. I need to allow myself to feel accomplished and proud.
I don't say any of this looking for attention or affection or affirmation. I say this because if it is something that I struggle with to this extent, someone - somewhere - struggles with the same thing.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
However, regardless of anyone's opinion of you, it is important to remember just how valuable you are.
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10
