A lot of big changes have happened in my life over the last 5 years. I lost my father, graduated from high school, moved away from home, graduated from college, and faced many challenges in between each of these milestones. One things has remained constant, God's love for me. The times that I feel like I have nothing, he finds a way to remind me that I have everything. Sometimes it's a whisper in the dark and sometimes it's a shout! Tonight was a shout. As I was driving home, thinking about the many things that have been weighing so heavily on my heart, this song came on. I was reaching to change the station when I hit the volume and accidentally cranked it up. It was just what I needed. He is the positive in my world filled with negative. When I stumble, He helps me up. When I make mistakes, He forgives. When I question, He answers.
Forever Reign - Hillsong United
You are good, You are good
when there's nothing good in me.
You are love, You are love
on display for all to see.
You are light, You are light
when the darkness closes in.
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin.
"When there's nothing good in me."
There are times when I feel this way. I feel as though negativity is running through my veins. All the good things in my life seem so meaningless. Satan grabs ahold of me tight and doesn't let go. There is nothing good in me. Though people don't use those exact words, that is what I hear. I make mistake after mistake, bad decision after bad decision. I'm not good enough for that job, I'm not smart enough for that graduate program, I'm not trying hard enough to make things work with them. There is nothing good in me.
He is good, He is good.
"When the darkness closes in."
Sometimes my depression kicks me, hard. All my happiness quickly turns to sadness and the dreams fade to black. My aspirations disappear and my drive to succeed dwindles. My faith withers away and Satan's grip on me tightens. Darkness creeps into my body, into my mind, into my life. There is a small light at the end of this long tunnel that seems impossibly far away, though I know it's not.
He is light, He is light.
You are peace, You are peace
when my fear is crippling.
You are true, You are true
even in my wandering.
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing.
You are life, You are life
in You death has lost it's sting.
"When my fear is crippling."
My fear has always crippled me. I can ride a roller coaster that puts my stomach in knots or climb a ladder to reach the top of the warehouse and look down at the ground beneath me. I can even wade into the ocean and try to pretend there aren't any sharks around. But I can't face my fear of the unknown, of the future. I want to know where I'm going to live when my apartment contract ends in six months. I want to know how I'm going to make money when I leave this job. I want to know how this will work out and how that will work out. But life doesn't always work that way. I haven't gotten "the job", I haven't found "the place to live", I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with in a year...or six months...or two weeks. I have to remember that He does.
He is peace, He is peace.
"Even in my wandering."
This is something I have been so good at in my life. I wander. I think that I can get through it, I don't need help, I know what I'm doing. He reminds me of how ignorant that really is. There have been multiple times in my life where things or people have been removed from my life because I was putting them first. Freshman year of college, I had four people that I spent all of my time with. In one weekend, all of them left my life. It was their decision to walk away from me. I was so hurt and my life started to fall apart. I turned to God because I had nowhere else to go, and the pieces of my life slowly began to fall into place. I know now why they left: because God needed them to. It was a hard way to learn it, but He showed me which path I was on and which one I needed to be on. My downfall is that when I wander, I don't look back. I keep walking (holding onto my stubbornness) until God has to pull the earth out from under my feet and send me the right way. And every time, the emptiness fades and the wholeness returns.
He is true, He is true.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
You are more, You are more
than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord
all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here
in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God
of all else I'm letting go.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
My heart will sing
no other name,
Jesus, Jesus.
Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
will always be enough.
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.
********************************************
Sometimes it's a whisper and sometimes it's a shout. You won't hear either one if you aren't listening.
