People have asked me many times in my life what depression is like. It's associated with sadness, and that is definitely one of the emotions that you experience in those dark moments. But depression isn't just about being sad. It isn't a choice. People with depression don't actively choose to be unhappy.
Being depressed is like being chained to the floor in a pitch-black room. You can't see anything around you. You don't know how to get out. You fight and fight to try to escape from these chains until your body is beyond exhausted and you have to take a break. You lay back, completely drained of energy, thinking about how terrible you feel and how awful this situation is. You're lonely, and sad, and scared and you just want to get up and walk out.
But you can't.
After you rest, you begin to feel some sense of hope again. You calmly sit up and take a deep breath as you once again attempt to break those chains. Then, you feel something bump into your leg. You reach down and feel a flashlight at your side. You switch it on and immediately the whole room is illuminated. You see a key on the ground next to you and you use it to unlock the chains.
You feel silly, stupid almost, for having fought so hard when you could have "easily" just gotten up and walked out. The key was right there the whole time. But when you were surrounded by that darkness, you didn't feel hope, you felt fear...you felt alone and exhausted. You couldn't see a way out.
If someone had been sitting in the corner of that room trying to give you a pep talk, it would not have given you the strength to snap that metal.
If they sat there while you thrashed in your chains saying "you'll get through it", the metal would not have magically released you.
If they had said "just get up and walk out of the darkness", it doesn't mean you would have gotten very far before you reached the end of your metaphorical leash.
Simply cheering someone on or trying to "send them positivity" doesn't make it possible for them to do the impossible.
You need a flashlight in the darkness.
Depression leaves you in a dark dungeon that you can't escape from. There's no magic word, there's no secret path. It's something that only you can release yourself from. The trick is, like being chained in the dark, you don't really know HOW to release yourself. Until the light finds its way back into your life, you are trapped.
There's a difference between having depression and BEING depressed. I have lived with depression for my entire adult life and half of my teenage years. I have fought that battle, I have been locked in that dungeon, I have searched for so many flashlights. But it doesn't mean that I am always sad or angry or lost. It is, however, beyond my control. I don't get to decide when the darkness comes. It sneaks right in - usually at the most inopportune times.
This is the first summer break that I have actually taken as a teacher. I have always worked because I know that my brain functions better with schedule and routine. But this year, I knew my brain would function best with rest and relaxation. It didn't take long for that depression to kick me right in the ass.
I found myself scrolling aimlessly through social media. I watched people enjoy time with their families, fall more in love with their significant others, and go on amazing trips around the world. I watched all of this from the comfort of my couch. And I slowly began to feel as though my life was not as "magical" as everyone else's. I compared myself to the people on the other side of my screen. I found myself wishing I could do all the things that everyone else was doing.
After spending a long time chained to the floor of my own dark dungeon, I realized how silly it all was. I was letting social media tell me how wonderful or miserable my life was. I was letting people that I met at a party one time and subsequently ended up friending on Facebook dictate my emotions. I decided I didn't want that anymore. I didn't want to see the happiest moments of everyone else's life when I was living some of the hardest ones of mine.
Stepping away from all of it was the best decision I could've made. There are parts about it that I miss, but in all honesty, it was like breaking an addiction. Once I stopped doing it and filled my time with things that were so much more meaningful, I didn't really think about it.
Yes, I posted this blog on my Facebook page - is that hypocritical? I sure hope you don't think so. I'm not here to tell you how wonderful my life is. In fact, I've been struggling more in the last few months than I have in a LONG time. I guess I'm just here for the one person that reads this and realizes they aren't the only one struggling through life.
You don't get to choose your emotions when you have depression. But you do get to choose how to deal with it. This is me dealing with it.
