"When it rains, it pours."
MAN has that been proven true in my life. Sometimes my life is chugging along- a force to be reckoned with. Then, all of a sudden, something falls. Everything else dominoes behind it.
My flaw:
- When all the pieces of my life are falling into place, I feel at peace. I am strong, I am confident, I am powerful. The Lord is on my side and I can feel his presence. Nothing can get in my way.
- …Until something gets in the way. Those pieces that fit together so flawlessly are suddenly tearing apart. One thing after another goes wrong. My life seems to be defined by a single word: malfunction. Suddenly, I am weak, I am vulnerable, I am helpless. I don't feel God near me. I feel alone and scared and I don't want to fight.
The last several days have been a true test for me. My anxiety surfaced with a vengeance after another "domino effect". I found myself curled up on the floor crying out to someone, something. But this time, I didn't know what I was crying out for. The feelings surging through my body were those of desolation and uncertainty. Had I chosen the right path for my life? Was it even my choice? Was I listening and following or was I searching and leading? In my life, I have always felt for The Lord's outstretched arms in my times of trouble. I have always found peace in Him. I can call out His name and this calm rushes over my body. But not this time.
This time, I could feel nothing. I could think nothing. I wanted… nothing. I was scared, truly scared. Even when my father took his own life, I didn't question my god. I didn't ask him why He would put me through this or why He would let my dad make this decision. I relied on my faith. I knew that there was something more; I knew this would be a part of my life, His plan.
But as I was curled up on my bedroom floor resting in a puddle of tears, I didn't feel that. I didn't feel His presence. I didn't feel His arms comfort me. I questioned Him - out loud. He was obviously not there for me. I obviously didn't choose the path He wanted for me because if I had, I wouldn't be hurdling all these obstacles. I know this is absurd, being in my right mind. But at that moment, nothing was right.
We are not only the body of Christ; we are Christ's physical body. We are His hands that touch others' lives. We are His feet that walk this earth to spread His word. We are His eyes that see the good in this world and in others. I reached out to someone, a part of Christ's body, that I knew would help shine a light and lead me out of the darkness. We went to church last night- to worship, to listen, to reflect, and to hear The Lord speak through someone. It was everything I needed.
The Lord suffers when we suffer. He is our father and he does not wish pain upon us. He is a gracious God, extending his love to us. It is up to us to receive it. As I sang to The Lord, lifting my hands to Him, I felt Him enter my body. I felt His arms wrap around me. I heard the words flow through my spirit.
You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises you've made. I was sitting on the shore and He called me out into the waves, into all the things that were falling down around me. I had to be brave, as He has made me, and persevere through the powerful waves crashing into me. I need to use the strength that He has given me, the wisdom He has given me, the will He has given me. When I get through these waves and pass through to the calm seas, I will be stronger in Him.
I will let go of my fears, for He has promised provision. I will let go of my anxieties, for He has promised me comfort. I will let go of my feelings of loneliness, for he Has promised me love. While these waves crash around me, I will hold fast to His promises and trust in Him.
