"Life sucks, and then you die." -John "Chip" Miller, he has a point.
I have finally had time to relax and let life soak in. I've come to a few realizations. God reminded me about a few things that had apparently slipped my mind.
Looking at the stars is, to me, one of the best things in the world. I don't have to think about anything, I don't have to care about anyone. All of my thoughts, my worries, my troubles float to the stars. As I sat in the back of the truck the other night, I looked up and just watched. I felt so many emotions running through my body. They were all floating away.
I whispered "I miss you, Dad." At that moment, a shooting star flew across the sky. Tears began to flow down my face. It was a sad happy scary exciting moment. At that point, I wanted nothing more than to grab my dad and give him the biggest hug you could imagine. When reality sunk in, it began to hurt. But it reminded me that he is still there. He knows how to make my troubles disappear. And even though I can't physically come home and cry to him about everything and let him put my mind at ease, he manages to touch my heart.
Then I just laid there and let my mind wander.
I have made many mistakes in my life.
One mistake I seem to make a lot lately is putting my happiness in others' hands. I know that when I do that, I always end up heartbroken. They've let me down. I've been lied to, cheated on, disrespected, treated as second best or least important, and flat out traumatized emotionally. (For any future relationships that I may be lucky enough to endure, the poor guy will have to understand my damaged female brain.)
Either they decide I don't deserve to be treated well or they think they can trample all over me or they wait until I confide in them and then they rip my heart open.
I'm tired of letting others decide my happiness. You make your own happiness.
For those of you that have disrespected and looked down on me, I don't need you or your approval.
For those of you who thought you could walk out of my life and then try to squeeze your way back in, goodbye.
For those of you took my happiness and destroyed it, I hope you feel better about yourself.
**My joy no longer rests in you. My joy is found elsewhere.
I recently developed a great relationship with a new friend. He is wonderful. He reminds me to be optimistic. He doesn't let me get down on myself. I always tell him what's bothering me (and the poor guy listens) and tells me to be positive. He reminded my that joy does not come from others. You should really cherish every day and live it to its fullest. Life is too short to wish for something different. Live for the day, embrace life. Thank you, Brandon.
I hadn't seen my dad's family since before he died. I saw them for the first time in about 5 years on Thursday. Walking into their house, I felt a huge wave of emotions. I was so happy to be back. Growing up, I could not WAIT to get to John and Juanelle's house. It was the coolest place to go: they had video games, a big TV, an upstairs just for me and my brother full of awesome toys, food everywhere, and great company. I felt like I was back where I belonged. But I hadn't been there since before my dad died. It felt incomplete. I felt like if I walked out to the living room, he'd be sitting there watching football with Uncle John holding his spit cup in his hand and drinking from his huge water mug. But I never saw him, my heart never felt that relief. Being around the family again was just what I needed to remind me that life is so fragile. Family is important.
I keep saying there are so many things that I need to change. Then I sit back and wait until things start to change. But, they never do. I can't just sit around and wait for it to happen. I have to be the change. I have to make the changes. I have to put in effort to get out reward. I have a lot to work for and there's no better time to start than now.
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