I'm Not Thankful for What I Have

I haven't been able to spend much time with my thoughts lately. Unfortunately, when I don't filter through my thoughts, they begin to mess with my emotions. Last night, I was so overwhelmed and over-exhausted that I decided to take today off - a "mental health day" if you will.

I've spent my morning in a coffee shop listening to conversations about Christmas plans and new boyfriends and life's troubles. And while it has been nice to be able to just sit, I have been reminded of a thought that recurs often. I am not thankful for what I have.

Don't get me wrong, I am so appreciate of the things that I have. I have worked so hard for them. But I have realized that what I am the most thankful for - the most appreciative of - is all the things I didn't have.

I am so thankful that I didn't have a place to live:

• Because I was blessed with an amazing family that welcomed me into their new home. They had a child and raised her while I lived under their roof. They provided comfort and support. They offered words of wisdom when I didn't request them but The Lord was pressing on their hearts because He knew it was what I needed.
• Because I was blessed with family that opened their doors to me. They allowed me to take over part of their house. They cooked for me and loved on me when I was at my lowest point. They helped me through one of the hardest phases of my life. And even though I'm no longer living there, they love me and care for me continuously. 
• Because now that I have an apartment of my own with my fur child and my own space and can live on my own time frame, I am filled with joy. I appreciate being on my own because I know how hard I worked. I know that up to this point, I have not legitimately had a place that I could call my own.

I am so thankful that I didn't have a car:

• Because I had to learn to rely on others. I had to learn that it's okay to ask for help. I had to learn that possessions do not define a person. I had to learn that the value of my things does not define my value.
• Because my eyes were opened to just how amazing my best friend is. I have a friend who is willing to give me her car with no strings attached - no questions asked. My friend is willing to give me a car that SHE worked so hard to buy so that I could continue going to work.
• Because I busted my butt to save up enough money to get my own car and give my friend her car back. And now that I have it, I love it. It is not fancy, it is not perfect, and I do not care. I worked so hard to have it and I accomplished that.

I am so thankful that I didn't have a job:

• Because I was made aware of just how amazing my friends and family are. When I was working 40+ hours a week and making a total of $0.00 every month, they stepped up and took care of me. People fixed meals for me, took me to eat, bought me things that I needed and even things that I didn't need.
• Because I learned to really value my work. I was challenged to continue doing my best work even though there was technically no incentive. I was not being paid to do my job and I was not being acknowledge for the work I was doing; I had to remind myself of who I am and how I was raised so that I could continue to do my best work when I felt that I shouldn't have to.
• Because I made some amazing friends and I learned some amazing things. The Lord knew what he was doing when he placed me there. I wouldn't have the job I have today if it weren't for the experiences I had and the people I came in contact with.

I am so thankful that I didn't have my life figured out:

• Because I learned that it's okay to not know.
• Because I learned that the struggle is worth the reward.
• Because I got to experience so many things and meet so many people on the long journey.
• Because God reminded me that the plan I made for myself was not the plan He made for me. Had I continued down the path I was on, there is no telling where I would be. I can only imagine that I would be working some 60-hours-a-week job and hating my existence. I would be stressing for reasons other than I face now. I would be unhappy for reasons other than I am now. I would hate my job more often than I love it.
• Because the journey I am on is ever-changing and wonderful. Every day I get to do what I love and change lives. Even if it isn't clear every day, I am reminded when I need it the most.

I am so thankful for all of the things I didn't have. They make the things I do have even more incredible.

When I first got hired for my job, I was so excited that I would be able to have all of these things that I had "gone without". I was so excited to have a steady paycheck and a new car and a nice apartment of my own. My eyes were on the wrong prize. I'm thankful for this journey that continues to remind me of what is truly important.