And the worst part was, I didn't know where it came from.For the life of me, I couldn't recall anything from my dream. I didn't know who was in it. I didn't know what they said to me. I didn't know any details of what had happened. I didn't know why my heart was so broken. All I knew was that it was.
How can a dream affect our heart so vividly when our brain has no recollection? Don't the two usually go hand-in-hand. It seems that in my life, when I have been the most emotionally damaged, it is because I am constantly milling over the details. My heart is broken in two because my mind won't let my heart heal.
So what blade could have been so sharp that it could pierce my heart but not even graze my mind?!I went on with my morning. I took my shower, I dried my hair, I put on my makeup and got dressed for the day. My heart continued to beat, despite the feeling of shallowness in my chest. I drove to work, weaved through the traffic, and parked in my usual parking spot. But it was far from routine. The music that played had no meaning. It had no feeling. My heart continued to beat, though the music didn't change its rhythm as it usually does.
My students greeted me in the hallway, other children smiled and gave me their warm hugs on the way to the cafeteria, as always. It helped. I smiled. Then as they walked away, my brief feeling of joy floated away with them.
What was happening? How could a dream melt away my happiness? Where was my joy?I've heard that when you smile, you trick your brain into thinking you're happy. (Or some nonsense like that.) I don't know if it's true, but I told one of my students that the other day when he was having a really rough time and I thought, "Well, crap. I guess now I have to try it….". I put on my big girl smile and walked around all day. I laughed with everyone and talked with everyone like normal. I really was happy…when I was with people.
But, the moment that I was alone, that darkness crept in like a drifting fog. It covered every crevice, every thought in my mind. It was paralyzing. I couldn't see past it. And then, just when I thought I saw a clearing in the thickening fog, I realized it was even darker patches, darker emotions. All of a sudden, Dad popped into my mind. He always seems to appear when I can't handle any more and then I start to stumble backwards. It's as if I want to walk away, turn around, hide from him. I can't see him, I don't want to see him, I can't take any more hurt.
But maybe it's not that I can't handle any more; maybe it's that he's there to walk me out of the fog. He's there to grab my hand and lead me out. Not to push me back in.My dad was the one I talked to when things were hard, when I needed someone to lean on. It wasn't that my mother couldn't be there for me; my mother couldn't be there for me in the same way. My mom and my brother were similar; my dad and I were similar. It's an analogy (says the former-journalist-turned-teacher) :
Mom : Kyle :: Dad : Allison
ANYWAY, I sat in silence for a little while longer with my memories of Dad; the memories in my mind were of our conversations, strangely. I think there was a reason for it. I remember him saying things like, "It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it", and "a mistake is only a mistake the first time you make it; then it becomes a choice", and "I don't give a rat's ass". That last one wasn't really important, I just really miss hearing him say it!
The point is, they were all things I really needed to hear. After those conversation "bits" flooded through my mind, those emotions just disappeared. It was almost as if my dream was locked away in some back closet in my brain and my dad had the key. And, boy, as soon as he unlocked it, that dream SHOT out of their like a "bat outta hell" (as my father used to say). P.S. My father didn't use a lot of profanity. It sure sounds like it from what I've said in the last two paragraphs, but he really didn't. He mostly said things like "Jiminy Cricket!" and "Doggone" instead, which always made me giggle.
It amazes me how much a dream (INTERRUPTION: see definition below)
…as I was saying…It amazes me how much a dream, a vision, can affect our emotions. Something can happen in a dream with another person and we can wake up with legitimate anger toward them when nothing happened between us in real life! For us grudge holders that are working on letting things go, that is dangerous! But heartbreak is even more difficult. That's something that is hard to handle on a daily basis. How do you handle it when you don't know what broke your heart?
Well, there's one thing that can mend it no matter what broke it! I thank God for His mercy and grace and cling to it every day. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit." Psalm 147: 3-5
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