Reflection

"There is a time for everything...

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

My father was an amazing man. He lived his life in a way that glorified God. He believed that living a wise life would lead his children into doing the same. He was an amazing husband to my mother, an amazing son to my grandmother, and the most amazing father I could imagine. Everything he did and everything he said has a huge impact on me to this day. I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am if things had gone differently.

I don't agree that ending your own life is ever okay. It is never a good choice, it never helps the family, it never ends well. But I know who my father was and why he made his decision. As much as I wish it hadn't happened, part of me is glad that it did. I miss him every day, in a different way. Sometimes it's just because I want to tell him about what happened in class or what grade I made on a test. Sometimes I hear our song on a commercial or the radio. Sometimes I can swear I hear his voice or see him walking through a crowd. My heart sinks inside my chest when reality hits.

There is a time to be born and a time to die. God makes that decision, perhaps it was his time. Maybe it wasn't as much "his time to go" as "our time to lose him". I think the events in my life that have happened after his death are important. I honestly believe that everything I have gone through has made me into the strong yet weak, independent yet dependent, smart yet naive, beautifully troubled young woman that I am. And I am thankful for it.

There is a time to plant and a time to uproot. My life was planted firmly in the ground. I was happy with the way my life was going. The people in my life were wonderful and made life feel wonderful. But the night I came home and found his note on his desk, my life was uprooted. It still is. I don't think there's enough soil in the world to firmly plant my life in the ground. What was once normal to me will never again be normal.

There is a time to kill and a time to heal. To kill is to destroy. My life was completely destroyed, my idea of normal was gone, nothing felt okay. It is my time to heal, and it will be that way for the rest of my life. It's a hard process. I rely on my best friend, my family, and my amazing God to get me through it all.

There is a time to tear down and a time to build up. There are many days in my life that I break down. My heart breaks, my mind freezes, my world stops. But since the day my Dad left this earth, I have been building up. My dad always said "whatever you are, be a good one". I don't know what I am yet, or who I will be. So for now, I will try to be the best person I can be to honor my father.

There is a time to weep and a time to laugh. My dad always laughed at things that people shouldn't laugh about. His excuse was "you either have to laugh or cry. And I'm a man, I don't cry". I weep, and then I laugh.

There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I choose not to mourn my father's life but rather to celebrate it. When I think about how wonderful he was, my heart floats, my mind dances across memories. I celebrate life.

There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain. My father and I are alike. He always spoke his mind and he never gave up. If he wanted something accomplished, he did it. There was so holding him back. He embraced life, as do I.

There is a time to search and a time to give up. I searched for answers. The question that always arises after tragedy is Why me?  Why now? The day before my birthday, of my senior year of high school. Before graduation, marriage, children. Sometimes the answer is just "because".

There is a time to keep and a time to throw away. I keep every memory of him. I keep every paper he gave me, every picture taken, every phrase uttered and I keep it. The day may come where I can physically rid of them, but they will always remain.

There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Knowing how to tell the difference between these will keep you humble. Like my daddy, I can get my way using only my words and my wit. But sometimes our words don't glorify God. Intelligence is knowing the difference.

There is a time to love and a time to hate. I love my life, but sometimes I hate what has happened. I hate that I can't stop by my parents' house and give my dad a hug. I hate that I can't call him after a rough day and just cry on the phone like I used to. I hate that when my world is crashing around me, the one person that always understood my every emotion is no longer here to sit with me, talk with me, cry with me. This man that meant the world to me is gone. And I hate that.

There is a time for war and a time for peace. My emotions play games sometimes. They fight one another. Happiness is in the lead until I'm sitting at Chili's with friends and see a man who resembles my father. Then panic sets in, followed by fear, and anger, and sadness. I can't live a life where my emotions are constantly battling. I must find a place of peace. I'm currently searching.

As I am faced with a similar situation in my [childhood] best friend's life, I think about the wonderful legacy my father left. Those who knew him, knew how great he was. His work ethic was one of perfection. His devotion was so true and honest. His virtues were strong and deliberate. "Your true value is seen by who you are, not by what you have" he always told me. He never made a promise that he didn't keep. He never lied, he never cheated, he never even got a speeding ticket. No human can be perfect, but this man was as close as you could get. His presence is missed by many every day and will be for years to come. But I am thankful for knowing him and everything that he stood for.