A man died for my sins. A man gave his life so that I could be free. A man was wrapped in cloth and placed in a tomb to cleanse me. This man was the son of God and he was raised from the dead.
Tomorrow we will celebrate the power and the glory of our God.
The candy is great.
Hunting for eggs is entertaining.
Gifts from...the easter bunny...are welcomed.
But the true meaning of Easter is the highlight of Spring.
Happy Easter!
God Bless.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
How Time Flies
It's crazy to look back at your life.
1990: I was born.
1990-2007: Elementary School- when the hardest part of my day was deciding which lunch line to stand in and who to sit by. Junior High and High School- The most dramatic time of my life. The time when every young persons' hormones are racing and rubbing up against the boy you liked in the hallway gave you butterflies in your stomach...I gained many friends and grew apart from many friends.
Summer 2008 - my last year of youth camp. Oh, that summer was great...until I got home. My mother told me that while I was gone, my father had overdosed on his medications. He was still alive, but my spirit was broken. I began to imagine a life without my dad and I couldn't handle it. My dad and I talked about it, a lot. Our relationship, one that had never really existed, began to flourish that summer. I told him everything and talked to him every day. He was the person I trusted the most in the world.
October 7, 2008- the worst day of my life. This was the night I came home from work to discover that my father was not there. At 11:12 PM the police shared with us where they had found him. My mom, my brother and I huddled in a circle in the living room and cried. This day changed my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. It tore my life apart, but yet, it built it up.
2009-2010: I graduated from high school and moved away from mom's house. I started college and a brand new life. My mom got married in November of 2009. 2010 started off wonderfully. I started dating a wonderful guy and my roommates were the best people you could imagine. Things were perfect...until they broke my heart.
April 2010: It is so hard to think that this was one year ago. A year ago, I sat in my room, heartbroken and alone. The four people that were the most important in my life no longer felt the same. He left me for his ex-girlfriend, and my 3 best friends pushed me away. I spent that entire month completely alone. If it weren't for the grace of God and Krystal Stroud, I don't know where I would be. That angel gave me the strength and the direction to move on from the "terrible four".
From then to now: The last year of my life has truly tested me. I am so thankful for the way things have turned out. I hate that I had to go through the heartache, but honestly, I think you have to face some heartache before you can truly be happy. I am at such a wonderful point in my life. I miss my father every day of my life and I am not happy that he is gone. But I am thankful for the time we did have together and for all the things he has instilled in me. I am a strong, smart, beautiful, thoughtful, honest, hardworking woman. I have my mother and my father to thank for that. Working through the obstacles in your life is what makes you strong and it is what makes the final destination so much better. Just being handed a wonderful life is not rewarding, but realizing what you had to overcome to get there is the best feeling in the world.
Time really does fly by. There are horrible times, and there are wonderful times. There are times that you wish you could go through again because they were so much fun, and there are times that you wish you could go through again so things would turn out differently. But no matter what times you have had in your life, you have been built up. Look at the person you are and be thankful for those who got you to that point.
1990: I was born.
1990-2007: Elementary School- when the hardest part of my day was deciding which lunch line to stand in and who to sit by. Junior High and High School- The most dramatic time of my life. The time when every young persons' hormones are racing and rubbing up against the boy you liked in the hallway gave you butterflies in your stomach...I gained many friends and grew apart from many friends.
Summer 2008 - my last year of youth camp. Oh, that summer was great...until I got home. My mother told me that while I was gone, my father had overdosed on his medications. He was still alive, but my spirit was broken. I began to imagine a life without my dad and I couldn't handle it. My dad and I talked about it, a lot. Our relationship, one that had never really existed, began to flourish that summer. I told him everything and talked to him every day. He was the person I trusted the most in the world.
October 7, 2008- the worst day of my life. This was the night I came home from work to discover that my father was not there. At 11:12 PM the police shared with us where they had found him. My mom, my brother and I huddled in a circle in the living room and cried. This day changed my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. It tore my life apart, but yet, it built it up.
2009-2010: I graduated from high school and moved away from mom's house. I started college and a brand new life. My mom got married in November of 2009. 2010 started off wonderfully. I started dating a wonderful guy and my roommates were the best people you could imagine. Things were perfect...until they broke my heart.
April 2010: It is so hard to think that this was one year ago. A year ago, I sat in my room, heartbroken and alone. The four people that were the most important in my life no longer felt the same. He left me for his ex-girlfriend, and my 3 best friends pushed me away. I spent that entire month completely alone. If it weren't for the grace of God and Krystal Stroud, I don't know where I would be. That angel gave me the strength and the direction to move on from the "terrible four".
From then to now: The last year of my life has truly tested me. I am so thankful for the way things have turned out. I hate that I had to go through the heartache, but honestly, I think you have to face some heartache before you can truly be happy. I am at such a wonderful point in my life. I miss my father every day of my life and I am not happy that he is gone. But I am thankful for the time we did have together and for all the things he has instilled in me. I am a strong, smart, beautiful, thoughtful, honest, hardworking woman. I have my mother and my father to thank for that. Working through the obstacles in your life is what makes you strong and it is what makes the final destination so much better. Just being handed a wonderful life is not rewarding, but realizing what you had to overcome to get there is the best feeling in the world.
Time really does fly by. There are horrible times, and there are wonderful times. There are times that you wish you could go through again because they were so much fun, and there are times that you wish you could go through again so things would turn out differently. But no matter what times you have had in your life, you have been built up. Look at the person you are and be thankful for those who got you to that point.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Luck
Is there really such a thing? We use this word a lot. Think about it.
* You're so lucky that you found the man of your dreams.
* You're so lucky that you passed that test even though you didn't study.
* You're so lucky you got that job.
* You're so lucky to have wonderful friends.
I don't believe that luck is necessarily the reason for most things. Yes, it's commonly what we chalk our fortunes up to, but there's more to it. Look under the surface.
*The man of your dreams is hard to find, but it's not luck that brings him to you. It's patience and faith. You deserve someone as great as him, you aren't just lucky.
*Sure, you passed your test, but more than likely it's because you listened in class and did your assignments. You know the material - you didn't get lucky.
*They finally called you back for an interview and you got the job. I bet that had something to do with your job experience and wonderful report in your interview. And your job history and incredible recommendations probably helped. Not your "luck".
*Friends are so important in life and yours are amazing. You feel so lucky to have them. They're in your life because you are a wonderful person and you treat them the way they want to be treated. They love you and want to stick around. You didn't luck into getting great friends, you earned them and you keep them.
Sorry if I sound like a Debbie Downer, I just don't necessarily think luck plays a huge part in my life. I think, at least for me, anything that people may think was "lucky" was actually a result of hard work or dedication or faith or strength or fate. It bothers me when people say "you're so lucky..." as if they aren't. I work hard for the things I have and I didn't luck into getting them.
* You're so lucky that you found the man of your dreams.
* You're so lucky that you passed that test even though you didn't study.
* You're so lucky you got that job.
* You're so lucky to have wonderful friends.
I don't believe that luck is necessarily the reason for most things. Yes, it's commonly what we chalk our fortunes up to, but there's more to it. Look under the surface.
*The man of your dreams is hard to find, but it's not luck that brings him to you. It's patience and faith. You deserve someone as great as him, you aren't just lucky.
*Sure, you passed your test, but more than likely it's because you listened in class and did your assignments. You know the material - you didn't get lucky.
*They finally called you back for an interview and you got the job. I bet that had something to do with your job experience and wonderful report in your interview. And your job history and incredible recommendations probably helped. Not your "luck".
*Friends are so important in life and yours are amazing. You feel so lucky to have them. They're in your life because you are a wonderful person and you treat them the way they want to be treated. They love you and want to stick around. You didn't luck into getting great friends, you earned them and you keep them.
Sorry if I sound like a Debbie Downer, I just don't necessarily think luck plays a huge part in my life. I think, at least for me, anything that people may think was "lucky" was actually a result of hard work or dedication or faith or strength or fate. It bothers me when people say "you're so lucky..." as if they aren't. I work hard for the things I have and I didn't luck into getting them.
***Well, Allison, what about winning the lottery?!Good point. You can't exactly win the lottery using your hard work, intelligence, skills, dedication, or even pulling your shirt down low enough for the clerk behind the counter...perhaps that is luck. Or maybe it's just timing - you happened to get the right ticket at the right time. I don't know. But for the majority of my experiences, luck is not the reason. If you feel so unlucky, try patience and hard work! :)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
When one door closes, another one opens.
My mom has told me this for years. You never want to hear it because you're too preoccupied worrying about the closed door. You feel like there has to be a way to open it again. But the truth is, behind that door lies a part of your past. Whether it's a person, a lifestyle, a job, or an idea, it is not meant to be a part of your future.
You have to simply change direction and look for a new opening. Like a parent with their child, God would never trap you in a room and risk your life with no way out. The thing is, sometimes we feel like that is exactly what is happening.
When that "relationship" door closes, we wander around looking for another door. But honestly, when do we ever find what we're looking for? It's when we stop looking! It's in a place you wouldn't expect, a place you thought you had already looked. Then you meet that guy at work who makes you smile like a school girl. Good thing that crappy "energy company working - ex girlfriend loving - empty nothingness of a future" boyfriend closed the door.
Sometimes the door is like an entry to a casino- BRIGHT LIGHTS, big doors, and tons of people flowing through it. No question about it, you know where to go! Sometimes it's more like the hole that those pesky bugs get through- you just can't find it anywhere! But there IS a door. Or a window. Or at least a little peep hole that you can peer through while you're waiting for God to finish building the stupid door you're looking for. Either way, there is a way out. When the time is right, you will find it, it will open, and you will discover something glorious. Now we just have to work on finding the patience we need to wait for that time.
I'm done reflecting now. Time to get some sleep because I have a door opening in the morning and I can't wait to see the person on the other side! :):)
You have to simply change direction and look for a new opening. Like a parent with their child, God would never trap you in a room and risk your life with no way out. The thing is, sometimes we feel like that is exactly what is happening.
...Our boyfriend dumps us and the world comes to a STOP. Our life cannot continue if he is not sitting next to us holding our hand and giving us a shoulder to cry on. COME ON LADIES, think this through. Think about the ex-boyfriend that you cried over. Where is he now? Who is he dating? What is his job? Most of the time, his future is looking pretty bleak. Now, is that the future you want for yourself? Personally, I don't want a boyfriend who is hooked on his ex-girlfriend, working for some crappy energy company driving a car around all day and coming home smelling like sweat and death, heading in a direction with no education and no purpose...
When that "relationship" door closes, we wander around looking for another door. But honestly, when do we ever find what we're looking for? It's when we stop looking! It's in a place you wouldn't expect, a place you thought you had already looked. Then you meet that guy at work who makes you smile like a school girl. Good thing that crappy "energy company working - ex girlfriend loving - empty nothingness of a future" boyfriend closed the door.
Sometimes the door is like an entry to a casino- BRIGHT LIGHTS, big doors, and tons of people flowing through it. No question about it, you know where to go! Sometimes it's more like the hole that those pesky bugs get through- you just can't find it anywhere! But there IS a door. Or a window. Or at least a little peep hole that you can peer through while you're waiting for God to finish building the stupid door you're looking for. Either way, there is a way out. When the time is right, you will find it, it will open, and you will discover something glorious. Now we just have to work on finding the patience we need to wait for that time.
I'm done reflecting now. Time to get some sleep because I have a door opening in the morning and I can't wait to see the person on the other side! :):)
Friday, April 1, 2011
Short and Sweet.
Sometimes a little alone time does the soul good.
I wrote a song tonight.
I started learning piano when I was about 10 years old.
I loved it.
I think most of the reason was because I had an amazing teacher!
Her family and our family really bonded.
I babysat her daughter and I used to spend the night with them and eat pizza and watch movies.
It was altogether a wonderful experience.
Now, playing piano is an escape.
My fingers just flow across the keys and the music fills my ears.
It brings a smile to my heart.
More recently, I have had a lot of time to sit and practice and reminisce.
My emotions flow through my body and come out of the tips of my fingers.
It is such a refreshing feeling to let them out in a productive way.
I'm no Whitney Houston or Adele, but I can sing when I want to.
My heart is softer tonight as I sing at the top of my lungs with no one around to hear.
<3
I wrote a song tonight.
I started learning piano when I was about 10 years old.
I loved it.
I think most of the reason was because I had an amazing teacher!
Her family and our family really bonded.
I babysat her daughter and I used to spend the night with them and eat pizza and watch movies.
It was altogether a wonderful experience.
Now, playing piano is an escape.
My fingers just flow across the keys and the music fills my ears.
It brings a smile to my heart.
More recently, I have had a lot of time to sit and practice and reminisce.
My emotions flow through my body and come out of the tips of my fingers.
It is such a refreshing feeling to let them out in a productive way.
I'm no Whitney Houston or Adele, but I can sing when I want to.
My heart is softer tonight as I sing at the top of my lungs with no one around to hear.
<3
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A Little Ranting and Raving.
I am blessed. I have a wonderful God and amazing friends that he has put in my life.
There is someone in my life right now that makes me feel like everything will be okay. He's physically far away from me, but I have never felt closer to somebody. No matter how I feel, just seeing his name pop up on my phone makes me smile. He can turn every grey cloud into a ray of sunshine. When there are things in my life that weigh me down, he lifts that burden. His words comfort me in ways that I never would have imagined. He is strong, loyal, dedicated, honest, and wonderfully caring. I am thankful for him and I miss him.
I have a best friend that is also physically far away. She is, by far, the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's funny, when I feel like there's no reason to go on...her name will appear on my phone beside a message that says "I love you". She knows when I need her and I don't even have to tell her. My life would not be worth living without her and her amazing family. Her mother is my mother, her father is my father. I look forward to spending all of my life with her by my side. Our children will be best friends whether they like it or not! I am so thankful for her and her family.
My brother and my sister are the best support system in the world. There are times when my brother makes me want to rip my hair out of my head. Most of those times it's because he's trying to play "dad" and help my mom. I know he means well but I don't like that side of him. He is the only person on earth who appreciates my humor. I will literally call him during the day to tell him something that I think is funny because I know nobody else will laugh. Hearing that laugh just gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm a funny girl. And my sister, man is she crazy! She is my role model. Her life is the life that I want one day. The relationship that she has with her husband, the life she has with her daughters, and the path that her family is on just makes me realize that there really is hope out there. Her home is a safe haven for me when I need a place to cry, a place to laugh, or just a place to dance all night and then crash. I am so thankful to have them in my life.
My best friend, Mandy, is one of the greatest people I know. The girl is strong, smart, and beautiful, and she makes me feel all of these things, too. I know if I ever need to get away, I just need to call her. We can drive 10 minutes away from our homes and feel like we are on another planet. We can talk for hours and I always feel better. No matter what is going on in my life and in hers, I know that we can help each other. I am so thankful for such a wonderful, trustworthy, loyal friend.
My roommate is amazing. I didn't know where my life was headed this summer. I had signed a lease to live in an apartment with three other people. I was so excited...until they decided otherwise. There are a lot of things involved there that I won't get into, but I was (pardon my french) scared shitless. I was being placed in an apartment with three strangers. I think my daddy might have had a little something to do with the outcome (him and God are bff) because I got lucky. This girl is someone that I can talk about things with for hours. Any time I'm angry, I talk to her. And the best part is, the poor girl puts up with it. I am so thankful for such a wonderful roommate and friend and I look forward to a long friendship.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Family and friends have slowly drifted away. Every time it happens, a little piece of my heart goes with them. When my dad passed away, a huge piece of my heart left with him. But because of the people I've mentioned, my heart has been rebuilt. Like any wound, the heart can heal. But, just like a superficial wound, the heart is scarred. The heart is the center of the body; without it, life ceases to exist. All things are controlled by the brain and powered by the heart. The two work together. When the heart is scarred, the brain is scarred. There are things that you will never forget and it affects the decisions you make for the rest of your life. You will avoid driving down certain roads or listening to specific songs or even eating special foods JUST in the hopes of avoiding negative emotions. I have done these things and more. But I have reached a point in my life where I am ready to confront those emotions. I just have to remember that these important people in my life will be there to mend my broken heart. Here begins a long journey.
Am I ready?
There is someone in my life right now that makes me feel like everything will be okay. He's physically far away from me, but I have never felt closer to somebody. No matter how I feel, just seeing his name pop up on my phone makes me smile. He can turn every grey cloud into a ray of sunshine. When there are things in my life that weigh me down, he lifts that burden. His words comfort me in ways that I never would have imagined. He is strong, loyal, dedicated, honest, and wonderfully caring. I am thankful for him and I miss him.
I have a best friend that is also physically far away. She is, by far, the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's funny, when I feel like there's no reason to go on...her name will appear on my phone beside a message that says "I love you". She knows when I need her and I don't even have to tell her. My life would not be worth living without her and her amazing family. Her mother is my mother, her father is my father. I look forward to spending all of my life with her by my side. Our children will be best friends whether they like it or not! I am so thankful for her and her family.
My brother and my sister are the best support system in the world. There are times when my brother makes me want to rip my hair out of my head. Most of those times it's because he's trying to play "dad" and help my mom. I know he means well but I don't like that side of him. He is the only person on earth who appreciates my humor. I will literally call him during the day to tell him something that I think is funny because I know nobody else will laugh. Hearing that laugh just gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm a funny girl. And my sister, man is she crazy! She is my role model. Her life is the life that I want one day. The relationship that she has with her husband, the life she has with her daughters, and the path that her family is on just makes me realize that there really is hope out there. Her home is a safe haven for me when I need a place to cry, a place to laugh, or just a place to dance all night and then crash. I am so thankful to have them in my life.
My best friend, Mandy, is one of the greatest people I know. The girl is strong, smart, and beautiful, and she makes me feel all of these things, too. I know if I ever need to get away, I just need to call her. We can drive 10 minutes away from our homes and feel like we are on another planet. We can talk for hours and I always feel better. No matter what is going on in my life and in hers, I know that we can help each other. I am so thankful for such a wonderful, trustworthy, loyal friend.
My roommate is amazing. I didn't know where my life was headed this summer. I had signed a lease to live in an apartment with three other people. I was so excited...until they decided otherwise. There are a lot of things involved there that I won't get into, but I was (pardon my french) scared shitless. I was being placed in an apartment with three strangers. I think my daddy might have had a little something to do with the outcome (him and God are bff) because I got lucky. This girl is someone that I can talk about things with for hours. Any time I'm angry, I talk to her. And the best part is, the poor girl puts up with it. I am so thankful for such a wonderful roommate and friend and I look forward to a long friendship.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life. Family and friends have slowly drifted away. Every time it happens, a little piece of my heart goes with them. When my dad passed away, a huge piece of my heart left with him. But because of the people I've mentioned, my heart has been rebuilt. Like any wound, the heart can heal. But, just like a superficial wound, the heart is scarred. The heart is the center of the body; without it, life ceases to exist. All things are controlled by the brain and powered by the heart. The two work together. When the heart is scarred, the brain is scarred. There are things that you will never forget and it affects the decisions you make for the rest of your life. You will avoid driving down certain roads or listening to specific songs or even eating special foods JUST in the hopes of avoiding negative emotions. I have done these things and more. But I have reached a point in my life where I am ready to confront those emotions. I just have to remember that these important people in my life will be there to mend my broken heart. Here begins a long journey.
Am I ready?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Reflection
"There is a time for everything...
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
My father was an amazing man. He lived his life in a way that glorified God. He believed that living a wise life would lead his children into doing the same. He was an amazing husband to my mother, an amazing son to my grandmother, and the most amazing father I could imagine. Everything he did and everything he said has a huge impact on me to this day. I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am if things had gone differently.
I don't agree that ending your own life is ever okay. It is never a good choice, it never helps the family, it never ends well. But I know who my father was and why he made his decision. As much as I wish it hadn't happened, part of me is glad that it did. I miss him every day, in a different way. Sometimes it's just because I want to tell him about what happened in class or what grade I made on a test. Sometimes I hear our song on a commercial or the radio. Sometimes I can swear I hear his voice or see him walking through a crowd. My heart sinks inside my chest when reality hits.
There is a time to be born and a time to die. God makes that decision, perhaps it was his time. Maybe it wasn't as much "his time to go" as "our time to lose him". I think the events in my life that have happened after his death are important. I honestly believe that everything I have gone through has made me into the strong yet weak, independent yet dependent, smart yet naive, beautifully troubled young woman that I am. And I am thankful for it.
There is a time to plant and a time to uproot. My life was planted firmly in the ground. I was happy with the way my life was going. The people in my life were wonderful and made life feel wonderful. But the night I came home and found his note on his desk, my life was uprooted. It still is. I don't think there's enough soil in the world to firmly plant my life in the ground. What was once normal to me will never again be normal.
There is a time to kill and a time to heal. To kill is to destroy. My life was completely destroyed, my idea of normal was gone, nothing felt okay. It is my time to heal, and it will be that way for the rest of my life. It's a hard process. I rely on my best friend, my family, and my amazing God to get me through it all.
There is a time to tear down and a time to build up. There are many days in my life that I break down. My heart breaks, my mind freezes, my world stops. But since the day my Dad left this earth, I have been building up. My dad always said "whatever you are, be a good one". I don't know what I am yet, or who I will be. So for now, I will try to be the best person I can be to honor my father.
There is a time to weep and a time to laugh. My dad always laughed at things that people shouldn't laugh about. His excuse was "you either have to laugh or cry. And I'm a man, I don't cry". I weep, and then I laugh.
There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I choose not to mourn my father's life but rather to celebrate it. When I think about how wonderful he was, my heart floats, my mind dances across memories. I celebrate life.
There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain. My father and I are alike. He always spoke his mind and he never gave up. If he wanted something accomplished, he did it. There was so holding him back. He embraced life, as do I.
There is a time to search and a time to give up. I searched for answers. The question that always arises after tragedy is Why me? Why now? The day before my birthday, of my senior year of high school. Before graduation, marriage, children. Sometimes the answer is just "because".
There is a time to keep and a time to throw away. I keep every memory of him. I keep every paper he gave me, every picture taken, every phrase uttered and I keep it. The day may come where I can physically rid of them, but they will always remain.
There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Knowing how to tell the difference between these will keep you humble. Like my daddy, I can get my way using only my words and my wit. But sometimes our words don't glorify God. Intelligence is knowing the difference.
There is a time to love and a time to hate. I love my life, but sometimes I hate what has happened. I hate that I can't stop by my parents' house and give my dad a hug. I hate that I can't call him after a rough day and just cry on the phone like I used to. I hate that when my world is crashing around me, the one person that always understood my every emotion is no longer here to sit with me, talk with me, cry with me. This man that meant the world to me is gone. And I hate that.
There is a time for war and a time for peace. My emotions play games sometimes. They fight one another. Happiness is in the lead until I'm sitting at Chili's with friends and see a man who resembles my father. Then panic sets in, followed by fear, and anger, and sadness. I can't live a life where my emotions are constantly battling. I must find a place of peace. I'm currently searching.
As I am faced with a similar situation in my [childhood] best friend's life, I think about the wonderful legacy my father left. Those who knew him, knew how great he was. His work ethic was one of perfection. His devotion was so true and honest. His virtues were strong and deliberate. "Your true value is seen by who you are, not by what you have" he always told me. He never made a promise that he didn't keep. He never lied, he never cheated, he never even got a speeding ticket. No human can be perfect, but this man was as close as you could get. His presence is missed by many every day and will be for years to come. But I am thankful for knowing him and everything that he stood for.
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